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[Annie0710]

I'm going to be honest on this but I need to know if I'm right or wrong

I suffer from the following:

1)Social anxiety
2)Have to lay down after a meal due to feeling faint and bloated
3)allergic reactions to MSG (not anaphylaxis but swollen lips/eyes etc although I get anaphylaxis from other things so always a risk)
4) vomit after eating curry (he has been with me each time I've vomitted after eating it)

We have been invited out tonight for a big curry night to celebrate one of his golf buddy's birthday, we missed the surprise party last week as we were away, there'll be a lot going tonight, all couples and many of them socialise regularly together (we go rarely and only on invitation) there's a few couples going that we don't know

OH mentioned it to me yesterday and I casually said that's a shame, are they going for drinks after so we can join them? He said they weren't but I could tell he really wanted to go (curry is his favourite) so I suggested he goes without me and if they go to a pub I'll join them later (my social anxiety is high in pubs!).  The organiser text him back saying get Annie to check the menu, I snapped at him and said what bit wasn't he understanding ? He sulked and said he won't go without me as its couples only but these are his mates from golf ! It doesn't matter that I'm not there

It's very quiet in our home now, we are both upset with each other

Going out for meals is becoming a nightmare for me now, as I feel nauseous, faint and really really bloated which I think contributes to the anxiety and I don't get any relief until I'm laying down

Am I a monster? I feel like one and I know I'm getting mood swings lately too, my OH is usually such a sweetie and goes out of his way to look after me and usually my allergies are his #1 concern so he's shocked me at this

I've talked to the doc re this palps and bloating after eating and I'm told it's IBS and the palps are due to my arrythmia but no treatment given, they wouldn't give me BBs as I'm asthmatic

I feel such a loser, before all this I'd be up for any social event (bar curry night)

:-(

Annie x

[Joyce]

Some Indian restaurants do European dishes like Chicken Maryland. Could you not order something like that instead?  Maybe that would take pressure off you if you are worried about vomiting after a curry.
Check out their web page & see.  Could you cope if it was just you & OH?

[Cazikins]

I was in a similar situation with my husband a while back, although on a much smaller scale.

I did not go to our social outing as I could not get myself in the "zone" to go out to the local pub for a meal with a couple of his mates & their other halves.

I did not regret it even though hubby didn't like it - but I knew if I went I would be terrible company for everyone there & spoil the evening, or I would possible end up having one too many drinks & end up making a fool of myself.

Looking back now I realise it was because I thought everyone would be looking at me, & expecting me to be the soul of the party, & if it was a flop it was my fault. Why I thought that I don't know but on that night I just did.

I do not think it is a question of who is right Annie. But I would say look at the menu & if there is an alternative have that, & if you do decide to go then focus you & your husband & think of just you & him, sit back & forget the others until you are relaxed enough to maybe join in. But in the end it is up to you & no one else.

Cazi x

[Annie0710]

I had wobbly moments last week in a pub with just OH and my brother, I couldn't face a whole table full


I've also realised I'm better in low lighting

Annie x

[Taz2]

This is not your fault Annie - either your husband goes without you or he stays home with you - he's a grown up and will be ok on his own this time. It's not something that you feel you can do at the moment. I've found that I am now able to refuse to go to things which I just don't need to do because they stress me to much. I've also found that being honest as to why I can't is much better. I always used to make an excuse but by actually admitting to my anxiety being too high I've found many others who suffer the same. Obviously to "beat" the anxiety you do have to expose yourself to the things which make you anxious but here you are dealing with two things 1. Anxiety about eating out and 2. The fact that the very event you are attending will make you vomit afterwards. I would suggest, though, that you and your husband do go out for a no-pressure meal in the near future so that it doesn't become a really huge thing for you to overcome.

