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[Tc]

Hiya ladies. My last post on Thursday was very bleak and very short. Something I feel I might not be known for on the forum, short posts!! But I was in a very bad way. I couldnt even put it into words and I haven't been on the forum since so bear with me its another long one!!

For me suicidal thoughts bring about tremendous fear. I'm scared of myself, of what I might do and I don't feel safe.

From Wednesday onwards I became trapped in my own private hell. It narrows everything down physically and mentally. Fighting against your own thoughts drains everything from you.

But...
Last night I slept. I managed to nod off about 2 and slept for 6 hours. Which is more than I've done in months.  Couple of flushes but no panic attacks or nightmares waking me up. I don't know why it happened  because I hadn't changed anything.

Not sure if sleep is the reason but I woke up without my first thought being a dark one. I can't say I felt happy but I didn't feel suicidal and I had a bit of energy and that's a massive improvement

The freedom from the fear I mentioned above enabled me to go for a short walk. To listen to some of my favourite music and to call a friend for a chat.

Still got the anxiety bubbling away and spiking every so often but it was still a better day.

Not a great day as in my pre meno days  But still in the context of how I've been it was a good day for me.

I know many ladies on here are suffering from the mh side of meno. I hope you all have your good day. Maybe it will be tommorow.

I don't know if my good day will turn into 2 good days I hope so. Experience has taught me to not expect too much but for now I guess it's worth remembering:

I got through Wednesday
I got through Thursday
I got through Friday and Saturday, it's clear
And in the words of Shirley MacLaine
"IM STILL HERE"

Xxxx

[jaypo]

Great to hear,sleep is a huge factor on how we face a day,hope it continues 😊

[racjen]

Yep, I second (and third, fourth, fifth....) that Birdy - you are most definitely not alone in  the dark, and we all need to keep reminding each other that we do have better days amongst the bad ones. I find  that's part of the problem: on a really bad day I can't remember that I ever have better ones and can't believe that I ever will again. I've been on here feeling suicidal quite frequently in the last few months, and yet today I managed to swim in the river and go to the cinema. Still not me as I was pre-menopause, but definitely a better day than many I've had recently. Each day as it comes.....xxxx

[Tc]

Thank you ladies.
birdy. I wish you some more good days.
Jaypo. I hope you sleep well tonight
 Racjen. You had a good day too !!

Sorry to say but when things get that bad I can't think of anyone else and thats the complete opposite of  the real me.

So today when a little bit of the real me cane back  I was thinking of all you ladies who like myself are suffering mh issues in meno.

I had a lovely pm from a lady on here who realised I had gone quiet and reached out she thought she might be intruding but it couldnt have been further fromthe truth. I wont name her but have msg her backt i hope she sees this as she was also  worried about a few  others who went quiet in the last few days
   
That pm meant so much.
Xx

[Jeepers]

Hi TC

Really glad to hear you have had a better day, I hope it continues today.

I think most of not all of us on here can relate to everything you say. A good day gives us all a little hope, and some respite.

Thank you for your uplifting post 

Jeepers x

[AgathaC]

Hello Tc,
Glad you are “still here”. That's a relief.
I think you are a really specific case.
You've got all this menopause shit to deal with PLUS post operation stuff PLUS a massive life changing amount of grief. That's enough to tip anyone over the edge.
How are you today?

[JaneinPen]

Hello Tc. Glad you are still here. I hope your good day really does keep going and you have some peace

[Ladybt28]

Know just how you feel/felt! Tc

I detect a change in your post on Sunday Tc... in a good way, not just that those horrible feelings are gone and its a relief but something more...  Yes, you have been to the "dark place" and have been there for quite a while but it has lifted and its seems to have "lifted" in a more noticable way from before when you have been posting before. It has lifted I think to something just a smidge better?  Do you get what I mean? ..I have tried to explain that as things get better they sort of creep up on you...millimetre by millimetre, minute by minute, so that suddenly you realise you have gone a whole 3 days or a week maybe without falling down a hole.  And the the feelings come back but not as strong and then they move again and so on...

I so hope this is what happening for you and I hope that it will happen to birdy and racjen and any of the other ladies who are still in turmoil or still struggling to balance.  It does come but whilst your waiting urgh - the pain and horror is beyond indescribable unless you have been there but of course we understand cos most of us have!

   yey for the good days and may they keep coming better and better Tc xx

[CLKD]

You need to consider local support to access.  'samaritans'.  Your local MIND walk-in centre, if you send them an e-mail to find out where they are and their opening times you will have background support.  Also, CRUSE might help too.

Half a day at a time?  Still how I manage my days.

[Hurdity]

Hi Tc

Glad you are feeling a bit better - long may this continue and don't forget....

Keep talking!! There is always someone around here....

Hurdity x

[jillydoll]

Hi TC.            for you babe....xx

[CLKD]

What support route will you access?  Even if you don't use agencies etc., knowing that there are people out there can help.

[suzysunday]

Wishing you well tc.  I understand so many of your feelings. Getting through the days has been a struggle for me for a while, so have some understanding.  Hope you are ok today.

[srn]

You have a glimmer at the end of that long, dark tunnel, reach forward to it.

[CLKD]

Wading through treacle - that's what if felt like  .