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[CLKD]

… and don't get me started on narcissistic 'friends' 

[Ju Ju]

Dorothy makes some good points. By refusing help and support from someone you have supported can be very hurtful. It's the same when not accepting compliments from friends.

[Dorothy]

It's the same when not accepting compliments from friends.

That's the thing I find hardest.  Never used to able to accept compliments, but I've improved...I now accept them - through gritted teeth! 

[Ju Ju]

I thank people now and don't try to downplay things. I now realise that's insulting to the person who's complementing.

[clio]

Except with the grace its given!

Clio

[Hurdity]

This forum's great I agree - especially for menopausal issues, but nothing can ever replace the lovely warmth of real life contact from true friends. The sincere but anonymous online support given by many women is truly amazing, but chatting and/or meeting friends where you can hear their voices, exchange eye contact and just sit and relax over coffee or a drink (or at the school gate - whatever), whether giving or taking, is part of our rich experience as human beings, and it is very sad if anyone cannot find any joy this way.

I'm not sure if I have one best friend as such although the friend we went to see yesterday probably fulfills that role for me as we have known each other since university days and can say anything to each other - but only meet about 3 times a year, although was much more frequent when our children were growing up. I have several other close friends around here who I feel very at ease with and can also talk freely with - although most of them I only see every few weeks or sometimes months, and I have a friend I have known since I was 9 but we only meet every few years!  I have quite a number of long-standing friends from my early 20's whom I only see occasionally (keep in Christmas card contact) but when we meet there is still that closeness and ease borne from shared experiences many years ago. Conversely I also have friends I have met relatively recently and whom I feel a bond with and also feel at ease with. I have a neighbour who is also a very good friend and have known for 30 years and would always be there for me - as would her husband for my husband!

I have never felt the need to have just one person whom I can speak to every day or every few days as all my friends collectively provide all I want from a friend - and I hope they feel that of me too.  I've never worried about a close friend talking about themselves a lot because it depends where you are in life and what your needs are at a particular time, but also perhaps why you were friends in the first place ie whether there was something in common that brought you together?

It's never too late to find and make new friends and especially important I feel as we are at this stage in life, when female friends are very precious. Don't give up

Hurdity x

[spiritguide]

Hello all. It's been interesting and heartening to read this thread. I yearn for the coffee and chat friendships on a regular basis but everyone is so busy...work, family, etc. I suppose I manage with texting and now using Facebook, and sometimes meeting a person in real life!

[CLKD]

Volunteering can give that if 1 has time.  I manage to strike up conversation where ever I go  if we are in a Cafe for example and people share a table.  Or out walking and I meet a 

[Ju Ju]

The forum does provide the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and to get feedback and advice. Because of the anonymity it is easier to be honest. I have the tendency to say I'm fine, when asked by friends, when I'm not, as I make the assumption that others do not want to hear the ins and outs of how I'm feeling. One good friend does raise her eyebrows and comment "Really? You're not are you!" On here I can be honest, without feeling I'm wingeing or imposing on people. Also some of my health issues are embarrassing.

 One of the benefits of joining a small choir, where we practice in each other's houses, is that after singing, we sit and chat over tea and cake. We agree that friendship as much as the singing is so valuable. I do ask friends around for tea and cake.

We also have 'Potato Evenings'. I don't particularly enjoy cooking or want the stress of cooking or worry whether the food I serve is ok. We bake potatoes and serve accompanying bits and pieces, eg salad, prawns, cold meats, cheese, coleslaw, tinned chilli, baked beans etc. This has become so popular, as you can pick and choose what you want, easily cater for food allergies, without it being a big deal. So much fun and different friends choose different things to accompany the potatoes. Alcohol is optional. We seem to have started a trend round here. It's often just a matter of inviting friends around and not waiting for others to invite you. By not going over the top, it's comfortable.

[BrightLight]

This is an interesting thread - I think I have always yearned for a best friend, but in truth I think I prefer a mix of friendships.  I have felt isolated at times in the past few years, mainly as I started working at home, many of my friendships have sprung via work or University when a lot of us moved to the same city.  Over the years having families and returning 'home' to their roots changed my circle of friends from University days but I am still in touch, but not on a day to day, in my life sort of way.  I have many aquaintances I guess, but not many very close friends that I could feel happy sharing really difficult times, but I think that is personal to me as well, I tend to work things out alone for a while and then perhaps reach out to explain when I am past the 'crisis' point - I think my friends are similar and would share troubles when they feel ready.

I have friends associated with interests as well, but really, I don't have the kind of girlfriends I used to have, where we would go out, have some fun, chat for hours over coffee.  For me, I really think it is because I don't have children and at 45 many of my friends are still very much in the throws of family life.  I am hoping to spread my wings socially a bit more this year - I am naturally an introvert and prefer one on one chats, so we shall see how I get on.

[CLKD]

Sounds like a 'housewife's register-type group.  Where ladies join together without children/spouses monthly in someone's house.  But it got too 'rigid' for me, OK to serve coffee/tea/cake but then others began home baking or doing pizza so I stopped attending. 

Don't forget the Cinnamon Trust or AGEUK befrienders, volunteering ideas as a starting point. 

[Ju Ju]

Brightlight, there's nothing wrong with being introverted. You don't need to be in the limelight as you have your own inner light!

I feel fortunate that I don't need to be around people all the time. I enjoy my own company. Being alone does not mean I am lonely. It's having a balance.

[jedigirl]

Ju Ju
Love the potato night idea sounds like a fab idea
I do have many casual friends associated with areas of my life, parents of my kids friends, work colleagues, partners friends and they have always meant a great deal to me, they are part of the web of my life in their way. I often wonder if having three brothers and living in a pub most of my childhood meant I have an unfilled yearning for female company!
I have become much closer to the mother of my daughters ex boyfriend. She's been so lovely about my daughter and I've been chatting with her about her own weight issues which i know she is feeling very low about. I feel privileged that she's sharing some stuff with me and I her. Strangely we got on the minute we met despite being quite different. We both commented on how easily we clicked . I held back at little at first, unsure whether we were just connected through the kids and what might happen when they split. I am enjoying her friendship very much, especially this holiday.She shares my love of tea and Prosecco! I think it may be the start of something special! my husband thinks it's hilarious that I'm so pleased when she texts!
When the kids were younger I used to go to playgroups etc but never found small talk easy so always felt awkward and they often seemed cliquey.
Whoever my friends are, casual or close I value them for who they are and vow to concentrate on them more this year.

[jedigirl]

Brightlight
I am a natural introvert too, find groups of people too much, I always want to shrink and find very confident people overwhelming. I much prefer a one to one chat xx

[Ju Ju]

I tend to avoid cliquey groups of people, as they tend not to be open.

I feel privileged when people confide in me. I'm not a leader and have no wish to be one, though I am capable of leading if there is no choice. I thrive in a supportive role and as part of a team. I have learnt the skill of listening, which takes the strain from social situations. Most people enjoy talking about themselves and it is interesting.

We get on very well with our DD's partners parents and get together regularly. His mum and I share an interest in amateur dramatics and go to each other's plays.