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[CLKD]

Dotty D68!!!!  Nowt wrong with Bah! Humbug! in fact I bought a card for DH with those exact words 

You have a similar situation to many with a relative in the 'care' system.  In that they expect their needs to be obeyed, some may even realise that they won't be going anywhere but still retain enough mental nonce to push buttons!  Which may have worked in the past.  She is in the best place - if approachable, have a talk with the Manager B4 you visit her.  Find out how much your Mum talks about you when you are out of sight: ?? out of mind ?? : how was your Mum over C.mas?  Did she engage and join in? 

It is what it is.  I could write a book  .  Mine refuses to engage with us so we no longer travel the 2 hour trip to see her.  This would be easier to deal with if the staff there had any joined up thinking ......... (long story short).  I don't 'do' guilt about Mum.  With my late pets; yes.  With my nasty temper over the years with DH; yes.  But not with Mum, I couldn't deal with her when she was well!

Had you been snowed in, your Mum wouldn't have had a visit!  Had you been stricken with a season cold ........ who else did you have responsibility towards?  Your Mum is in 'care'.  Which means that she should be getting 24/7 care.

No wonder your guts are rumbling and anxiety levels are bothersome.  Does the meditation work?  I had relaxation tapes - remember those? - for years. 

Is there a Nurse Practitioner at your Surgery who U could go to see?  Some GPs are seeing patients once they have been triaged .......

[Booroo]

Hi Booroo

I can relate to how you are feeling and it's awful. I never had anxiety before peri-menopause but now it seems to be my main symptom and I'm currently going through a phase of it. HRT seemed to help until I had a big blip in August when GP tried to change regime whilst I was recovering from Covid. Since then I've not been right.

I think this recent episode was triggered by my mother who went into a carehome with Alzheimer's this year. She was pretty settled til last month when visits became unbearable as she just demands to "go home" on repeat. Despite arranging to see all the family (16 of us) the week before Christmas (which I found incredibly stressful organising and in hindsight was not a good idea) she was still expecting to be with family on Christmas day which couldn't happen. This was the 1st year she didn't see any of the family on Christmas day and I have felt terrible about it even though I know her carehome laid on a lovely day. I am now dreading going to visit her as the demands to go home will continue. As a result my nightly palpitations, wobbly tummy and shakes have reappeared. I have my HRT review next week (if I can get an appointment) and I feel that if we can't tweak my HRT to control my anxiety better I may have to try other meds as I can't live like this. My social anxiety is awful and I have gone from being a confident, happy, fun person to trying to avoid meet-ups with lovely friends because I don't want to drag them down. The week before Christmas was a nightmare. I had tried to carefully space social activities out so I wasn't over-doing it but then various friends appeared last minute and before I knew it I felt totally overwhelmed with it all and out of control. I dont think the last 2 years of pre-christmas lockdowns have helped and I had got out of the habit of the pre-christmas madness.

I also get anxious about not being able to speak to a GP. Access to my surgery is very difficult on a good day and only compounded by the Christmas break.

I am "enjoying" a really quiet week this week trying to get on top of things with exercise, Meditation and lots of chamomile tea. I did try Kalms for 3 days over Christmas which seemed to help but gave me terrible tummy trouble so I stopped them. I am hoping that once we get past the New Year and things become more routine things will settle. Gosh I really do sound like bah humbug don't I! What happened to me?

I hope you get the help you need x

I too have had a v stressful time with losing family members etc week before Christmas and then our own family coming etc is just one big cook pot that blows up. Sorry to hear about your mum can’t imagine what that’s like mine passed away 10 years ago and dad 4 years ago it really is hard this year and everyone has been poorly for weeks it’s like it never ends so no wonder we are like it x

[discogirl]

So now have different issues which cripple me, I have had really bad anxiety this last week but it’s the racing heart and shakes and I get this horrible morning thing like that before I get up. Have panic attacks in night at times,have started cbt and doing calm app am trying to ask for hrt is this all normal?! Had ecg a while ago was all ok. Course kept checking my Apple Watch for heart rate not good idea with anxiety?

Hi Booroo,

I'm on 4 pumps of gel which I started beginning of december, everything went fine but then anxiety came back out of the blue and that seems to knock everything else off, so I really can relate to what you are going through.

