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[KaraShannon]

Hi all, I'm having one of those days again.  I get them every so often.  I'm working from home today but to be honest, I've just worked at eating chocolate. 

My mother had an argument with me yesterday, whatever I offer to support her, she seems to want ten times as much.  I've no idea what she's capable of anymore as she seems to have decided that she should be looked after now she's 74.  She doesn't have dementia and she's mobile, although not that fit and she does have one kidney issue.  She told me she'd take herself to the hospital today for an eye check up, and I told her that's fine, but it's horrible because I could easily have driven her.

My point here is the argument (though I didn't argue) has completely drained me, I came home from her's yesterday and just lay on the couch and today, even if I took the day off, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. 

I think hormones are probably affecting me too, I'm on evorel sequi and today is oestrogen patch again, so hopefully I will lift up, but feel pretty rubbish right now. 

Anyone get these days?  I have hashimoto's (thyroid issues) as well which doesn't help but I'm usually ok

[Mindfulmoomins]

Yes I get those days. My stress resilience isn’t as good as it was even 6 months ago. It’s really hard but being gentle with ourselves on those days is so important.

Working at eating chocolate sounds like exactly what you need!

Take care and go gently xxx

[CLKD]

Let your Mum do what she needs to do.  74 is young.  Was her getting to the Hospital the issue?

Mine wouldn't accept help even when offered, then moan about the waiting at the bus stop etc. 

Once a week we need to practice opening that chocolate wrapper  .  The next day, practising how to enjoy what's behind the wrapper ? 

'stress resilience' - good phrase!

[sheila99]

I get them too. When I feel OK there isn't much that bothers me. When I don't the smallest things seem to get magnified out of all proportion.  Tomorrow you'll (probably) feel stronger and able to cope with it. Today eat the chocolate, have a hot bath, walk or anything else that relaxes you and try to forget the arguement.

[Wannabewell]

I get days like that too, like I am incapable of dealing with stressful situations yet on a much better day I deal with the same/similar situation(s) much more easily and can brush things off quicker .. yes, more resilient.

[CLKD]

I am determined not to 'take on' the amount I was previously doing!  Dashing from here to there .......... i.e. I am tired this morning, due to more busy distressing dreams  and was looking forwards to a lazy day watching MotoGP and pottering in the garden later.  Then DH suggested that we go here and there .......... which elevated my anxiety levels.  I am too tired to converse with others anyway, brain is still in bed 

It is easy to get into habits of pleasing others.

[Salad]

I have those days too, I call them my droopy days. I try and embrace them and do what I like doing eg chocolate eating, boxset watching.

Having an ageing parent is stressful. As CLKD says, 74 is still (relatively) young. Unless she has health issues, then it’s an age when your mum can still be independent.
Maybe paying for a Companion type carer to visit weekly would help. My mum had this service for about three years, despite not wanting it initially. The Companion would take my mum shopping and for a cup of tea afterwards. She also took mum for her appointments and later on, changed her bedding.

You might need to stand firm with what ‘care’ you are happy to do for your mum, it’s hard, but you have to consider your health and life too. 

[Obobal]

I really feel for you with the mother situation. I have a mum younger than yours by a good few years and she insists she’s ageing and will need more support soon (except she moved 200miles away and won’t move closer so expects me to up and move my family to look after her)

When your hormones are all whacked out and then you’re getting the added emotional blackmail and guilt tripping it just makes everything seem so pointless.  Your priority has to be your own mental  health, even if that means simply vegging out on your sofa eating chocolate all day. As others have said 74 isn’t necessarily ancient and of your mother is self sufficient then support her independence and teller how wonderful it is that she’s still so independent.

[CLKD]

Obobal - "expects" - mine could go shout !  So will you?  Move to suit her moods?  What if she then decides to move again  .  Make sure that you know which agencies are available within your Mum's area, then when she has a whinge, send her the details  .  Mine got into the habit of moaning on the 'phone about X, Y, Z , if she refused to go the GP but continued I would contact the GP who would then go round to see her  . Gosh, I must have had more energy in those days 

[possum]

I hear you. I feel like my capacity to be there for others — and just get stuff done generally— has really diminished and I absolutely blame hormones.

[KaraShannon]

Let your Mum do what she needs to do.  74 is young.  Was her getting to the Hospital the issue?

Mine wouldn't accept help even when offered, then moan about the waiting at the bus stop etc. 

Once a week we need to practice opening that chocolate wrapper  .  The next day, practising how to enjoy what's behind the wrapper ? 

'stress resilience' - good phrase!

CLKD, it went from bad to worse    I didn't call her or speak to her, I was absolutely wiped out so I didn't even reply here, I had no energy whatsoever and it went on for a week or two, could have been I was in contact with covid, I don't know, no symptoms, but just wondering because of being so wiped out.

Anyway, my mother did a marathon (for her), walked to the bus station, got the bus, walked from bus to hospital, walked around the hospital, back out of the hospital and up a steep hill to the bus, back home on the bus, off at the bus station and then a walk home.  She did all that rather than call and make peace.  If you think she only walks about ten yards at the moment and then hops in my car for everything (the ten yards will be from the car to a coffee shop, but not any other shop as she's quite happy for me to go in those while she waits in the car  ). 

I found out about her adventure 3 days later when she decided to talk.  Strangely she walked the next day into town (ten mins) to go to the pharmacy and then again the following day before deciding she was thoroughly knackered and had better speak to me after all.

I am not one of those controlling people, I want her to be independent and do her own thing, etc, but she seems to be continually manouvreing (can't spell) to put me into leader role and her follower.  She also seems to want me to step into my dad's shoes and 'be' her husband.  She won't call the rest of her family (many siblings) and unfortunately one of them doesn't seem to want her to call anyway, even though they were a close family.  She says they are not 'her's' whereas her husband (now deceased) and her daughter are.  Hence what I'm up against.  I'm just an extension of 'her' life in her mind.

Sorry to go on 

[KaraShannon]

Thanks everyone for replying, I've read every post properly, I'm wiped out so much these days that I may not respond personally always, but I am taking it all in. 

[KaraShannon]

It is easy to get into habits of pleasing others.

it is, I've spent the whole weekend with my mother, her batteries should be well and truly topped up now to allow her to 'run' for a few days by herself, but I know that's not the case.  She will want me there today and because I'm feeling below par and won't get much work done, sometimes I think i should just go there and give her an extra 'top up' but the problem is she's not holding charge.