Hello everyone
I'm not sure if I should post this here or in another section, sorry if its in the wrong bit.
Before you read this I want to say that I really thank you if you get to the bottom of this essay, it has taken me a long time to reach out and write what I have below so I appreciate anyone reading it all.
I went into surgical menopause in approx. 2004 after having a salpingo-oophorectomy, since then my life has been a mess. I call this my hell. My mother and sister both died of Ovarian Cancer and I was advised to have a hysterectomy as I was found to have a raised CA125 and the risk of me getting ovarian cancer was high as I had not had children and had bad endometriosis. At that time, I had horrendous periods, had endometriosis and had been through an unsuccessful IVF cycle 5 years previously so when my sisters gynae oncologist strongly recommended I have a hysterectomy I felt it was a no brainer.
Now I deeply regret that decision and feel I have ruined my life, I made that choice and wish I never had.
It's nearly 12 years on and through that time I have:
• Put on 9 stone
• Lost all of my confidence
• Had hot flushes and continue to do so
• Been on HRT, started for the first few years and was told by my GP that I would still need to go ‘through' the menopause when I came off them so I figured I would come off them and go through it then rather than delay it
• Not had a good night's sleep
• Cried many tears
• Thought about suicide a lot
• I fly off the handle at the smallest thing, snap at my husband, am unrealistic about my expectations and have thrown things across rooms
• My memory is shockingly bad, I have to write everything down as once it's gone it's gone!
• I constantly worry, grind my teeth and have anxiety
Before my operation I was super confident and outgoing, I knew my own mind, I was funny, I made friends easily, nothing fazed me, I never worried about anything. I was a coper, I was the person my friends turned to for advice, people said they admired me, I was always described as confident, I didn't take any cr*p and stood by my convictions. My husband and I rarely argued, I never snapped at him.
Now I feel a shadow of my former self, I hide away because I am so fat and sweat all the time, I hate the way I look, I hate what I have become. I'm embarrassed.
I had my operation and about a year and a half later my sister died which hit me very hard, we were very close. I have never been sure whether I couldn't cope with her death because of how I was not handling the menopause or whether I wouldn't have coped anyway. She had a full hysterectomy on top of her ovarian cancer and all of the surgery, pain and chemo she was having, she was such a fighter and didn't complain. I can't even deal with the menopause.
For around the last 10 years I have not been on any HRT thinking anytime soon the hot flushes would go away (I was told it might take 10 years) but they haven't gone anywhere. They wake me up in the morning and are the last thing that happens at night, without fail I can be nodding off and will have a hot flush which wakes me up. I have gotten into a habit of being exhausted before I go to bed in the hopes I will sleep better, I stay up until 2-3am until I am falling asleep on the sofa and then go to bed.
Before every hot flush I feel sick, this has continued from day 1, I get a feeling of panic and sometimes I feel my heart is racing, then comes the heat, always starting around my neck, that's the hottest part and then it radiates all over. I sweat on my foreheat, upper lip, small of my back, behind my knees, crotch and inside of my elbows every time. I roughly have around 20-25 hot flushes a day.
I recently went to see a GP as I am not coping well and wanted to talk about HRT, she said I wouldn't be able to take HRT as I am a smoker and asked if I would consider giving up. I said I would however I knew I would put even more weight on (I have when I gave up before) and that was the only reason I wouldn't want to stop smoking. I also have slightly raised blood pressure – no wonder really! She suggested taking Sertraline, an antidepressant, which she said has been known to help with the menopause and said that I might have a slightly dicky tummy but no other side effects. I picked up the prescription and then read the leaflet inside and then went online to read more about the drug. I haven't taken it yet and don't think I want to, there are many people online saying the drug gave them really bad night sweats (I am thankful I don't have those currently) and that they had very bad stomach ache, also it increased the risk of stroke which worried me so I don't want to take them.
It had taken me a long time to go to the GP as my experiences of HRT previously were not good and then she said I couldn't go on HRT and I don't want to risk a stroke with Sertraline so feel I am no further forward. I am really struggling to cope, am crying a lot. My husband doesn't know what to do anymore, one minute I am OK and the next I am either shouting or crying. This can't go on. I feel like I have ruined his life too, I'm not the woman he married and sometimes feel he would be better off without me.
I know that a lot of ladies will be going through or have gone through the same things I mention and I'm not the only one to be having a hard time. Some might say just get on with it and I get that. I have tried that for the past 12 years and things have not gotten easier, they have gotten harder for me. When I was on HRT I felt like a zombie, I had no emotions, not happy, not sad just flat and I didn't like that feeling and was hoping that HRT had maybe moved on in the last 10 years and gotten better and they may well have. I don't know what to do to be honest, I would really appreciate some advice please. I don't know if there is something out there that could help me, that maybe there is a simple solution that I have missed.
My sister lived in America and I saw her gynae oncologist when I visited her one time. We discussed my health history and given my sisters cancer and that my mother had already passed away of Ovarian cancer he said I should have my ovaries removed. When I came back to the UK I asked to have a salpingo-oophorectomy instead of the investigative surgery that was scheduled as I had a raised CA125 and enlarged ovary, the hospital did not want to do the operation at all but I insisted I wanted it dne. I was scared and thought it my only option. They suggested not having a full hysterectomy and instead having a salpingo-oophorectomy and if I wanted the full hysterectomy to come back later in the year. I never understood why they suggested I come back, the main thing was having my ovaries removed. I did later have a microwave ablation as I continued to bleed heavily after the operation. I sometimes feel that I am being punished for making the choice against advice by the hospital, as if they would now say ‘we told you not to do it, it serves you right', that's honestly how I feel.
In moments of clarity I think I may have saved my life by having the operation, who knows. Sometimes I think I would rather have taken that risk as the last 12 years have been hell.
Thank you for reading, I have rambled on I know, sorry it was so long. Thanks for any advice you can give.