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[Redlocks]

Hello ladies,

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. Apologies that it's taken me so long to reply, it said there was an issue with the server whenever I tried to log in over the last few days.
Bring me sunshine, I started writing a reply to you yesterday but then the power went off and I got frustrated! So here I am now
I cannot imagine how utterly heartbreaking it must have been for you to be told that you were treatment resistant. That phrase is so unhelpful, can only make someone feel more hopeless, and just means that that particular consultant didn't know how to treat you. I'm sad you had to go through that, but sharing your experience with a stranger was incredibly kind and brave. Thank you.
You say you're having a blip at the moment - how are you doing today? I'm wondering if it's because you altered your HRT in October and you're having a delayed reaction?
I'm feeling on the verge of panic at the moment but I started a low dose of trazodone recently and I think that may be stopping it from getting completely out of control. I'm hoping to use it short term until I adjust to my HRT regime again, fingers crossed.
X

[Redlocks]

Bring me sunshine, I mistakenly said you changed your HRT in October, and just looked over your post again and realised you said you did back in 2018 - sorry! I don't know if changing your dose of HRT can affect your mood a year or so later, but hopefully you will feel better after increasing to 4 pumps of estrogen again.
X
PS: I could relate so much to what you said about how you felt in your post - I've had very similar thoughts and feelings.

[Redlocks]

Countrygirl,

I think I know what you mean about it feeling 'different'.
I had 'glimpses' of my old self yesterday -  I'm still not feeling right but I understand that I won't be for a while yet. These things really do take time.
X

[CLKD]

Group 

that tale should be a sticky! 

[Bring me Sunshine]

Hi Redlocks

How am I doing today?  Horrible day.  You are right I altered my oestrogel dose from 3 to 4 only because the breast consultant was so against it I thought well if I wean myself down to say 2 then that seems a good level to stay on.  I didnt have breast cancer thankfully.  I was very resistant at first to going on hrt as my mum had died of breast cancer in her early 50s many years ago.  However I was told I was no more at risk as onyone else.

I honestly had not experienced any blips only ones where I had to have a breast biopsy Oct 18 and hysteroscopy feb 19 and you are fearful until told its all okay.  I thought like one of the other posts titles"I had cracked it".  How you can never take anything for granted.  So I increased the pumps to 4 not quite 2 weeks ago.  On Tuesday this week I had a glimpse of me.  I had a drs appt where I was hoping to get a blood test to see if there was any obvious reason I had dipped.  Whether my testosterone levels had dropped as when I had a blood test a few years ago they were on the low side.  Because i got well on oestrogel alone then I never looked at that.  I am on my 3rd Mirena coil and have tolerated that well over the years, the odd spotting, which I still get.  It would have been easier asking for cannabis than a blood test, not a chance.  Although she did say that she would write to the meno clinic i am on the list to see (no idea when yet) and see what they say.  I cant afford to go private as you can see from what my job is now below.

So Tuesday I felt like I could be me again if Id bumped into anyone at the drs I would have been able to speak and not have that sinking feeling saying Im fine , if asked !!  Worst word ever. I went to the Spurs V Boro game in London with an 87 year old friend.  That was hard work but I did it.  Could I do it tonight.... not a chance!!

Wednesday sunk tearful had to meet some friends a bloke friend I had to return football tickets to and an old friend from work who looked impecbbly dressed talked on and on about the old times at work.  I could hardly speak or join in the conversation I just wanted to get home and cry, horrendous feeling. All i could remember about the old times was being depressed due to how my brain was feeling.

This morning I was due to run with a friend and then do some weeding at said doctors.  I work as a gardener now for a friend (8 girls work for her) after leaving my job back in Jan 2018 (pensions admin 28 years) due to this bleeding menopause!!  I had never cut grass or weeded much in my life!  The nice side of menopause unexpectely can make you make a change in your life.  I havent got much money but its nice to work in nature.  I had a night sweat around 3 am I woke and that always was the time before I could set my clock on it happening.  I just couldnt sleep over analysing things.  Felt dreadful on waking and I couldnt do all the plans i was crying sorry for letting everyone down, cant live like this, why was I born all that crap that comes out of your mouth when your brain has gone menopausally depressionly wonky. and I got up around 10.30 am.  Waited 3 hours for the dr to say she had emailed the clinic and would call me next Thursday.  You cling on to anything that can get you out of this chronic state.

And so all I can do is wait patiently and hope tomorrow is a better day and keep going as there isnt any other choice.  You wouldnt wish this on your worst enemy.