What estrogen are you on? xx

[Booroo]

So now have different issues which cripple me, I have had really bad anxiety this last week but it’s the racing heart and shakes and I get this horrible morning thing like that before I get up. Have panic attacks in night at times,have started cbt and doing calm app am trying to ask for hrt is this all normal?! Had ecg a while ago was all ok. Course kept checking my Apple Watch for heart rate not good idea with anxiety?

Absolutely nothing at all at the mo I have sandrena 0.5 in cupboard am waiting for ring back for the progesterone side of it am hoping for a miracle as my friends who are all on hrt sa6 their anxiety has been reduced lots

Hi Booroo,

I'm on 4 pumps of gel which I started beginning of december, everything went fine but then anxiety came back out of the blue and that seems to knock everything else off, so I really can relate to what you are going through.

What estrogen are you on? xx

[DottyD68]

CLKD,

Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear you are in a similar situation with family in a care home. I never appreciated how stressful it could be.

I wrote along a detailed reply to you but for some reason it hasn't posted. I don't know where it went.

Anyway just the process of replying to you has helped me a lot. I need a plan to help me to deal with my situation going forward. So thank you for helping me get to that point.

[DottyD68]

Booroo,

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I lost my father 19 years ago. I was a daddy's girl and miss him terribly, especially now with the situation with my mum. It doesn't help my husband's parents living 4-5 hours away from any family member and them both being in very poor health but refusing to get any formal support network in place. It just adds to the stress and worry.

I am hopeful once we get past this holiday period things will calm down a little. I know I need to actively manage these external stressors that add to anxieties caused by my hormones.

Look after yourself. You're not alone. x

[CLKD]

Don't fret over your parents-in-law.  Do they attend a Church Group?  Have hobbies?  Is there a GP Practice in their village/town.  If so, contact each group, put the problems forwards and also suggest that they have friends in that area.  If the GP is made aware that's half the battle.  MayB an e-mail to the Surgery.

Also have a lookC at local Nursing homes in their areas - do choose somewhere with 24/7 nursing care, to lessen the chance that a relative will require moving if the 'care' home can't cope.  It can be traumatic for the elderly to move when they are used to a routine!

It is their choice, whether or not to accept help.  Many of us find this attitude with the elderly.  They are used to how they feel and cope etc..  What onlookers see is probably their projection, no where near how the elderly actually cope.  If they are danger of falling, your husband can ask Social Services to do a free check of the property to see whether they require aids etc.; and there is a Falls Team who can give advice.  Whether they would agree to the suggestion ........... the way to approach might be to "Our friends next door have suddenly aged, so have decided to have specific aids around the bathroom, loo and stairs.  What would you advise friends in a similar position?"  If we go in making obvious suggestions, it's a bit like teens: hooves will be planted.  Hard!

We do have a thread somewhere 'looking after the elderly' I think it's called. 

[DottyD68]

We try not to fret but it is difficult.

They used to live less than an hour from both us and one of their other children, before they moved to the bottom of the country 25 years ago. They live on the edge of a small village on a busy lane with no pavement. Their mobility is poor so they are effectively trapped unless someone gives them a lift as they have no transport. They have not built up a real network of friends as they are quite dis-engaged though my M-I-L is in a couple of ladies groups and there is one couple who they rely on for pretty much everything which I don't think is fair. They also have a helpful neighbour who they view as "unreliable".

My F-I-L has advanced cancer and to be honest this time last year we thought his time was up. He suffers with anxiety and does not really trust anyone other than family to take him to his hospital appointments (a 500 mile round trip for us). My M-I-L became his carer over a year ago. He is aware he is incredibly demanding but does not want anyone else to care for him which I can kind of understand. Unfortunately this has taken a huge toll on my M-I-L and her own health is suffering (very high unmanaged BP amongst other things) but she will not consider any form of help or respite. We have done all the research for carers and given it to her but she refuses to progress it. Her GP has told her the same and she has ignored the advice. There are 4 children and we have all tried different approaches for over a year now. They are not the sort of people who you would override and still consider their offspring who are in their 50s and 60s to be children.

