Ju Ju, this may start a new thread because it would be interesting to know people's fears behind HA.
With me, it's not so much the actual dying, it's the responsibility that I feel towards my lovely Mum, who at 85 relies on me as I'm an only child, and I want to look after her when her time comes and there is no-one else that I can lean on for that, no siblings
and also my son. Even though I have two sons, 1 daughter, my youngest son (28) was seriously ill when he was 17/18 with what turned out to be Crohn's but they thought it was cancer, and although he is well now, he is my 'baby' and is a bit like me anxiety wise but not as bad thankfully, so I am terrified that I will die and he will not cope whereas I know the other two would because they are much more independent.
I too, was very ill when I was in my 20s (similar thing to son - I nearly died but instead of me taking comfort from it, it terrified me and so kicked off my life of HA and distrust of Drs. I am scared that I won't get the correct treatment, will be neglected in hospital, scared of the actual 'suffering' bit not so much the lovely peaceful end (hopefully!), so that also feeds my HA. I picture worse case scenarios all the time, am terrified of hospital machinery and tests. Not good!
Sorry for hijacking your thread but it's interesting to hear how other people cope from the 'other side' of this awful thing.
I so, so wish I was like you Ju Ju - I just want to get on with my life and not live like this in fear every day.