Funnily enough when I was well I hosted some menopause cafes, I think 6 in all.  Today I got an email from the lady who started them off in Scotland, Rachel Weiss.  She asked me if I wanted to attend a festival in Perth and also do a conference call sharing all the positives from the cafes etc.....  I sadly said I really couldnt not at this time.  I couldnt recall any positives I know thats rubbish as there were lots but thats what my brain is telling me.  I said if and when this blip clears I will be in touch........another title"How to survive a blip and live to tell the tale".

I will share anything else that happens that is positive xx

[Ladybt28]

I found that when you get "the glimpses" you are on the right track.  I got them and then they went. In the beginning I thought they were a fluke and then they started getting closer together until I realised one day I had gone a whole week...without feeling absolutely awful.  I wasn't absolutely wonderful either but just ok!  After that you have to get used to feeling "ok" - its a bit of a shock and it comes and goes a bit but by and large it gets to being "ok" on a regular basis. xx  Hang on in there people!!! xxx

[Bring me Sunshine]

Ladybt28

OK sounds ok to me.  I would take that anyday. Thank you xx

[Bring me Sunshine]

 Hi ladies

i havent started a new post as it leads on from my posting on the subject above following a blip around nearly a month ago.

Before the blip i was so lucky to have had nearly 2 years well on the mirena coil and 4 pumps of gel reduced to 3 back in Oct 18.  The blip took me by surprise I started getting night sweats again and waking around 4am  not sleeping from then, very tearful, withdrawing socially, negative feelings, no joy, cant plan ahead all that rubbish and negativity.  I was also bleeding heavily.  The bleeding turns out to be a fibroid so I can live with that.

My next battle was to get a blood test finally and it was hard work I had one yesterday the doctor just rang and threw me into a crying hysteria.  I was hoping that it would show my estradiol level to be low again to expain the blip.  When I was first diagnosed menopause in early 2017 the reading was 115.  I had a reading of 220 in january 2018, then started on 4 pumps of gel and a few weeks later I was well, but never had another reading so dont know what well was.  The dr said the level is 357 and she said thats a good reading and no need for any more oestrogel stay on 4 but if you remain unwell for aonther 10 days to go and see her and she will put me on anti-depressants.  The same anti-depressants that never touched this back in 2017.  4 different ones I was on.

When she got off the phone I just sunk to the floor in tears of desperation.  I have to go now  and pick up kids from school so have had to do a masterclass on my saucer like cried out eyes.  I honestly feel like I dont know what to do next I thought I would have an answer, was i expecting too much.

Its so hard this journey.

Thanks for listening x

[Ladybt28]

Oh Bring me Sunshine....just when you think you know what it is the rug gets pulled.  However, see the bleeding and the fibroid....you have been worried and the worry won't help your moods.  Has there been anything else going on?  I would be like you having years and years of depressive episodes and AD's but I gave them all up.  I have managed 4 and a bit years without them now and my hrt is pretty stable (or so I thought).  I am still in a bit of a blip and wondered where I went wrong but I don't think I went wrong, I just think that things tend to catch up with me a bit.  It was pretty stressful before xmas but I was ok, I think it's a bit of a reaction to the stress.  That's why I ask is there anything else going on.

Also I am on testosterone and I dropped a dose of that off a while back, so I have put it back on. My thought processes were much sharper when I started it in the first place and I had more energy.  Are you on testosterone BmS?  Rather than AD's if you don't have it maybe you can make a case for trying it and see how you go?

[Bring me Sunshine]

Hi Ladybt23

Thank you so much for replying.

Here is a copy of a reply I just received from the redhotmamas site ( a free site-in America)

Thanks for reaching out to Red Hot Mamas.  Dr. Mary Jane Minkin has sent us her reply regarding your concerns.  Here is what Dr. Minkin had to say:
Dear Julie,
Indeed the level of estrogen sounds reasonable. The major gyn explanation that I can think of is that you are not fully menopausal-and that you are having some fluctuations of estrogen levels-but that is difficult to ascertain at this point. (and fluctuations can play some role.)
People can have endogenous depression-everything in their lives seems great-but they can still get depressed-and the question here is is that what's going on here. So I think exploring-and consideration of anti-depressant therapy is quite reasonable.
Best of luck, and I hope you feel better soon.
Mary Jane

It makes sense I suppose if you can make sense of anything in this menopausal journey.  Nothing else is going on, but like you I felt the stress running up to Christmas but just like everyone else.  It just came out of the blue.  I had one good day last Tuesday and like you have said before it feels like a fluke now but perhaps it was the hormones spiking in for one day.  Cruel in a way!  I so wish I had a normal wired brain.  Testosterone has never been mentioned.  I dont think I had any symptons back in 2017 that required the need.  The level was a bit low but I got well on oestrogel so they left it like that.  Something to consider if I make it to May and the meno clinic appointment, feels like years to wait when you are desperate.

