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[Bette]

  SL - as you say, it does get easier with time but I'll still be relieved when 26th is here.
Scampi - please don't worry about getting upset, it sounds as if you're coping amazing well and sometimes letting it out is the best thing. Maybe your hubby could take the responsibility off your shoulders and think of something to suggest to his mother?
The Dogs Trust is wonderful - I know 2 folk who walk dogs for them and they can't praise them highly enough.
Thinking of you. 
Bette x

[Joyce]

Emotions run high at this time of year, especially when you lose someone.  My brother lost his first wife over the festive period 15 years ago this year.  He's since remarried, but I'm sure their children still feel it.  My mum had died just a few weeks before too.  As you say SL "you get through it".  You have to.

[silverlady]

LD it was 10 years ago, so I am able to talk about it and not get so upset.
 
Silverlady xx

[Bette]

Mum's really struggling. Got herself upset over doing cards. Have told her that I'm not sending any apart from one to Auntie in the hope that she won't send any next year. Too late for this year as she's already done it. Can't see the point in her upsetting herself like this.
Bette x

[viv]

My mum got herself upset over her cards too. Funny its the little things that they stress over. She found an old Xmas card list and sadly a lot of the names on it were of friends and family who have passed away. She was also struggling to write her cards this year.

Its hard to watch 

      to all.

Honeyb
x

[Pennyfarthing]

My Mum's 87 and is also getting a bit stressed about Xmas.  She's been saying for weeks that she's going to give grandchildren and children money because she doesn't know what to get people.
She's coming to us for a few days so she doesn't need to buy any food etc anyway.
She did all her cards last week and was very organised about that.
I took her grocery shopping yesterday and she then said she wants to buy something for a couple of neighbours so we bought chocolates and nice Xmassy fruit cakes.   Then we got outside and she was saying she still doesn't know what to get people

I really believe she has spent all her married life preparing, shopping, wrapping etc that now she doesn't have to, she's still in that mode.  Does that make sense?

[Bette]

Yes it does. They also worry about what's "expected" by others and were bought up to abide by the "rules". That's why I've told her that I'm not sending cards, in the hope that it will give her "permission" not to do so next year.
I think that part of Mum's problem is that this is such a sad time of year for her, that she resents the fact that everyone else is so cheerful. I must admit that I can relate to that. The silly thing is, is that if it wasn't for Mum and her need to "conform", OH and I would happily ignore Xmas altogether - it would just be a day like any other. Then, of course, I start thinking about what it'll be like when she's gone - then I'll be beating myself up about thinking this, won't I?  to all.
Bette x

[CLKD]

Once we accept that a C.mas is different without our loved ones to take part with us, it does become easier.  Himself and I please ourselves and have a new routine and of course I pass a thought in case Mum isn't having a good time but that's her choice: the 'new' man and her decided to live together, he does the cooking so we stepped back.

[Oldteen]

I had what seems to have become an annual Christmas wobble in BHS today, of all places. I'd forced myself to go shopping and hearing all that shmaltzy Christmas music made the tears run down my cheeks and I had to get out. Now that my parents have gone there is no-one in my family left to have over for Christmas, and I miss them.

I also found myself thinking back to times in the  past when I was unhappy, and then thinking of things that make me unhappy now. I was so glad to get home and shut the world out! Exactly the same thing happened last year too. Maybe I should shop online in future, so as to avoid all the shops, or try and do it earlier before it all kicks off!

[Pennyfarthing]

I had what seems to have become an annual Christmas wobble in BHS today, of all places. I'd forced myself to go shopping and hearing all that shmaltzy Christmas music made the tears run down my cheeks and I had to get out. Now that my parents have gone there is no-one in my family left to have over for Christmas, and I miss them.

I also found myself thinking back to times in the  past when I was unhappy, and then thinking of things that make me unhappy now. I was so glad to get home and shut the world out! Exactly the same thing happened last year too. Maybe I should shop online in future, so as to avoid all the shops, or try and do it earlier before it all kicks off!

Batty - I'm wondering whether in the future you could just forget it all and do your own thing on the day.  There are people who do.  I think I very nearly could.  It's just my DD is very keen on Xmas so I don't like to spoil it for her.  I have bought a lovely new fibre optic tree this year and will cook a wonderful Xmas lunch which we all enjoy.

