Hi Ladybt23
Im in the UK, Bucks area but hail from the North East.
I wasnt going to post today as didnt want to tempt fate I was going to leave it a few days to see how I felt but when I saw your post Redlocks then I felt I must to give you hope again.
So to recap for almost a month now I have been in menopasual hell, except for one day, last Tuesday. I had had 2 years of being well (no blips) and when I read stories here then I think I have been one of the fortunate ones and took it for granted that it would stay that way forever. Never take anything for granted. This next bit is going to be long but if it helps one person then its worth it.....
To recap a bit further back I had suffered depression back in 1986 when I lost people close to me, sadly the husband I was with at that time did not believe in antidepressants when I was prescribed them in 1987 and put them down the toilet. I somehow got well by doing exercise sort of never completely well, desperate times and then I spent the 90s having ivf/icsi treatment 8 in total all failed, more depression, no tablets. I had a complete breakdown in 1998 anti depressants & counscelling saved my life. I am a big fan of anti depressants. I needed them again through a divorce and again when luckily I did end up pregnant but got post natal depression couldnt even enjoy that to start off with , which I had wanted from the age of 20. Anti depressants always worked for me the mistake I made in the late 90s was as soon as I got well (between 6 weeks to 3 months) my then husband the one who didnt like them told me to come off them and after about 6 months without them, I was ill again. When I finally used them properly they kept me well. I can also see that I have been lucky with them, reading ladybt23 posts about anti depressants.
After being off them for about 6 years my dad got ill and sadly died and I was flung back into depression 2013. I ended up on sertraline 200mg and it took 3 months to get well with time off work (always had to take time off work to get better). I then stayed on them, The dr said as I had had quite a few bouts of depression to stay on them long term. I was more than happy to do that to keep "well".
Around October 2016 my mirena coil had gone past its 5 years but the dr said its fine just keep it in it still acts as a contraceptive which was why I had it in the first place and because periods were heavy. Now despite me still being on 200mg of sertraline I started to get all the old feelings of depression back couldnt understand it. The dr said sometimes anti depressants just stop working and no time was menopause mentioned. I was then 50 would be 51 the following June. I wasnt having any periods due to the mirena coil. I hadnt had a hot flush just depression and anxiety feelings but I think I was waking up around 3 am and having the odd night sweats. Then followed a year of hell 2017. I was put on every anti depressant known to man, NOTHING touched this depression after always being helped by anti depressants. I mentined before that they sent me to a pyschiatrist who had me on 300mg of venaflaxine by then (which is a lot only a pyschiatrist can prescribe that amt so I was told) still depressed. He said I was treatment resistant. I was suicidal I have no idea how I didnt end up under a passing lorry when I left his office I thought my life was over.
In between all of this a friend suggested could I be menopausal (halleluyah).
I then started reading all about Carol Vorderman and her story and it sounded like me. Armed with all this I went back to the dr and had a blood test my oestradiol level was 115 they told me I was post menopausal and gave me a new mirena coil and I was put on premarin(absolute rubbish for me) highest level (did nothing) , elleste solo 1mg, 2mg (nothing) 3 mg within 2 weeks I was well.
After 7 months off work I was completely utterley back to normal nothing to do with the anti depressant (weaned off it) all to do with the right level of oestrogen. I went back to work cured......Then I started to get awful migraines the menopause clinic (I had got a referral took ages) said I cant take tablets they were clotting hence the migraines and I should try gel (oestrogel). I changed over 2 pumps absolutely plunged back into depression again but now I was back at work, doing training courses, presentations, I had to fake it I just couldnt go sick again. They put me on 3 pumps of gel my levels were showing 220. Still depressed and after 28 years in a job that I really didnt mind and paid well, I quit I just felt I couldnt do it anymore and didnt want to go sick again. I was put on 4 pumps of gel and probably within a month around end of Jan 2018 I was well again. I could have waltzed straight back into work and carried on with my job as right as rain. The hell of hormones. I have since started to work for a gardener (never even cut my own grass before or weeded!!) working for a friend, money isnt great but its lovely being outside, though not at this time of year!! I dont regret leaving the other job.
In Oct 18 I reduced to 3 pumps as had a breast biopsy(all fine) but thought I would come down a bit and I was fine until a month ago, around when you first started this post Redlocks, I got ill again.
I went to see the dr didnt know me or even bother to read my history(my dr had retired) I hadnt been to the drs in ages when I was so ill they didnt even have to ask my name when I rang I think i rang daily and the samaritans, employee assistance line anyone that could help me get out of depression. She wanted to write a prescription for anti depressants despite me telling her that they hadnt worked for me back in 2017. I asked for a meno clinic referral (that is in May--when I tried to speak to someone there, a very cold receptionist said no one can speak to you we have limited resources you have to wait till May) I was in floods of tears I then said I doubt I will still be here in May (not really meaning it but so desperate and she said call your dr then!!)
I put myself back to 4 pumps of gel almost 3 weeks ago now. I had another blood test the day before yesterday which showed my level of estradiol to be 357. The dr rang and said this is a good amount it is average, normal, whatever normal is and that I shouldnt do anymore gel but wants to see me in 10 days to go on anti depressants.
Ladybt23 I can totally see now why you have not had your hormones tested and why a lot of drs dont like to test because of fluctuations. I was hanging on expecting my level to be under say 200 which would to me explain the blip because like everyone else who is ill we need an answer and a solution. I was hysterical I said to her anti depressants didnt work for me before oh my god Im not going to get well, she said to come see her in 2 weeks. i got off that phone flung myself to the floor sobbing absolutely hysterical thinking this is finally it now there is literally no hope. If they are saying its not my oestrogen levels and they want to put me on something that never worked before I am well and truly (without swearing) finished. it was just like being told you are treatment resistant back in 2017. I managed to fire off a couple of emails to Heather Currie and Mary Jane Minkin hrt experts and to this forum in absolute desperation. The answers were helpful regarding possibility of testosterone(never mentioned before but as i had been well we never went down that route) and MJ Minkin said perhaps anti depressants may be worth considering as you go further into this menopausal journey. It was also clear that hormones do still keep fluctuating. I calmed down a little.
Through the nght I usually wake around 4 am and cant go back to sleep(overanalysing negative stuff) thats been the pattern since this blip(around a month), I woke at 5.21 exactly and thought thats not too bad, did I have that feeling of doom in my stomach as usual, no it wasnt there. Dare I think I actually feel better.....?
Today I am totally 100% back to normal. Caught up on emails, silly little jobs I had left, talked to a friend, did a bit of garening, for the first day since the Tuesday (I was well last week-although it didnt last a full day) I didnt cry nor do I want to. The zombie, the stranger I have been for the last month has gone and I am back! So what has happened you tell me but all I can think of is the 4 pumps of gel have started to work and it has just tipped me back into the normal coping world again? i dont know and the thing is I dont know whats going to happen tomorrow if the zombie will return, havent a clue. But like Squeaker said you have to go with it and take each day as it comes in this crazy menopause world.
Sorry its so long my fingers ache now. I will keep you posted (shorter posts). The morale of the story is keep shouting for help. The level of oestrogen is different for us all, whats normal for one person and gets them well, someome else may need triple that amount. Like ladybt23 said you have to treat the symptons. We all deserve the right treatment as we all deserve to be well and live in this often shite but often wonderful world xx Dont ever give up!!
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Topic: I can’t get any relief at the moment, deranged with panic (Read 9944 times)