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[Strongflush]

Hi everyone

I wonder if someone can give me some words of wisdom please to stop me going more insane than I already feel.  I'm in my early 50s (not in menopause yet), in a very loving and stable relationship but I'm starting to think really irrationally about things.  My partner can be a bit bawdy in the humour department (something I probably wouldn't have minded when I was younger and more confident) but I seem to be taking things to heart and feeling jealous of younger women he might comment about on the TV (ridiculous I know).  I have no reason not to trust him but I find myself worrying about who he's texting and I'm really worried about an upcoming holiday he has with some of his friends (all who are in commited relationships with their wives).  I just wondered if anyone has felt like this from time to time and whether anyone could point me in the direction of some useful guidance online please to try and sort my head out (I have researched lots but sometimes your peers can direct you to better information  .  Thank you so much ❤️

[CLKD]

Yep.  It's apparently quite common at 'this age' 

   Many of us are juggling issues: elderly parents/neighbours, changes of job situations, teens ......... plus hormonal upheaval.

Bawdy in the workplace of course isn't allowed these days, might be a way of approaching his attitudes ?  Perhaps ask him whether he has noticed any changes about you in the last 6-12 months ........ how aware might he be of The Change?

How open are your conversations in general or are you like many, drifting through days saying 'yes Dear, no Dear' but not actually discussing the nitty gritty?  How much do you share, i.e. housework, hobbies etc.?   R U included in this holiday?

U R not going mad, it's our time of Life  .  What R your periods up to, how is your overall diet and exercise ........

[Strongflush]

Thanks for replying CLKD.  He's not bawdy at work, just with me and his friends.  He's pretty aware of the change as he's a retired medical practitioner and he's really good at helping out at home which is why I'm so frustrated with myself. He's always had a sporting break away each year with his friends for a few days each year.  I suppose it's one of the difficult things when you get together in your late 40s, you haven't established things together like you would in your 20s (if that makes sense) but I suppose it brings other benefits 

Period are all over the show but the gaps between them are getting longer so hopefully that's good news.  Exercise is good (I walk 5 miles a day) and diet is pretty good.  It's just my head and anxiety which is a mess 

[CLKD]

If the wives aren't going you can put that worry to bed ;-).

My periods waxed and waned for years  .  DH and I are joined at the hip and hardly mix other than with sports friends . 

Turn this around and comment about young men on TV, if U look hard enough U may find a few  .   


I also ask occasionally what I can do to improve where we are 'right now'. 

[EJ14]

Hi there,
I'm new here and don't know if my two cents will help,but here goes.
I completely understand my husband isn't bawdy but over the last couple of years I seem to notice more when he remarks on other women.
I think it is no coincidence that my confidence has waned over last couple of years. If you love him and can talk, try to communicate your feelings, say your not expecting a fundamental change, but explain you need extra tlc and sensitivity.

[Minusminnie]

When we see a young girl in the street with short skirt or in general, pretty I say "Would you like to go round again for another look?"  .

If true ? there is something really not right about this.

[Jules]

My ex husband never remarked on other women, and I was never jealous until our relationship was breaking down and he started putting others first. I learned months after we'd separated,  that he'd already met someone when we were together. I had no idea, no clue.   I don't think a healthy admiration for a good looking person is an indication of infidelity.  Maybe insensitive to your feelings but maybe not aware it bothers you. I'm not sure that's the case if he's looking at young girls in short skirts. That sounds creepy.

[HellsBells]

We have to stop normalising this crap. Commenting on other women is cruel and lacks empathy. It's not 'normal', it's a clue that he doesn't give a crap how you feel. They often follow up any complaints with "you're a prude" or "you're too sensitive" blah blah. Their bad behaviour is made our problem.

It's a deal breaker for me. You just have to decide if it is for you. I would wager there is other stuff which suggests he does what he likes and you just have to suck it up.

Oh and boys will be boys is also an outdated load of rubbish. Not all men do this stuff.

[Penguin]

Gosh anything involving young girls would alarm me and I would challenge it. I don't see my husband noticing other women at all tbh, but previous boyfriends have done. If he knows commenting on women on the TV upsets you and continues then thats a problem you could address with a conversation away from when it is happening, that's just about basic respect and not wanting to hurt or disrespect the person you are with.

[CLKD]

Strongflush - would U have a conversation explaining how you are feeling, mayB whilst taking a walk or a drive ......... "I've been feeling a bit delicate recently" . 

[Minusminnie]

Gosh anything involving young girls would alarm me and I would challenge it.

Which is why I wrote my previous post.

Choosing to ignore doesn’t make it right.

[Jules]

My ex liked Stephanie Powers. Hart to Hart. I liked Robert Wagner so we just joked about it. I think you know when it's just banter. People in relationships do not stop noticing other people,  no matter how secure the relationship is, it's human nature, most keep it to themselves. I wasnt oblivious to a good looking man because i was married. And i was married a ling time. But if you're remarking on it in a particular way then that's when it's concerning.

[getting_old]

How long have you been married? and in that time has he ever actually done anything to make you not trust him? Has his behaviour changed to make you worry and not trust him? What happens when you ask him who he's texting?
From what you've written it sounds like you need your OH to build your confidence up, so I'd say explain that to him, but in terms of how you feel and what you need from him. Give him examples and ask for his support, but also allow him to do stuff as that will show you that you can trust him.

[Strongflush]

Thanks everyone. We’ve been together 3 years and he’s never done anything to suggest I shouldn’t trust him, I just always feel like I need to keep my guard up and that I need to know everything he’s up to which is ridiculous because I never used to be like that. Maybe I’m just more protective of the relationship as I’m in my 50s or maybe it’s the hormones or lack of them making me feel rubbish. Usually I’ve got a great sense of humour but it just seems to have left the building! I just think men arent good at understanding things like this and if I try and suggest a behaviour change he takes it personally, but then I take things personally too - oh joy 

[CLKD]

Hi!  A lot of this may relate to previous friendships, a lack of trust perhaps. 

I worried more about DH having a fatality on the road,  now that we have mobiles he phones home when out and about.  How much communication do you have when your O/H is away with his pals?   Perhaps ask how much he worries about you ...... anything to open up the conversation without appearing clingy?

How do you feel overall, about Life, hobbies, the weather etc.?