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[Greenfields]

So I found out today that I didn't get the job I went for interview for on Thursday.  I wasn't surprised as I made a complete hash of the test prior to the interview (so I've put it down in the category of useful experiences to learn from).

However, I decided that it was about time I pushed myself a little bit out of my comfort zone and I needed some trousers as all my size 12's are hanging off me and it was awkward at the interview as there was only 1 pair of trousers that I could wear where the waistline stayed sufficiently up so that the trousers didn't fall off 

So I caught a train to a town an hour away from where I live, went to M & S and bought 2 pairs of size 8 trousers in their sale.  They are still hanging off me a bit but not nearly as much as the size 12's I have in my wardrobe!

It felt a bit scary going out and doing this but I figured that if I want to get on a plane to Canada sometime in July then I need to start doing more things now ... so I did and my nervous system didn't go kaput or anything and I feel okay (bit tired but that's all).

It's made me feel a bit more optimistic ... I still don't know when I will feel 'better' from the breakdown I had in March but to be able to do something like I did today felt like a good step to doing more ..

Out of interest, if anyone who's had a breakdown can give me any sense of when there were able to take more steps to do things? - please post.  I think what has put me off up till now is just being scared that if I push myself, my nervous system is going to overload and I'll have another breakdown - so it's been hard to judge when or if to do things.

BTW I am thinking of making a trip to London UK soon (that's a 2 hour train journey I think) to see how I handle that ... 

Also, I am trying to do more yoga - I came across this lovely post recently and it gave me more hope - I wasn't as ill as she was and yet she has managed to heal herself:
http://theyogalunchbox.co.nz/yoga-can-help-heal-mental-illness-big-time/

[CLKD]

   I know how hard it can be!

After I came out of deep depression and anxiety which had me housebound for 3 months, I went shopping when it wasn't necessary i.e. never let the cupboards run bare.  Shop when it's unlikely to be busy.  Shop when I feel OK even if I don't want anything, browsing in my own time gave me confidence, though I did wonder if the store detective would think I was going to shop-lift  .

There are meds that can ease anxiety, I've had to take 2/3 this week in order to not jump off a cliff  and it really does help take that surge of anxiety from the gut. 

Yoga is good therapy.  I tried to do the relaxation therapy this week but it ain't worked ……

As for the job: you did the interview and presumably had feed-back on which you can build?

[Greenfields]

Didn't have feedback from the job interview - just a standard letter saying that the standard of applicants had been high ... but I know I messed up the test big time so I wasn't surprised I wasn't successful and, to be honest, the workload involved in the post would have been considerable - so in some ways I'm relieved I didn't get it.

Good to hear I'm not the only one shopping like that! I usually trawl my local supermarket slowly - that's been my main shopping area since I got ill - so to go out today and go somewhere else and buy clothes instead was very new for me.  That said, I kept looking in the local charity stores locally for size 8 trousers for ages and just couldn't find anything - so I really needed to get some trousers as I'm so embarrassed at the way my clothes are hanging off me even though I am trying not to spend very much money - so at least I have some decent ones for interviews now and for work at some point.

[CLKD]

Bet you are tired then! It does take a lot out of 'us' 

[Dorothy]

Congratulations on your progress, Greenfields.  It sounds as if you are doing really well.

Ok, so you didn't get the job.  But you survived the interview and the test. That is a major achievement especially if your breakdown was only in March!  You are doing incredibly well...just think how far you have come.

[Greenfields]

Congratulations on your progress, Greenfields.  It sounds as if you are doing really well.

Ok, so you didn't get the job.  But you survived the interview and the test. That is a major achievement especially if your breakdown was only in March!  You are doing incredibly well...just think how far you have come.

Yes, absolutely - I am still getting used to feeling slightly competent again - for want of a better expression.

Looking back now, I think my breakdown was 'mild' - I wasn't hospitalised and I actually managed to drive to the acupuncturist twice in the week that it occurred - which floors me when I look back now - that I was that functional to drag myself out of bed and drive at a time when I used to struggle to get up, bathe and dress and frequently had to lie down for 30 minutes after I did each of those things.   But I know I had some kind of breakdown because I experienced extreme depersonalisation, numbness, fatigue and the weight fell off me - I really struggled to eat.  And I felt dreadful for weeks ...