Taz x

[Annie0710]

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate your opinions

I do face up to my problem, in the last month I've done 2 pub nights with his golf friends, my bosses all day and evening wedding, and 2 long weekends away with family which involved pubs and meals, I just don't want to do this one tonight, plus because of my allergies if there was something non Indian on the menu and I ordered it I get all the time off people (from experience) is " oh can't you just try this, are you sure you're THAT allergic?"

I get anaphylaxis from certain foods but the curry is more a sensitivity but nonetheless who wants to rush to the loo to throw up when others are eating or risk coming out with a swollen eye or lip that may progress ? Then the thought of facing 20+ people that although are very nice aren't my close friends ?

I don't feel as guilty anymore !

Annie x

[Dancinggirl]

Hi Annie0710 - I am a life vegetarian - my father was a veggie and bought my sister & I up as veggies.  This was really challenging during childhood and the teenage years as at that time being Veggie was really unusual. Parents of other children would really worry about what to feed us so we were seldom invited to other peoples homes. As and when we ever went anywhere where food was part of the event, everyone made a big deal about this and felt it was fine to question and criticise what we ate and why.  This did make me very reluctant to go out to eat with people - I hated all the fuss.

These days it is now widely accepted that people often have specific dietary needs - so you shouldn't feel you are under duress to be part of something you find distressing and difficult.  I do find some of the faddy ‘intolerences' somewhat annoying at times but we all have to find ways to put across our needs and people should be sensitive to anyone who suffers from problems over food. 

I do think some counselling to help you find strategies to deal with not just the social aspect but also help you feel better about your dietary problems. On top of being a veggie I really can't eat onions, currys etc. which is very difficult because often people think - “ oh she's a veggie, I'll do an onion tart or a vegetable curry”!!!!!! When I am feeding people I always ask if there is something a person doesn't like or can't eat. 
If you knew that the group you were with would be supportive, allow you to eat what you wanted, didn't make any reference to your issues and your husband was prepared to take you home once you had had enough of the socialising then you might have more confidence in this area.

What I do now is, eat before I go to a social event and simply say I can't eat after 7 pm - I will have a drink, do a bit of chatting with the people I want to talk to and go home when I need to.

Your husband is being insensitive and if he wants you to be more socialable then he needs to create situations where you could feel more comfortable.  Dg xxx

[Annie0710]

Thanks DG, I think he's being insensitive too which is so unlike him, maybe this newest part of my meno journey (anxiety/mood swings) will be what puts the nail in the coffin for us which is so sad as before this onset of bad mood we got on great, our sexlife is rubbish and he always reassures me it was always the bonus of us and its me he wants.  I don't like having attention on me and when not with family it gets embarrassing having to explain anaphylaxis etc.  I know what you mean about faddy diets, an ex colleague went to the ends of the earth to eat a gluten free diet saying she's allergic, I asked once was she ceoliac and she said no she just bloats! I thought try a day in the life of a anaphylactic

Curry just does not agree with me, I've never successfully eaten one without vomitting within an hour

I'm in the early days of hypnotic cognitive behaviour and due a blood test this month for Testosterone as the well woman nurse says its likely that that is causing my problems , although I've never opened up about anxiety to them

Anyway he's come home from golf and wants to go shopping (another anxiety trigger) but I'm going to go, I will beat this, one way or another and learn to accept sometimes being in the limelight having to explain my allergies

Thank you again for taking time out to reply

Annie x

[bramble]

It sounds as though this meal out with his friends means a lot to your husband. With this in mind I would go. Most curry houses have a european menu as well so you could have something light like an omelette. I have on occasion gone to seafood restaurants with business friends (I don't eat seafood) and just sat eating a green salad and bread. After the initial 'do you not eat seafood?' type of questions, it was all quickly forgotten and people just moved on in conversation. I did not feel odd - no-one bothered. I took an interest in what they were eating (even though I couldn't have cared less) and it helped to make me part of the group.  It was more important that I attended - as it will be to your husband.
Maybe have another think about it?

Bramble

[CLKD]

Probably too late to be of any use.