They have had a social services assessment and various rails etc fitted but have refused to have a much-needed carers assessment.

I appreciate that they are of an age of "just getting on with it" but we get regular updates on their conditions and medical appointments so it's like a drip drip effect all the time. They are resolved to take one day at a time (miserably) rather than trying to improve their situation. They tell us about all the things that need doing in the house and garden that they can no longer do, but they do not consider outsourcing these tasks.

So it's just frustrating. We are trying to alleviate the expected crisis and get support in place as we know we will have to drop everything and get down there when something happens.

Latterly we have taken the "leave them to it" approach but that is not as easy as it sounds in a caring family. It's just another layer of external stress to add to the other stuff, which I need to find a way of managing.

[CLKD]

which I don't think is fair.  Sometimes those around our aging parents are those that should take a role in the caring.  Mum had a high profile in the village where we grew up and despite her "I don't want 2 B a nuisance attitude" when talking with us, in fact she reached out when necessary. And the help was there. 

So your MinL has the details.  It is her decision not to take it up.  You do not have to 'drop everything', you phone their local GP or Ambulance service: and let them sort it with the help of those who step up when necessary. It's what I had to do eventually when Mum phoned numerous times ....... moaning.  When she wouldn't take 'it' from me, I would phone her GP or the Vicar ........ she would then rant at me "How dare you!"  Well Mum I dare and will keep doing so until you take responsibility.  She hated me saying that "DH is the most important person in my Life" ;-).  After 3 such events she stopped phoning me ;-).

Trouble is psychologically when we return to the family home, what ever that family issues were/are, we revert to being 'children'.  Obeying the lain down rules of the household.  For a quiet Life, probably.  Parents never stop thinking of children as 'not knowing enough'  as well as pushing buttons through out our lives. How much discussion is between the 4 siblings?

Once you know the support that is available where they live: and have those phone numbers or e-mail addresses to hand: next time you can activate what is necessary but from a distance.   It does get easier the more you 'put on' people close to them.  It may surprise you how many people they do know but never admit to!

This has deviated somewhat  - what was the question again 

[DottyD68]

Agreed, I think that those around them should share the load. Unfortunately there arent many other people around them because they haven't built relationships. The reason "I don't think it is fair" is that the load is on one particular couple who have had their own health issues and aren't always available, at which point my in-laws struggle even more. My F-I-L can be very difficult, demanding and transfers his stress onto everyone so sadly there aren't (m)any other willing volunteers.

My mum lived in the same village for nearly 70 years, was very sociable and a key member of the community. She had built a huge network of friends and neighbours who she supported and conversely regularly called on before Covid and her diagnosis. My parents and my in-laws are very different personalities.

In my recent experience it has been easier to over ride my own parents in these matters. Less so the in-laws. Depends on the relationship I suppose.

You are right, in the immediate event of a crisis they will phone for an Ambulance as they have done several times in the past year. It's during the aftermath that they need support. I dont believe its fair to rely on the same couple to provide transport for hospital visits on a daily basis for weeks on end. They have their own life and issues. My in-laws wouldnt dream of using a taxi or even hospital transport.

Like you say my M-I-L has all the info and it's her decision not to use it. Maybe because I have been so frazzled with my own mum I have not been dealing with their situation very well. So I will try to leave them to it.

Anyway, apologies Booroo for side-tracking your thread. Hope you get some more responses. X

[CLKD]

So now have different issues which cripple me, I have had really bad anxiety this last week but it’s the racing heart and shakes and I get this horrible morning thing like that before I get up.

Have panic attacks in night at times,have started cbt and doing calm app am trying to ask for hrt is this all normal?! Had ecg a while ago was all ok.

Course kept checking my Apple Watch for heart rate not good idea with anxiety?

Morning BooBo.  We got carried away as many issues cause anxiety levels to rise. 

How have you been this week?  MayB have a look at your overall diet as well as when you eat/drink.  When the body needs energy it can go into the shakes!  I tremble every morning B4 my breakfast kicks in. 

Anxiety levels can rise with peri-menopause.  Hormones are doing their own thing - rising and falling when least expected.  That cortisol waking hormone was my bugbear  .  Also not eating 'correctly' at the right times.  Any activity out of 'normal' would cause anxiety and shaking.  Panic attacks were the norm, when they began happening at home I was floored.  Literally. 