It's just hard to know how much my nervous system can take in terms of 'stress' and I really don't want to experience another breakdown with more severe symptoms (I've met people who've had this happen to them in the support group I go to).  I most especially do not want to experience a breakdown while making another visit to Canada - that would be hideous 

But equally I want to do more things and sort things out even though, at times (most times at the moment) it's so utterly overwhelming ... am glad I'm seeing my therapist this week - I hope she can give me some pointers.  If I want to travel to Canada in July, I need to book a flight soon otherwise there won't be many tickets left and they will be extremely expensive ...

[CLKD]

Most therapists tell us to do it 'anyway'.  But as I explained to DH on Thursday, it's the sheer physicality of feelings that stop me in my tracks.  I *know* why I feel like I do but over-coming the physical effects ………. virtually impossible 

[Greenfields]

Most therapists tell us to do it 'anyway'.  But as I explained to DH on Thursday, it's the sheer physicality of feelings that stop me in my tracks.  I *know* why I feel like I do but over-coming the physical effects ………. virtually impossible 

Aw that's sad.  I'm sorry that you experience that.  At the moment I experience more apprehension when doing things than actually anxiety and fear (at least today) - once I got on the train I was fine.  But for me the fear is will it last or will I push myself too far, get stressed and then have my nervous system crash?  The symptoms of my last breakdown came out of the blue although there were very much in response to the decision I made to cancel my move to Canada and withdraw from the masters course - I could not believe what I had done - which is what sent my system into severe shock. Having said that, I also think I underestimated how I would feel when I visited Canada in March - there is a lot about the landscape and people in the UK that I will miss dreadfully if and when I move back to Canada ...

I wonder whether you might be experiencing a lot of stress hormones in your system if the sheer physicality of feelings stops you in your tracks - I used to get that in my twenties and thirties when I suffered very badly from panic attacks.

The thing that helped me then was exercise - it got rid of the adrenalin racing around in my system which was at a very high level (it felt like) and it didn't take much for me to get very stressed very quickly.  As well as exercise, doing yoga helped a lot too - I became a bit more relaxed.  It was still very hard doing things because I had to overcome the fears I had around possibly having a panic attack if I went and did something that I didn't normally do - like go and have a meal with someone ... but slowly over time I got over it - took a while though.

 

[Dyan]

Hi Greenfields,
Just caught up with your thread and would just like to say well done!
I can fully understand how you must have been feeling on your trip out.
I had a break down in 2004. Like you I couldn't eat , lost loads of weight, and spent a lot of time in bed. Eventually I was hospitalised for 5 weeks.
I was assigned my own psychiatrist who prescribed medication and gave me a diagnosis within a couple of days.
My breakdown was due to OCD. Something I had suffered since childhood but unaware of.
I would have spells of not feeling well, fear, panic, terrifying thoughts and a feeling of complete doom.
It took me a whole year after I left hospital to get well. I made myself do things however hard it was and I even got myself a part time job, which was part of my therapy.
I am now doing very well. I still have OCD and with it comes the depression and anxiety but I have learned how to manage it from my therapy sessions and of course with the help of medication.
Keep going and you will get there.
Dyan X

[Greenfields]

Hi Greenfields,
Just caught up with your thread and would just like to say well done!
I can fully understand how you must have been feeling on your trip out.
I had a break down in 2004. Like you I couldn't eat , lost loads of weight, and spent a lot of time in bed. Eventually I was hospitalised for 5 weeks.
I was assigned my own psychiatrist who prescribed medication and gave me a diagnosis within a couple of days.
My breakdown was due to OCD. Something I had suffered since childhood but unaware of.
I would have spells of not feeling well, fear, panic, terrifying thoughts and a feeling of complete doom.
It took me a whole year after I left hospital to get well. I made myself do things however hard it was and I even got myself a part time job, which was part of my therapy.
I am now doing very well. I still have OCD and with it comes the depression and anxiety but I have learned how to manage it from my therapy sessions and of course with the help of medication.
Keep going and you will get there.
Dyan X

Oh thank you so much for that Dyan - I really need to hear from others on this experience!  I wasn't hospitalised and because I was able to function (albeit very limited) I think it was a 'mild' breakdown.  My fear is that if I push myself I will have a more severe breakdown and end up in hospital and that scares me.  I really need to move back to Canada in August/Sept if I'm going to do it as the financial implications for me are even more difficult otherwise.  So it's figuring out the baby steps to take without overdoing it.  I'm living off my savings because I'm not eligible for any benefits and so part of me is really wanting to push myself a bit more and part of me is concerned as to what will happen if I don't judge things right! I'm hoping to take the train up to London this week and see how that goes.