I used to worry myself sick about eating 'out' as it made my emitophobia worse.  As I grew up - that is, in recent years - I've said 'no' to eating if we go anywhere.  It is rare that anyone seems to notice and my classic reply is 'I have problems with keeping sugars even so had to eat earlier' …….. if anyone asks if I am diabetic I say that I'm under investigation ;-).

Some people are unable to tolerate certain spices.  Also MSG is well known for causing allergic reactions.  Again I would say that I have such a sensitive system these days that I tend to stick with foods/drinks that I am safe with which means eating earlier.  Which is true in my case, there are foods that I refuse to eat i.e. chicken: unless cooked at home.

For years I couldn't even watch others eating if I felt queasy  ……. I am not so bad these days.

I make sure that I sit by the door.  That I know where the loo is and that I have the key to the car in case I need to leave for a while.  I simply leave the table, I don't say anything.  Most people think I'm going to the loo and it's not something that is particular discussed ;-).

As for your OH, he seems insenstivitive.  This isn't the day to bring your issues to a head, but you need The Talk. Explain that right now you are not prepared to go out to eat, that you don't mind if he goes alone as men should have buddy time but he mustn't mind nor put you under pressure about going out with his mates: that if you do go along that he isn't to be worried if you don't eat …… 

"It is what it is", that you find being in a crowded place difficult.  It might not always be like this ……… certainly I have improved in recent years when I thought I would never leave the house again 

Being pedantic, you are 'right'.

[CLKD]

My Husband wouldn't consider going without me except to meet with our work mates from years ago …… they are pleased to see me if I turn up but discuss work all evening anyway  - it's a bi-annual meet up otherwise ………

[Annie0710]

Once again thank you

Well the update is he came home from golf, obviously had been on his mind and suggested food shopping, which we did, plus got more bits for our new tent, he's not mentioned the meal and has been creeping round me (I must reiterate that this man has always treated me so well and has always put my needs before his) that's why this has shocked me but he knows I've gone places that have been out of my comfort zone for him

This anxiety is since meno, he knew me before where I'd go anywhere at the drop of a hat and enjoy every minute of it

I thought the first time I was sick after curry I must've had a bug so thought no more about it then a year or so later my brother cooked me a mild curry and I rushed off the table and was sick in his garden, I'm not risking it again

We're back to normal now , I did think deep down I wasn't being a mare by not going but have been so moody lately I doubted myself

Funny thing is he bought curry ingredients from shopping and is now tucking into it lol

Annie x

[Ju Ju]

I can't eat Indian food in Indian restaurants, yet can eat my daughters Indian cooking. Cross contamination? I used to persevere because DH, family and friends love Indian meals out. I insist they go without me now. But I shrug my shoulders now and insist DH goes without me if with friends. But then we have always done some things separately as well as together. So it hasn't been such an issue for us.

I've had to cope with several food intolerances, which were severe, not anaphylactic, but very unpleasant and upsetting. Fortunately now I am post meno they have very much lessened in severity. In the early days, it was very difficult to explain why I had to be careful about what I ate. I have been accused of being faddy or fussy. Hurtful when you yearn to eat these foods. But there is greater understanding and accommodation of intolerances and allergies these days.

[Annie0710]

Juju I can eat Chinese curry, just not Indian

And locally we have an all-you-can-eat massive curry place and I happily go there with them for occasions, I just have chips and salad but there's no emphasis on why I'm not eating curry

Whilst away last year with my brothers they always choose Chinese restaurants and knowing I can't always eat there if the restaurant aren't cooking from fresh to not add MSG, elder brother phoned them in advance and they said it'd be fine, got there and everything was pre cooked (another buffet style) so I ended up not eating as the only thing I could have was fish and I don't eat fish so OH made a stand and wouldn't eat his ! He insisted in future we only go to English restaurants (although I love Italian)

Annie x

[CLKD]

Monosodium Glutunate  affects loads of people and for some reason it's used a lot in the catering industry.