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[Woodlands]

Hello ladies.
Thanks as always for all your help in so many ways this last five years that I have used this forum.
Well my DD was doing so well and to some extent still is, no drugs or alcohol.....on meds for her MH that suit her well. That's as far as it goes, she recently lost an amazing job due to being late and sick time ( only been there x6 weeks) I as usual do the good cop/ bad cop as any parent would? Yes? .
From then on the abuse began, vile names, text, WhatsApp you name it .....blah blah ....
So, as hard as it is I told her I will no longer be her punch bag and to stay away from me for good- I've had this abuse 6 years now and she's still only 20. I know it's absolutely the right decision for my life, wellbeing and emotional health....but I'm low, sad, feeling guilty etc etc.
Any advice .....I know this time will pass.
Woodlands x

[jillydoll]

Hi woodlands.
I'm so sorry about the way things have turned out for you,
But we have to make a stand, somehow, like you say for our own well being,
It must have been so, so, hard for you to say that, but now that you have, hopefully
it'll give her a right good shock and she'll realise what she's been doing to you, give it some
time, and she'll come round, after she realises how much she needs and misses you.
You are going to feel shit, worrying about her, about what you've said, you'll wonder what
she's up to, but you can't carry on being her punch bag as you put it, what about you?
What about your life? Hopefully, she'll miss you so much she'll get in touch, when she needs you.
There's no use me saying, don't beat yourself up over what you've said, because you are going
to, it's only natural, but try to put yourself first, enough of this abuse you don't deserve it.
I'm sure she'll come to her senses in time, she's your daughter, she loves you deep down,
and when she needs you, and understands she's been a cow to you, she'll be back...
It's not going to be easy for you, but be strong, you've done the right thing for your own sanity
6years is long enough.......
Good luck honey, she'll soon realise what an amazing mom you've been, and now your not there,
She'll sure as hell will miss you.....

       

[Dancinggirl]

Oh Woodlands - how very tough. You have made the right decision but I can fully understand this will be very difficult to live with. 
I have a tricky situation with my sister, not the same as yours, but it brings very similar dilemmas for me, her sons, our brother and mother. My sister was in a car accident over 15 years ago which left her on life support with MRSA.  She survived but with dreadful ongoing health issues that have now deteriorated so she is in awful distress. The doctors keep her alive but she is mentally impossible to manage - she manipulates us with lies and hysterical outbursts, so all of us who love her have to keep her at a distance to maintain our own health and wellbeing. The doctors do nothing to help her mental state and we are at a loss as to how to help her.   

I wish I could offer you words of wisdom - just get on with your life. WE choose our friends because we are stuck with our family. Do take care of yourself.  DG x

[Woodlands]

Dancing girl and jillydoll.
Thanks so much ladies for responding. I'm really feeling it it's like love v disappointment but what I do know is I had to take a stand for my own wellbeing.
We are heading to my son's 21 in two weeks and he has lost his elder brother ( 4 years in Sept to suicide) and essentially his younger sister to drugs and alcohol) my boy is my rock and he deserves me to remain emotionally well and balanced.
Maybe she will be back but for now I live my life with new chapters and adventure ..
Woodlands xc

[Kathleen]

Hello Woodlands.

I'm so sorry to read of your difficulties with your daughter. I can't advise you I'm afraid but sending hugs and warm thoughts.

Take care.

K.

[CLKD]

This too will pass.  In the great scheme of things you have put down boundaries.  Undoubtedly your daughter is aware that her decisions to be late at work may well impact on her keeping a job.  So you are the punch bag.  'for ever' may change.  She may grow up.  Become responsible for her life style etc..

Many years ago my Mum told me to leave and never darken her door.  [long story short].  I could see that she wasn't getting her needs met [another long story  ] so kept communications open.  I wrote to her and Dad separately and eventually were 'allowed' back to 'see your father'.  After which the saga was never mentioned.

Of course you feel sad.  Because you can see the bigger picture?  She is repeating her habits though ?  By protecting yourself you protect your resources .........

[Poppi]

Dear Woodlands
Don't know how to help but you are one special Mom and are a rock to your wonderful son too. What a lot you have both been through and on good days your daughter sees this. I believe she will want to be better and share happy times with her family.
Like CKLD I was told to “live by our rules (parents) or leave” A lot has happened in 36 years but I had made peace with my father before he died, my mother is a different story. She is now in her 80s and a sad, lonely old lady because my father always gave her whatever she wanted. If only he had taken a stand with her she would be different. You are taking a stand with your daughter which is helping her in the long run.
Big hugs and prayers for you Woodlands.
            Poppi x

[Lanzalover]

Hi Woodlands

So very sorry to hear how things have turned out for you.
As the others have said you have made the right decision for you own and your sons wellbeing.
You have put up with behaviour you wouldn't put up with from anyone else because she is your daughter ( we are all guilty of this to varying degrees when it involves our children) but it's not acceptable and I'm sure with time she will realise this in the meantime you need to move forward with your own life.

Sending you good wishes and a big hug.

Love Lanzalover x

[Woodlands]

Good morning ladies.
Thanks to those ladies who have responded. Life has been difficult enough since my eldest died- it's four years in Sept.
My daughter knows in her heart I'm a good mum but Lanzalover yes, I have tolerated it all because she's my daughter. But now the line in the sand is well and truly drawn and I move on ahead and with the love of my son I will......we are very mum and mum/ son team and he understands the hurt his sister causes me.
The school hols are almost upon me and with 8 weeks off I plan to enjoy it to the full.
Woodlands xx

[Jeepers]

Hi Woodlands

So sorry to hear of the difficult time you are having, especially having lost your eldest, I can't imagine how you have coped, you must be a very strong woman.
Even so, you don't need to be ground down by anyone, let alone your own daughter.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, and once your daughter realises what she has lost, she will want you back.  You can then set the boundaries that work for you.  In the meantime, like you say, concentrate on you and your son, and find some inner peace..

Hugs

Jeepers xx

[CLKD]

Your daughter is still grieving.  Some of the behaviour may be a cover to divert how she really feels.  People who are scared get angry.  Is she in contact with your son?

[Woodlands]

Hi CKLD .
Yes, I agree especially suicide grief it's by far the hardest thing I have ever coped with let alone my children who were 16 and 17 when J died at 23.
However I have had shockingly awful behaviour from my daughter from aged 14 when she physical attacked me for taking her phone - at the time she was mouthing off giving it large...me pack it in or else ..the phone was taken...I had to escape the house to a friend black and blue...her dad was having an affair he came in. ..take not notice of what your mother says etc etc....he has hacked my FB , email and I've had x4 times of nails in my car tyres all whilst he's with the new beau....
So no it isn't all grief . ...my son and I lost J too and my son is a rounded young man ...
Not idea what else to do or say with DD but I'm a long time from ever wishing to see her again.
Woodlands. ..

[CLKD]

She may take a long while to mature.  Keeping boundaries is important for your own well-being.

[Annie0710]

You've had such a tough time and it's not fair you are suffering again.  Hopefully DD will grow up and see the error of her ways and you will both pick up the pieces and move forward.  It's not fair to be dragged down by DDs behaviour towards you. 

You need to look out for yourself and that's not being selfish, that's survival. 

I'm sure things will turn around where you all become close again but in the meantime your reaction will give your daughter time to reflect on how she's treated you xx