The other thing is to stay in the UK and trust things will work out ... but that's scary too.  So taking a trip back to Canada in July would be a good thing for me to do providing I can handle the stress if I discover that I can't handle moving back - as living in the UK with the housing situation the way it is terrifies me.

So good to hear that you are doing well now  - it really helps me to hear that other people come through this and go on with their lives.

[Greenfields]

Just wanted to say I had a bit of a rough day today - it's almost like the more I start to feel physically better the more I feel emotionally overwhelmed and the anxiety around my future is so difficult to manage at the moment - particularly in the morning.

I've booked a train trip to London on Saturday and I'm actually going to a meditation workshop - so hoping that I will be well enough to get there and get back - and the day itself will, hopefully, be quietish as it will be focusing on meditation and meditation teachings.

Wish I didn't feel so scared about my future or my housing situation ... it really eats away at me even though I'm trying to do things to get better (exercise) and also more job applications - currently filling in a form for caregiving work where you go around folks houses ... I could really do with life to cut me a break soon as it's hard keeping going. 

[CLKD]

The downs are often worse than the original illness 'cos we don't know how long they will last 
Did you improve during the day?

As for care giving, you will need to have a CRB check ……..

If you go back to Canada what will the situation be there in comparison to here - you may have said already  i.e. housing, work, friends …..

[Greenfields]

The downs are often worse than the original illness 'cos we don't know how long they will last 
Did you improve during the day?

As for care giving, you will need to have a CRB check ……..

If you go back to Canada what will the situation be there in comparison to here - you may have said already  i.e. housing, work, friends …..

Sort of - I just felt anxious for much of the day.

I've had a CRB check in the past so I'm not too concerned about passing another one.

Re: Canada - well the housing situation will be cheaper and easier with respect to renting.  Workwise ... I don't know.  I do have some friends there but they have very busy lives - so I don't think I will have as much of a support network - but then I haven't got that much here really.  I would stay in the UK if the housing situation wasn't so awful I think but maybe that's because I'm just very wobbly at the moment and dealing with the uncertainty of moving back to Canada is hard.

If I stay in the UK though I will need to rent a room - can't afford to stay in my flat long term.  So just trying to focus at the moment on getting some work and, if I'm well enough, going to Canada for a week later this month or beginning of August.

[CLKD]

Have you asked your friends what support they can offer?  Do not assume because they appear 'busy' that they won't welcome a friend in trouble  .  They may have ideas as to the housing situation etc. and can keep their ears to the ground for job openings!

Had you thought about a B&B somewhere :  I know it's more intrusive living in someone's home but it might be a cheaper option.  Have a look in The Lady magazine to see if there are any 'companion'-type jobs that take your fancy? once your have an up-date CRB cert.. you may find accommodation in return for light house duties or personal care.

I HATE that wobbly in-between feeling, get that when I am planning a holiday 

[Greenfields]

Thanks CLKD.  I finished an application for care work today and I am seeing someone at that care agency tomorrow ... so I'm keeping my fingers crossed it leads to something - it will take a few weeks for checks to come through so if I go away for a week to Canada in the meantime, it won't mess things up too much which is good.  I just need to find something so that, if I do make a trip to Canada and discover I can't move back, that I have something lined up in the UK even if it's just p/t to begin with.

Re: asking friends ... well I spoke to a Quaker this morning and on Sunday I'm going to ask at the meeting whether anyone has a room to rent from September or knows of someone who would have a room to rent in September ... I really want to get out of my flat situation as it's way too expensive for me and if I do stay in the UK longterm, I will need to rent a room for the rest of my life probably unless my salary significantly increases.

I have thought about looking in The Lady - just wary of doing a job at the moment that combines living in with work as if I'm not well, then I could well be thrown on my ear if I can't do the work that I'm supposed to do.

People say I look a lot better which is nice and I do feel a bit more myself ... it's just it's very overwhelming trying to sort things out now.  And I really wish I hadn't lost a month to poor medical care in April - if I had had the right care from the beginning then I would be a month ahead in my recovery and wouldn't have to make so many significant decisions in a very short space of time (it feels like) - but I keep reminding myself to take baby steps ... and hopefully things will get easier (that's all I can pray for!). xxx