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[Dulciana]

 I get so easily irritated and exhausted by other family members' problems these days, even though Hubby thinks I handle them very well.   If (when!) I get anxious about anything, the last thing I really want to know about is the hard time somebody else close to me may be having.  I'm the sort of person who will always let others offload their concerns on to me and try to help them sort whatever out, but then I'm left physically drained and emotionally exhausted.  Then I start resenting the pressure that the other person has put on me, which is just so selfish.   Outwardly, I seem to be coping with the emotional impact of people close to me but inwardly I feel like crumbling and crying.   What's a girl to do?       

[Dana]

I totally understand how you feel. I've had this problem all my life because I have a very compassionate and empathetic nature. Mostly this is a good attribute to have, but there are definitely times where it's been a real negative for me. There have been a number of times where I've ended up fighting other people's battles (often with a mutual friend), only to have them skipping off and leaving me hanging out to dry. Consequently I'm the one who ends up the loser, often times losing both friends.

Other people never seem to have a problem telling me the complete ins and outs of their problems, but when it's my turn I tend to gloss over things because as soon as I start talking I feel like I'm just a whinger. Plus the other person never seems that interested in listening to me anyway. So to all my friends I seem to have this happy-go-lucky personality, but that's basically because I don't bore them with the details.

Now at the age of 56 I think I'm finally learning to harden up a bit and let other people sort out their own problems. It makes me feel bad because I can always put myself in their position and think how would I feel, but I'd rather that than having the stress and anxiety of taking on their problems for them.

Dulciana I'm not sure what to suggest, except maybe next time you could listen to them and then make comments like "that must be really hard for you", and "I hope you are able to work out a solution to that", but don't take on the problem yourself. People have to "man-up" and become adults, and being an adult means sorting out your own mess.

[Anjia]

Well said Dana this is just how I feel these days now at my age 55 I think let them get on with it.

[Ju Ju]

Once you realise it's not your job to take on our people's loads, or to 'fix' people or sort out people's problems, life becomes so much easier.

All you need to do is listen. Listening is a skill. It means really hearing and not interrupting with your own experiences. Most people just want to be heard and you can show you have heard by reflecting back or summarising what they said. " So when this happened you felt........".

You just value the person, maybe provide some insight, maybe not. All you need to do is support them as they do their own fixing or healing.

Imagine finding someone who has fallen down a hole. You cannot help them or yourself by jumping down and joining them. Your job is to offer your hand from the top to help them out, but they have to choose to take it.

First and foremost, your responsibility is to look after yourself and if you can't listen, take a step back. Be honest. Tell people you are feeling stressed and need to look after yourself. Let others look after you. You do not have to be strong all the time. You are just as important and putting yourself first is not being selfish. You cannot be there for others if you are not there for yourself.

[Dancinggirl]

Good advice Ju Ju.  I used to feel I should fix everyone and everything but I now see this as part of my own insecurity.
I now take a far more detached view and have found I am calmer about life in general.
Look after yourself first then, when a true need arises, one is better able to be of real help. DG x

[Dulciana]

Thanks everyone.  There's such a lot of good advice here.  I'll go over it all carefully and try to take it on board.
D.
 

[honeybun]

I find it difficult to step away from family issues especially if it's my children. Basically for me if they have a problem then I want to help in anyway I can.

As for others, I can step back and not get involved. I will listen but that's it....my days of sweeping in to help are over, I'm neither physically or mentally capable anymore.


Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

Grangravy - Mum was the same, for years she down-loaded on the 'phone then moved on but never bothered to tell me!  I would visit and ask how the problem was that she had been so upset about, causing me much lost sleep  and she could barely remember! so eventually, I suggested that she should speak with her GP/Practice Nurse/Solicitor/Financial Advisor …. her reply is always "Oh I can't do that Dear".  So now I stop her in full flight, either by putting down the 'phone or saying "I can't deal with that now".

I was a fixer always running in to help.  Then I would find that my advice had been ignored but the problem/s remained ….. so now if friends begin to down load I will say "I've been a Secretary so can direct you to the Agencies you seem to require".  It is so draining otherwise and makes me really angry if they keep on ………

[CLKD]

My other phrase to people downloading is "not my hen, not my farm" - usually stops them in their tracks as they try to work it out 

[Hurdity]

I agree with honeybun re one's children's problems. As a parent I could never be seriously irritated by hearing their worries and concerns and would always make an effrot to understand, help, do what I can, as it's only natural to take on their worries and try to help. Having said that my children do not have families of their own - one has a long term partner and the others not yet at that stage, and no grandchildren.  My views may change as their situations change and as they grow older and (hopefully) have their own families.

As for other family members - hmm well again I feel a responsibility towards my dear mother and would and do always willingly drop everything to help her (although she's pretty independent as yet even thouhg in her late 80's!) - and siblings - well I don't want to go into personal circs on here but one sibling in particular needs ongoing help and support due to disability. Perhaps I don't see (or hear from) them all as often as you do Dulciana ie family members so it doesn't seem much of s strain to me?

However I have been on HRT for 8 years so I am on an even keel and although I have lots of minor health niggles (only to be expected in my early 60's), nothing major - so that's my version of looking after myself (yes Dancinggirl I quite agree with that), which gives me enough energy to give out to others when needed without too much frustration. I agree that during the early/mid peri-menopause especially, the hormonal raging going on can preclude anything other than focussing on oneself and making sure you have enough energy (mental and physical) just to function!

Crying is normal too Dulciana at this stage - I cried at the drop of a hat during early peri and even before, when hormones had obviously started to change. I think it's best to have a good cry when you need to, and just do what you can without feeling guilty.

Hurdity x 

[Sunnydays]

I too seem to be prone to taking the worlds problems on to my shoulders and when it comes to ones  children, every difficulty of theirs becomes mine. I must say however with hrt I feel a calmness which helps to put things in perspective; but again when it comes to your own children.......
 
There was a similar thread somewhere on this forum (I can't remember if it was part of one of your  posts Honeybun) but it gave a link to a very useful website about not taking on others problems. I had it stored on my phone but a technical problem meant I lost all my favourites. I found it very useful and it put things into perspective for me - at the time I passed it on to a couple of friends who found it to be of benefit. Can anyone find it as I think it would be useful to post again.

[CLKD]

Ask your friends ? 

[bramble]

Two of my good friends are going through crises at the moment - one has a husband with terminal cancer and the other is going through tests for early onset dementia - so my anxiety levels are sky high. I keep telling myself that there is nothing I can do to solve them but it does not help. I feel so helpless.

Bramble

[Ju Ju]

Bramble, you feel helpless only because you can't fix the problem. But don't you realise how powerful just being there with love for your friends is? Just being there caring is all you have to do, apart from looking after yourself. Just trust in that. We all need friends like you.

[Kathleen]

Hello Dulciana.

I agree with the other ladies and caring so much can be a draining experience, especially if your children have problems. Someone told me that even though we can't control the world we can influence it and I find that both comforting and liberating.
Wishing you all well.
K.