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[jessieblue]

Hi again and sorry to keep posting.  My anxiety is off the scale and daily something happens that terrifies me.

I am scared about bowel cancer.  Since having campylobacter 9 months ago I have been bowel obsessed.  I have had mostly looser stools since then which worried me in case I was getting sick again, but was regular and generally ok.  I started amitriptyline about 4 months ago and since upping my dose a couple of weeks ago I have been more constipated.  I have only gone to 15mg nightly and not sure if this could cause constipation. 

I get really scared I have a bowel blockage.  I have rectocele and so have to use squatty potty and splint, and when I am constipated I bleed from I think, a tear and piles.  I can see and feel it.

I can not have a colonoscopy and I hope you will understand that this is not an option due to my anxiety but also my phobia of vomiting and now diarrhea.  I cannot give myself the symptoms that have left me in such a mess since having campylobacter.  So I paid for a Pelvic and abdominal CT scan a few months ago to look for anything sinister, but all was reported as normal.  Trouble is my mind won't accept that and i just cannot get this fear out of my mind.

I am not sure what I am asking really.  I just feel so desperate and alone.  I started trauma therapy yesterday and had the worst panic attack when I got there.  I am honestly scared for my life at the moment because of the state of my mental health.  I have tried so hard to overcome this terrible fear, but I can't.  I am living in terror of my body everyday and I don't want to do this anymore.

Thanks for reading.  I know this group is a safe place to come and it helped me to write all this out, but what the hell am I going to do?? xx

[Gnatty]

Hello Jessieblue. I really feel for you, right now you are mentally in a very upsetting scary place, such that you are no longer able to think rationally and logically. You need someone to be able to do this for you for a little while. Can your husband get you to the gp, do you feel that you could go if he came with you? How you are feeling reminds me very much of myself a year ago. Hopefully your GP will be able to help you in the same way mine did. I had for a short period of time some fast acting anti anxiety meds to take whilst an anti depressant started kicking in. I had immediate respite and slowly slowly started to heal so that I was able to make wise and sensible decisions for myself. I am a long way from that broken woman now  -  allow that to give you hope that you can be mended too. Please please don't suffer any more like this. We are here for you, right here and you can PM any time you like. You are not alone.

[VanillaLover]

Hi, really sorry to hear that you are struggling. I agree with PP, this can absolutely get better. Have you been to GP recently? Have you ever had CBT for the health anxiety ….are you taking other anti depressants/anti anxiety besides the amytriptaline?

I have had depression and anxiety on and off for 15 years. Recently come out of Intensive CBT and started a new antidepressant, which have both helped me enormously.


Bear in mind that if you are anxious and stressed it can affect your bowels ….for me it’s a very strong link!

I would avoid any more reassurance seeking type behaviours (more scans etc) as they actually reinforce the health anxiety and don’t help. You have to learn to live with these thoughts and not try to reassure yourself all of the time. It’s hard! Instead concentrate on getting the anxiety under control little by little via medication and CBT or other therapy. Sounds like you are already on the road to this!

You can get better from this type of thing ….I have several times.

VL x

[ElkWarning]

Hiya

Well, you put it into words and reached out, that's massive, a giant step in your healing journey.

I've been in weekly trauma therapy for 3 years. It's helpful and has made a difference to my life. I remember asking my therapist early on what you called a phobia of yourself ... I don't feel like that any more ...

The bowel thing. My GP was great and coordinated with the clinic for digestive diseases to make sure the colonoscopy appointments were (kind of) manageable for me. I was able to see a nutritionist, a psychiatrist and select appropriate pre and post operative therapeutic treatments, as well as opt for the most appropriate anaesthetic / pain relief related to the procedure and its preparations. In other words, my needs were taken seriously and I was not rushed along. This helped me engage. For me, they did find something, it was all tested, and I was given the all clear after two separate procedures with treatment. The treatment worked and provided a huge quality of life bump - I'd been struggling before, including with a phobia of d and v.

It's hard and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Sheri]

I'm really sorry to hear your struggling.
Please get in touch with your GP they will hopefully be understanding & help you. Can you speak to a family member or friend who can talk you down & maybe get you out of the house & keep your mind occupied for abit.
The thing about anxiety is that it plays tricks on us. It convinces us that what we're feeling is right, but anxiety lies.
Please don't reinforce the anxiety by seeking & looking for evidence you do not have bowel cancer as the compulsion will get worse as you feed the anxiety. Trust me, i have been where you are. Not so much with the health anxiety but with the seeking & needing validation & evidence that I'm ok.
I actually forbid myself any checking now & slowly the urge gets easier to avoid.
I hope you find a way to calm your mind & get the help you need.

[jessieblue]

Thank you all for such lovely replies.  It is a comfort to know others have been in similar situations and come through the other side. 