You have done so well a 4 years and a bit break from anti depressants.  I did view them as life savers in the past but when they didnt work for me 3 years ago I lost faith and confidence in them.  However I will consider them again if I have to continue living like this as you feel like a stranger in your own house, bit like a zombie.  I dont like it.

And the journey goes on thank you xx

[Ladybt28]

How old are you BmS?  I have looked at the previous posts but can't seem to see?
Testosterone is a bit of a hit and miss thing.  It has been proven that us women have certain amount of it and it has been decided that it certainly plays a role.  Some GP's totally ignore it and others are open to women asking.  Normally it would come as an idea from consultants but that's hit and miss too.  Some think its a good idea others just arn't up for it. I got mine on the NHS.

The thing is, I think that when we start in peri we need one level of stuff and then as we move through our own hormones spike and drop and spike and drop more until everything gets out of balance again. Your symptoms in 2017 might not have warranted it but it's January 2020 now so maybe you should consider it?  I gave me more energy, less zombie symptoms, more focus, better thought processes and brought back my libido which had totally disappeared.  I still had the zombie type thing without it.

The AD's never really ever worked for me and I have been offered them since but I will never take them again but if you know yourself well enough then you could try.  I would add in some testosterone to see what happened before AD's but then I have become somewhat anti AD's in case you hadn't noticed!

[Bring me Sunshine]

Hi there

i will be 54 in June.  I too feel like you regarding anti d's lost both faith and confidence in them when they failed to work (4 times) but I will do anything to be well so may have to consider them again.  I shall mention the testosterone to the dr when I go in a couple of weeks, mind you the battle I had to get a blood test for the oestradiol level god knows if they would do one but I shall mention it no harm, anything at all to get well.

Thank you again and long may you be well even if it is an ok, that I would take any day of the week over this derangement.

Thanks again for your kindness it means a lot when you feel so isolated even though its much of my own doing. xx

My little picture against my name is so true "The menopause is easy........said no woman ever" well not the women on here

[Ladybt28]

Oh no need to feel isolated...post away...anything and everything..it does make it easier.  Just get it out of your head! By the way I have never had any blood tests for any of my hormones in 11 years!  My GP goes on "controlling symptoms" so testosterone test isn't a necessary.  Check out menopause guidelines for prescribing...forgot to ask what country you are in?  Anyway there will be guidelines on prescribing, see what you can find and then just ask for it.

[Redlocks]

Bring me sunshine, Ladybt28: how are you both doing?

I haven't been on the forum for a bit as I've been very up and down. What I'm going through at the moment feels like heartbreak and I'm scared I?ll never feel well again. I'm even crying as I type this!

I was given trazodone but 'that's been making me feel weird and I'm scared to take it! I've been doing what I can otherwise - hanging out with flat mates, seeing friends, and I saw the nicest lady for a mindfulness session on Monday. I just wish I could snap out of this, find a job and have a life again.

I sympathise so much with what you have been saying - I thought I had cracked it with the hormones and that they explained my severe difficulties with my mood, but as I said at the moment I just don't know. My estrogen was over 1,000 during my last blip so I thought that explained a lot, but I had a blood test recently when I was feeling awful and it was just over 500 - completely normal. Then again, my consultant said that blood tests only give you a snapshot and can change quickly, and you may feel the effects of a certain level of hormones days later.

My iron levels are now fine; last year I wondered if that might have been affecting my mood because they were low, so that hasn't changed how I feel. I'm scared because I don't know what to do.

Apologies for the rant, I just feel so hopeless right now.
X

[squeaker99]

HI Redlocks. I just wanted to completely empathise with your post.
I have been in Peri Menopause for about 4 years and have days/weeks when I feel
mentally very down; anxious, mind churning on stupid stuff, just hard to get joy from life.

After seeing countless GPs I too feel that hormone ' churn' / fluctuations play a large part with me,
I can see there are patterns to how I feel and sometimes I feel 'fine' and think the bad days have gone away.

I don't think for me there is a magic pill to make things better ' for ever' as it were - keeping busy, trying to enjoy days
24 hours at a time, even putting music on can all help a little. 

Without getting maudlin I think there is a mental realisation that I am not going to suddenly turn back time and regain the
body and mind of a 30 year old. Acceptance of this is probably key for me but part of me isn't there yet!

In the meantime I bake, walk, have joined a few new groups and try and keep distracted.

You are certainly not alone and I hope in the future there is more  long term effective understanding and options for mid life women.