Apart from that, we are not religious, I give a donation to charity instead of Xmas cards and we only but presents for immediate family now, so not much shopping to do.

[Oldteen]

Thank you both. Actually I do only buy for my adult children and my best friend now,  so the actual task of shopping isn't that bad. My Christmases have almost always been quiet: as a child it was only ever me, mum and dad, and since I left home to get married I've spent one Christmas with my in-laws, and two or three with my parents before my dad became too ill to travel, then he died and it was just mum, and now she's gone. Otherwise it's only been me and my husband and the children.

I don't particularly want to be with my in-laws, but they have never  wanted to come and stay with us ( and now FIL can't travel anyway) and have only invited us once in all the years that we have been married, and that was before the children were born.

I have a deep, deep longing for a large family, even if it can be stressful, which I know full well how much it can be just from reading peoples' stories on here. I feel for my kids too, as their Christmases are pretty boring for them! My son did go to the pub with his friend once, which pleased me. My Mother in law would have been aghast at his abandoning "the family" like that!

[Oldteen]

Batty x

Shopping online is good, I recommend it. I've more or less done all mine without moving from the sofa, not that I'm lazy, I just hate crowded places, queues, piped music, festive advertising, trying to find inspiration while wandering aimlessly around, so I know where you're coming from!

As far as thinking back to times past goes, try and turn it on its head and think of the things that made and make you happy. I'm sure your parents wouldn't have wanted you to be all sad, 'live for today and try and count your blessings' is a mantra I repeat in my head on a regular basis. And maybe next time take your daughter shopping with you, would that help? x

Thank you Morwenna. I do go shopping with my daughter at times, but today I was looking for things for her!

You're spot-on! I hate all the crowds, the piped music and all that aimlessly wandering around too. I'll try and be positive.There's no point in yearning for what cannot be. Unless my children go on to have loads of children of their own the large, close-knit family I dream of can never be.

I know someone who comes from a large family in Ireland. They are very close and supportive; she goes back to see them every year and I envy her that so much!

[Pennyfarthing]

Batty x

Shopping online is good, I recommend it. I've more or less done all mine without moving from the sofa, not that I'm lazy, I just hate crowded places, queues, piped music, festive advertising, trying to find inspiration while wandering aimlessly around, so I know where you're coming from!

As far as thinking back to times past goes, try and turn it on its head and think of the things that made and make you happy. I'm sure your parents wouldn't have wanted you to be all sad, 'live for today and try and count your blessings' is a mantra I repeat in my head on a regular basis. And maybe next time take your daughter shopping with you, would that help? x

Thank you Morwenna. I do go shopping with my daughter at times, but today I was looking for things for her!

You're spot-on! I hate all the crowds, the piped music and all that aimlessly wandering around too. I'll try and be positive.There's no point in yearning for what cannot be. Unless my children go on to have loads of children of their own the large, close-knit family I dream of can never be.

know someone who comes from a large family in Ireland. They are very close and supportive; Ishe goes back to see them every year and I envy her that so much!

Don't you believe it!  My Mum is from a huge Irish family and most of them still live in Ireland.  She moved to England as a young bride and has always missed "home".  I think she's always imagined that they are all close and never any fall outs.  I took her over about 2 years ago and because of her age and the fact that she hadn't been "home" for about 15 years a great fuss was made with visitors from all over Ireland.

I learnt that some branches of the family have very little to do with others, other branches always tread carefully around certain members.  Some have become very wealthy and successful but others have girls getting pregnant at 13, having huge families before they're, say, 21 and marrying wasters who never do a days work.   

The grass isn't always greener believe me.

[Bette]

The grass isn't always greener believe me
That is so true, Pennyfarthing.
Bette x

[Oldteen]

I know that's true, but it's easy to look at something you don't have with rose-tinted glasses isn't it?

I expect if I had umpteen siblings, aunties, uncles etc to entertain or to visit on Christmas Day I'd be stressed and anxious about it, and longing for a quiet Christmas!

I just hope my kids don't look back and say, "Well, our Christmases  when we were young were pretty dull really - just us and our parents."