My GP prescribed betablockas to take at night to ease anxiety surges which really helped.  I have an emergency anti-anxiety pill to swallow which either enables me or sends me to sleep so that my body calms.  I did have relaxation therapy tapes but finding time to listen was a problem 4 me.

Do U keep a mood/food/symptom diary to chart progress?  Let us know how you R getting on. 

[Booroo]

So now have different issues which cripple me, I have had really bad anxiety this last week but it’s the racing heart and shakes and I get this horrible morning thing like that before I get up.

Have panic attacks in night at times,have started cbt and doing calm app am trying to ask for hrt is this all normal?! Had ecg a while ago was all ok.

Course kept checking my Apple Watch for heart rate not good idea with anxiety?

Morning BooBo.  We got carried away as many issues cause anxiety levels to rise. 

How have you been this week?  MayB have a look at your overall diet as well as when you eat/drink.  When the body needs energy it can go into the shakes!  I tremble every morning B4 my breakfast kicks in. 

Anxiety levels can rise with peri-menopause.  Hormones are doing their own thing - rising and falling when least expected.  That cortisol waking hormone was my bugbear  .  Also not eating 'correctly' at the right times.  Any activity out of 'normal' would cause anxiety and shaking.  Panic attacks were the norm, when they began happening at home I was floored.  Literally. 

My GP prescribed betablockas to take at night to ease anxiety surges which really helped.  I have an emergency anti-anxiety pill to swallow which either enables me or sends me to sleep so that my body calms.  I did have relaxation therapy tapes but finding time to listen was a problem 4 me.

Do U keep a mood/food/symptom diary to chart progress?  Let us know how you R getting on.

Have appointment with menopause specialist in couple of weeks and spoke to mental health doctor,lots of crying from me got lots off my chest and have plans in place to help me get through this shit time.
Slept like a log last night but woke up with bloody headache! Cant win and yes will keep posting

[CLKD]

Headaches can be caused by a Very Good Cry, or by the body not being well hydrated.  So drink plenty of water - the 1st P of the day is likely to be dark and sometimes smelly.  As we go through the day the urine should be straw coloured: any lighter and we are drinking too much.  Remembering that liquids are taken from foods too. 

I found that venting into a Journal that no one has access to really helped ;-).  Letting my feelings flow.  Got it out of my brain and away!

If Nature didn't want us to cry She wouldn't have given us feelings ;-). 

[Flossieteacake]

So now have different issues which cripple me, I have had really bad anxiety this last week but it’s the racing heart and shakes and I get this horrible morning thing like that before I get up.

Have panic attacks in night at times,have started cbt and doing calm app am trying to ask for hrt is this all normal?! Had ecg a while ago was all ok.

Course kept checking my Apple Watch for heart rate not good idea with anxiety?

Morning BooBo.  We got carried away as many issues cause anxiety levels to rise. 

How have you been this week?  MayB have a look at your overall diet as well as when you eat/drink.  When the body needs energy it can go into the shakes!  I tremble every morning B4 my breakfast kicks in. 

Anxiety levels can rise with peri-menopause.  Hormones are doing their own thing - rising and falling when least expected.  That cortisol waking hormone was my bugbear  .  Also not eating 'correctly' at the right times.  Any activity out of 'normal' would cause anxiety and shaking.  Panic attacks were the norm, when they began happening at home I was floored.  Literally. 

My GP prescribed betablockas to take at night to ease anxiety surges which really helped.  I have an emergency anti-anxiety pill to swallow which either enables me or sends me to sleep so that my body calms.  I did have relaxation therapy tapes but finding time to listen was a problem 4 me.

Do U keep a mood/food/symptom diary to chart progress?  Let us know how you R getting on.

Have appointment with menopause specialist in couple of weeks and spoke to mental health doctor,lots of crying from me got lots off my chest and have plans in place to help me get through this shit time.
Slept like a log last night but woke up with bloody headache! Cant win and yes will keep posting

I am so pleased you spoke to a MH DR and they were helpful. It is such a difficult time for you and it is good you are getting support.

[CLKD]

This is a difficult time of year ..........