I have been back and forth to the GP even saw a lovely private GP, but nothing seems to help.  I am just starting therapy but have already tried various different things such as EMDR and couselling and hypnotherapy.  I just dont seem to be able to pull myself out of it this time.  I will continue in therapy and hope something shifts.  I feel there is this physical problem, which my husband and probably the doctors think is mostly my health anxiety and for sure I think that blurrs things.  I know my mind will not be satisfied until I know whether I have bowel cancer or not, but then I am equally terrified about getting a bug.  So I remain in this state of terror everyday which I know is somewhat irrational.  However my nervous system is ramped so high.

My husband tries to be supportive but he finds it all very frustrating.  He is at work mostly and so I am alone in the house 14 hours a day.  I really do feel like I need someone to take some leadership as I feel so confused and bewildered.

Vanillalover, I am not taking any other antidepressants.  I tried mirtazipine but it didnt suit me and I am usually very sensitive to meds.  So they put me back on amitriptyline as that worked well for me a few years ago and I am comfortable taking it.  I am trying to increase the dose a bit, but now worried it is causing this constipation.  I have had CBT in the past and just about to start it again.  I hope it can help, along with EMDR trauma therapy.  I know the constant getting tests fuels the anxiety and I feel caught up in this cycle.  When I try not to look for reassurance my symptoms seem to ramp up and I feel in imminent danger like I do today.

It is so hard to see a doctor now and all they have done is give me more amitriptyline and tell me to up the dose.

Thanks for listening everyone. xx

[Gnatty]

Just another quick thought - have you tried a low level beta blocker to take in the morning? This will take away the physical symptoms of fear; the adrenalin coursing through you. It might give you a bit of respite. X

[Sheri]

My psychol told me the anxiety/ocd (checking for reassurance) is a cycle. Its basically feeling the fear/anxiety - you seek reassurance - feel a relief - fear/anxiety comes back stronger - you seek more reassurance - anxiety gets stronger etc
I totally get where your coming from in seeking reassurance that you don't have cancer but i say with kindness, once you've had your tests & they come back ok, it won't belong before the need for more tests to satisfy your need to know you don't have cancer rises again.
You say your in the house for 14 hrs a day alone.  Could you go out to meet friends? Join a meeting club? Wak? Anything to take your mind off things.
CBT worked for me as did exposure therapy which is being exposed to your worst fears & coping with it obvs with the help of a psychol.
There is help out there but you need to get it. Which can be difficult as the NHS is stretched & mental health services are buckling under the pressure.
I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. And if you are constipated, try laxido. I take it daily after i had a faecal impaction. Its gentle but effective.

[Lyncola]

Sorry you are going through this, I am on amitriptyline 100mg (for facial pains and headaches). The amitriptyline she help with your mood and hopefully anxiety. I know myself I’m feeling so much better then this time last year. I feel like my normal self.
I also have bowels problems and I am seeing a surgeon every three months. My bowls are the opposite to you they are runny. I have a very high fibre diet and take Metamucil every day as I have a fissure.
I bleed every so often and pooping is like I’m pushing out glass. My doctor is not concerned as I had a colonoscopy January last year. It’s mr third colonoscopy and I’m 47 (so three in the last 7 years).
If you have any questions about colonoscopy, I’m happy to answer. I would say the worst thing about a colonoscopy is drinking the medication and going to the toilet every 5 minutes. But the procedure is easy, they put you to sleep, next thing you know you’re waking up, and have no pain at all.
I would recommend seeing your doctor and let them look at your bottom. After many years of piles internal and external and fissure, they can tell just by looking that where the bleeding is coming from. And remember if the blood is bright red and is in the toilet paper as you wipe, or along one side of your poop it’s will be from piles or fissure’s. And yes you can fart blood, I’ve done this a couple of times.
I hope amitriptyline will give you the peace you need

[CLKD]

Anxiety is self fulfilling.

My bowels play up often  .  Either slow transit where I feel the need to empty but nowt happens  : I go back and forth to the loo a lot.  Eventually ......... I find that adding home grown fruit to my muesli 'does it'.  I feel completely empty about once a week  .  Other times I feel the 'need to go' all the while.

If you have something 'dangerous' jessieblue, hopefully the Hospital would have called you back to discuss.   Also, if the condition hasn't altered in 3 months, it is unlikely that there is anything growing or untoward.

Feeling constipated can impact throughout the body from in my experience, below the waist.  It also makes me queasy. 

What have you tried in the way of over the counter bowel relief?  MayB have a chat with the pharmacist. 

[jessieblue]

Sheri, I definitely recognise that cycle and I am aware I am doing it.  It is so hard because my mind is shouting so loud that I need to do something now. It is health anxiety I know, but I am always wondering if its something else as well.

