4 months post BSO and woke up crying again. I'm trying to put on a front to the world I lost my wife 3 years ago and during the grieving process sometimes putting on a happy face would actually make me feel better inside. This isn't working now. I feel like an actor going on memory of the person I was before the surgery and acting out how I instinctively know I would be but I don't FEEL any of it. I feel dead inside. I try to imagine feelings of love, happiness and even sadness and I can't the other day I went to an elderly friends funeral and forced myself to cry but the truth is I felt nothing. It's exhausting and I'm only too glad when social interactions are over so I don't have to fake emotions and interest in things.
If I analyse it, in the same way I went thro stages of grief with my wife I feel i am just not accepting the loss of my ovaries.
This forum is so supportive and non judgemental but I keep reading other stuff on line about keeping the ovaries and women almost bragging about being so glad they made the "right decision to keep them. Reading much of what is out there it makes the future without ovaries seem so frightening and bleak and it makes me hate myself for allowing a surgery that has ruined my life. The other day a family member was 80 and I actually thought I hope I don't live that long, another 20 odd years like this with only more and more health problems due to surgical meno.
I feel so resentful and angry that at 53 I'm gonna age prematurely and be dealing with age related conditions that might have been a long way off otherwise. I feel like I might as well be 73. How am I gonna get through this.
Ladies I am sorry to post something like this. I am aware that each and every one of you is going through tough times and my problems are certainly no more important or worse than anyone else's. The fact that I didn't have cancer should make me feel lucky but I can't put a positive spin on anything.i had to lose the ovary with the tumour but they took out a healthy one too and I can't seem to get over it.
Please don't feel you have to reply I guess I just needed to tell someone how I feel and get it out.
I hope a day will come when I can look back at this post when I am in a different place but I don't know how to get to that place.
Oh god even I think I sound like a self obsessed moaner but sometimes it helps to put the feelings into words.
My best wishes to you all.