How sad that the only place I can talk about my breaking heart is online with strangers. I can't talk about it with my family, but I know that if anyone was going to understand, I might find them here.
Why does Mother Nature time the sh** that is menopause to coincide pretty much exactly with our children leaving home?
I have three kids, big age gaps - eldest was 13 and middle child 9 when our surprise but much loved third arrived. It broke my heart when the first two left home, but at least I still had my youngest. She and I developed such a close bond, more like best friends than mother and daughter. For the past couple of years she has been very poorly and in and out of hospital. I've spent hours by her bedside, taking her to and from appointments and looking after her and this, along with the fact that when her sister (middle child) left home she was like an only child, is why we are so close. With the correct medication finally being sorted last year (thank Heavens!) she's now at University and has grown into an independent, confident strong young woman. I am so proud of her, but at the same time I am utterly heartbroken. Where she used to share everything with me and while we are still close, I'm now very much aware that I am no longer on the list of people with whom she shares all the excitements and adventures of her life. She used to confide in me about everything. Of course I can't say anything to her and I won't, she's an adult, she is entitled to her privacy and I absolutely don't want to be painted as an interfering mother because I'd hate to damage our relationship. I know I need to step back now and let her find her own way. Its just that, while I miss all three of them, I miss her so very, very much, I really feel like I've lost a piece of me.
It really stinks that people like me aren't allowed to admit to society that we feel this way. As a mum we love these kids, raise them, give our lives to them and then one day we must just wave them off and see other people quickly replace us in their affections. I'm not allowed to wallow in self pity. It's frowned upon if I am a bit clingy (rolling eyeballs when I ask my eldest for a hug
). Now with the youngest I am not allowed to ask her things that a couple of years back we giggled and cried about together all the time and I miss this closeness.
I am told I have to be proud of them fleeing the nest, to congratulate myself on a 'job well done' and I am very proud of them all.
But it hurts so much. Don't get me wrong we are a close family, we speak to our kids regularly and get together often and I know there are so many parents out there who aren't close with their children or, worse still, have lost children. I understand why some people will have no patience with my feelings, but I can't help feeling sad. The youngest leaving home is the newest scar and hurts the most.
I am self employed and work alone from home, I don't have many friends. I know I need to find myself new hobbies, I know I need to now concentrate on 'me' and 'my life' I've been told this so many times recently but its not easy when for 33 years I've always been 'mum' to someone at home. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I like, I have no hobbies. Its like I went to sleep as a 22 year old and woke up as a 55 year old totally lost.
Anyway - that's me. Not really sure why I've posted, just to see if anyone can relate I guess. Before anyone thinks it and although it does sound like it I'm not depressed (honestly!) I'm just sad. I have a wonderful family, great husband and kids I am just really struggling with this 'next stage' in my life which I feel totally unprepared for.
Thanks for reading.