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[Padine]

Anyone else feel their confidence has taken a big dip since becoming menopausal? I've been standing in for our organist in 2019 and I practise SO much but come Sunday, once I make one mistake, that's it, I just go all to pot! My husband reassures me it isn't as bad as I thought but I just feel sick 🤢 thinking about it over+over+over again and how awful people must think I am.

[CLKD]

Yep.  It's because you are aware of the mistake.  But not many people will realise and if they are singing, will they really notice!?!  Also you are in front of your God who won't give a damn ;-)

It's known that confidence disappears as menopause arrives  .  I find that making lists of important issues helps as it's out of my head and in front of me - as long as I can remember where I've left the list 

Also it is important to learn to delegate ;-)

[jillydoll]

I have never had much confidence. Ever.
However, on my good days, when I've no anxiety to speak of, and this hrt is doing what it's supposed to do, i have more confidence than I've EVER had....maybe it's my age, maybe it's the hrt, I dunno, but yeah, I'm more confident now than ever before.
I know what I like now, and don't like, I mostly know what to say and NOT what to say, and I'm more confident in my choices of clothes....I wear what I like, and don't care if anyone likes it or not.....I still couldn't be a public speaker or anything like that, but I think I've found myself....which gives me more confidence......and I totally agree with what CLKD & Jay has said, no one will ever notice you've made a mistake, only people who can play the organ themselves will notice, and I suppose there's not many of them out there....give yourself a break, your doing a bloody good job! Xx

[CLKD]

I take less crap these days  but the thread as reminded me that when I'm with people I admire I clam up.   .  I tend to think of everyone as my age too  .......... 'famous' people don't bother me at all, I can chat away without problems - but anyone that I admire and I go quiet.

My mantra is: "I'm out of bed, what more do They want?" 

[dahliagirl]

It is funny, that is something I was talking about with friends recently.

It is always hard to play on your own.  You are very exposed and very aware of it.  We think there is a definite art to it, over and above normal accompaniment.  You are also leading (aka herding cats).

You could try a bit of mindfulness and breathing exercises (breathing seems to stop in stressful situations  )

You could try flooding yourself with opportunities to play in front of people, if you could get some willing volunteers together, or maybe volunteer play piano for a singing group (where they are not too serious).  I listened to something about actors with stage fright - apparently adrenaline only lasts for a certain amount of time which is quite short, so look forward for that and breathe.

Also, keep hold of the spark in you that enjoys playing - nurture it and don't let it die.

[CLKD]

I found adrenaline helped me through stepping onto the stage.

Herding cats  - like herding jelly fish?

[Padine]

I like your comment “God won't give a damn” so true! Deep breaths will help too and more playing too.
My confidence has taken a real knock in the guts lately. I had a small singing group of elderly ladies and we were just starting our 3rd year together. We had a new lady join us as a newbie and (cutting a long story short) she criticised my conducting style and said she wants to do it, moaned about the cold hall we practice in (I had to ask permission to use this hall and we get it for free. I go 4 hours before we start, to put the heating on) and sent me a link to a song she thinks will be good for us. I'll have to listen to it, write down words and music then copy words and music for other ladies. I did explain to her what I have to do but she said nothing) I've decided to give it up but I will play the piano and won't be going every week.
So I'm having to “grow a pair “ and stand up for myself! In retirement I wanted to enjoy my music not have to deal with awkward people-I'd enough awkward parents at parents evenings! I'm not a confrontational person but I used to be more confident than I am now 😥
       Padine x

[getting_old]

I like your comment “God won't give a damn” so true! Deep breaths will help too and more playing too.
My confidence has taken a real knock in the guts lately. I had a small singing group of elderly ladies and we were just starting our 3rd year together. We had a new lady join us as a newbie and (cutting a long story short) she criticised my conducting style and said she wants to do it, moaned about the cold hall we practice in (I had to ask permission to use this hall and we get it for free. I go 4 hours before we start, to put the heating on) and sent me a link to a song she thinks will be good for us. I'll have to listen to it, write down words and music then copy words and music for other ladies. I did explain to her what I have to do but she said nothing) I've decided to give it up but I will play the piano and won't be going every week.
So I'm having to “grow a pair “ and stand up for myself! In retirement I wanted to enjoy my music not have to deal with awkward people-I'd enough awkward parents at parents evenings! I'm not a confrontational person but I used to be more confident than I am now 😥
       Padine x

Why are you giving up what has worked for you and the other ladies for 3 years? Are you assuming that they all want what she is suggesting when they were all perfectly happy with what you were doing? If you just give in to her demands everything will fall apart. In your position I'd tell her that's the way things have been and there's no reason to change!
She'll probably try to turn others to her way of thinking so you could arrange to discuss her "demands" (probably better to describe them as suggestions  ) with the group as a whole and get their thoughts. That will pre-empt (sp?) her attempts to get people to take sides...... Anyway she, and others, may have some good suggestions so you could ask to have a meeting to discuss how people think things are going and ideas for new things.
I'd also suggest that if she wants to try new songs she provides the words, music, etc. Maybe she'll do a good job, but it may also make her understand exactly what is involved. She genuinely may not realise that it's time consuming.

Bottom line is that she's either someone who likes to take control and will probably alienate most of the people in time, or she's just trying to be helpful and get involved. Either way please don't give up something you enjoy. That's how the bullies win!

[jillydoll]

Exactly my thoughts too getting- old......
You don't have to stop Padine, and it's not about growing a pair, (I've never had a pair either,)
But there are ways around these problems that don't need you grow a pair, but to just ask others what they think, and to get their thoughts.....
Please don't give up what you enjoy doing, just because this person is a control freak...
She probably doesn't realise she's upsetting you, but now is the time to ask others what they think...and to ask this other person to do the music and whatever else....xx

[Padine]

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas.  I have told her what is required and stepped back, as I don't have time for all the extras (which are very unrealistic anyway) that she wants. A few of the ladies have said they wish things could carry on as they have been, so I feel less “pathetic”.
      Padine x

[CLKD]

I would walk.  It's supposed to be a hobby ;-).

Let the others gradually drift away if they can't put up with the newbie either.  You'll find out on the grape-vine [?] .......

Gives you more time to practice ;-).  You could also re-start a group and she may walk off anyway.

[Padine]

 😊 exactly what dear husband said CLKD 😊! Funny how clear it all seems now a few days later and I'm no longer upset! So thank you friends, for helping me to get to this happier place much sooner than if I had worried it all through. I even have had the confidence to keep a Christmas date we had set to sing at before the changes were suggested.
(It's just disappointing that the newbie didn't “walk” when she realised we needed more singing challenges to come up to her standards 🤷🏻‍♀️)
         Away in a manger here we come!
       Padine x

[jillydoll]

As long as YOU are happy in YOUR choice...that's all that matters.
A problem always seems worse until we've slept on it for a couple days doesn't it.
Glad you've found your happy side again....xx

[CLKD]

NNOOOO    not Christmas Carols 

When a hobby gets to be a chore .............

[Padine]

Will not mention 🎅 🎄 🎅 again until December 😇 😎 honestly!!