CKLD you described perfectly what I go through every day.  I am either not going at all or going too much and I get the feeling of needing to go when I really don't, or its just gas.  Sometimes a do qo a few times and this scares me in case I am getting diarrhea again.  I basically think about my bowels all day every day and it is rediculous I know.  I do take some metamucil and watermelon with bran etc if I am constipated and then the next day I worry about being too loose.

It helps knowing I am not the only one.

Thank you everyone, I have taken on board all your comments. xx

[CLKD]

Think of it as 'normal for you' at this moment. 

Will you get a referral back to talk about this with the Hospital?  Bran isn't always the kindest thing to eat for the gut, it was highly recommended in the 1970s/80s.  I would prefer when necessary to use something recommended from the Pharmacist. 

What's the worst that could happen?  Would that not know be evident? 

What I hate is the sudden rush which leaves me weak and nauseous  .  I use LIVE Yoghurt to help my digestive tract, mixed with my muesli at breakfast.  Think too about how much you drink every 24 hours because that may trigger 'the runs'. 

[jessieblue]

CLKD I appreciate your comments.  It makes me feel so much better.  A friend said to me today "I have known you 5 years and you have been worried about your bowels all that time...."  and she is right.  This feels so much worse since the horrible month long campylobacter infection I had last October.  I seem to have some form of PTSD whereby every day nI believe I am coming down with that bug again and I get sensations of needing to go even when I don't.  I only relax in the evening where I seem to return to some normality.  If its not that it is worrying it is bowel cancer.. I am obsessing, I know.

I have always had a sensitive gut, my whole life.  I have just really latched on to this bug thing because my emetophobia is severly triggered around bugs.

Ugh, why is it so complicated?

Thank you for your support and everyone else. xx

[joziel]

jessieblue, I'm sooo sorry you're going through this. I also get health anxiety and end up in a complete mess. For me, there are elements of 'reality' in there and then there are things I just freak out about because I am ultra-focussed on my body.

It is hard to know when to get the tests done (in case those can reassure you and you can move on) and when to resist the urge to keep investigating because of 'health anxiety'.

There is a test you can have run on your poo, which checks for blood in it - faecal occult blood test (or something). You just collect some of your poop at home and submit it. You probably want to make sure you are not bleeding from your fissure or piles at the time (both of which I get intermittently too, BTW!). If that comes back negative, it might reassure you?

I have been so anxious about my health in the past, when I went through what I now refer to as 'the endo mess'. I was anxious about my endo symptoms but then I seemed to get all these other symptoms which were nothing to do with endo - night sweats, heart palpitations, lower back pain - I even worried I felt something in my breast. I just couldn't shake the feeling there was something wrong and I needed to find it. I think for me, it was because my endo didn't show up on scans or tests (as it often doesn't) and it wasn't just when I had my period, I also had weird pains throughout the month. So I got myself in a mess that there was some other undiagnosed thing wrong with me and it wasn't endo... Part of the reason I had my lap surgery for endo was really just so someone could take a look and I could get on with my life and stop looking for something else.

The thing is, I was so anxious at the time I would wake like someone had injected me with adrenaline in the morning - this shot of pure cortisol. My poop was often sloppy and runny just from the stress and food just went right through me. I was losing weight even though I was eating ridiculous amounts - I mean - I would go to Gourmet Burger Kitchen and eat a massive burger and chips, and a chocolate milk shake - and I would lose weight!!! Of course 'unexplained weight loss' is also a symptom of terrifying things, so the fact I was losing weight only freaked me out even more. It was an awful time for me, so I really feel for you.

I had ECGs for the heart palps (this was 8 years ago); I had a rectal MRI and a flexi-sigmoidoscopy; endless bloods; ultrasound on my breast at the breast clinic; MRI on my lower back; endless chiros and osteopaths - but for me, it was just that I knew there was something wrong and no scans or tests could find the cause of it... until I had my laparoscopy. When I had the lap and they found endo, I was just so relieved that I had an explanation and as I recovered from surgery, I felt my anxiety dissipating as well and the whole awful time passed. I kinda knew 'I am having this surgery not because of unbearable pain [because it never was unbearable] but to get a diagnosis and move on'. Which sometimes felt a bit OTT, but I had to do it.

One thing I have found which really helps, is this app you can download from the app store called 'Curable'. There is loads you can access for free on it, and I then paid to access all of it because it was so useful.

[VanillaLover]

I would second be careful with the bran ! I have no bowel problems (though anxiety does make me loose!) but I cannot stomach bran at all. Pity cos I love bran flakes, fruit n fibre, and all bran. If I have those I will be on the toilet all the next day.

You poor thing. I think really good quality CBT is the way forward for you. I know you’ve had it before, I have too but the third time was much longer and the style had changed a lot from when I first had it fifteen years ago too. It really helped me. But it is hard work, as I’m sure you know,