Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Leigh M]

Hi all.
So I am really suffering at the moment.
My mum died very suddenly 5 weeks ago, I was not expecting it at all. I am expereiencing the worst grief ever and have just had to give up the Masters MSc course I was studying as a result because I cannot focus at all. I am sobbing my heart out daily. I am an only child and there's no other family, I live on my own so it's very intense.
Alongside this I have big fat fibroids which cause bladder frequency and I am surely prei menopausal.

Since mum going all my symptoms have ramped up big time.
In the mornings I am anxious, have strong heart rythym (this has been checked byt trips to A+E in the past).Plus I have pain that moves around in my chest which is pretty much always there in varying degrees of intensity, sometimes it sits very strong around my sternum and across the midline, other times it's in my armpits and twitching around the left side.
I am finding all of this very anxiety inducing. Oh, there is also nausea at times.
It's incredibly tough to be going through the loss of my little mamma at this time. I sat by her bedside on a covid ward for 4 days before she died, wrapped up in heavy PPE. (Her official cause of death was pnuemonia not covid). I had been looking after her more and more the past few years, particularly this past year and saw her every week. She was my bubble and now she's gone.
I am not on any medication.
I guess I could do with some words of support really. Thanks. L

[RebJT]

Hello there

God bless you, I am so very sorry, this sounds terribly, terribly hard.  Grief is all encompassing, a whole body event.  First things first, you are not 'wrong' or crazy or feeling anything odd or weird here, your response is totally normal, it's a huge loss, and at a time when all other normal rituals are curtailed, it sounds very traumatic indeed and I admire you reaching out here.

Two things to add - do you think you might be experiencing trauma, as in post traumatic stress?  This can be a whole body experience, it's very intense and we can get stuck in a bit of a loop.  There are some good resources online, gentle things, like Somatic Experiencing and the work of Peter Levine and Bessel Van Der Kolk, it's not (contrary to popular opinion) a 'disorder' but a normal survival response to abnormal and overwhelming events.  Even just listening to people describe trauma in a gentle accessible way might help just 'frame' what's happening and help you contexualise the fear?  Personally I'd stay away from the psychiatric, pathologising nonsense about trauma, and just see if you can find some stuff that resonates with you.  The Somatic model draws a lot from what we know about animals and fight, flight and freeze.  That helped me a great deal to understand what was happening to me.  Anything grounding that helps steady our breath and body might help, say yoga for trauma (videos on youtube) or gentle guided meditation?

Second, how is your iron (another soap box of mine, I had another thread on this).  I'm assuming you have heavy bleeding?  I'd imagine you are suffering iron deficiency, at the best of times this can make you feel utterly crackers, it's very, very, very distressing and really terribly misunderstood in primary care.  I just had an iron infusion privately, I feel SO MUCH better after suffering months of catastrophic symptoms, truly awful and frightening.  These might help, good explanation of symptoms here https://www.oatext.com/iron-deficiency-without-anemia-common-important-neglected.php and this is also very helpful, note the key levels https://theironclinic.com/ironc/wp/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Patient-information-for-iron-infusion.pdf

I appreciate you are very much struggling right now but can you get copies of your blood results?  Or get your GP to at least check your ferritin and full blood count and post here, happy to talk you through it? 

Are you under a gynae for the fibroids?  You need looking after!  You deserve to be cared for and looked after too so I really hope there is a specialist keeping an eye on you.

Really hard to focus I realise, but a book that helped me after a sudden death was 'All in the End is Harvest' and Cruse bereavment care were also a godsend (my boyfriend was killed in a car accident many years ago, totally knocked me off my feet), they might have a helpline through lockdown.  Or if you are spiritual (or even if you aren't) your local church might be a help.  I'm not remotely religious but I have a very good friendship with a benedictine nun, she was such a help to me through a difficult time, much as the modern fashion is to scoff at all that stuff, I found it so consoling, she never tried to 'convert' me, she just seemed to 'get' the immense suffering I was going through.

Keep posting, we're here.

Lots of love

Reb
x

[sheila99]

I am so very sorry about your mum. It's completely normal to be floored by something like this and even worse at this time when you can't see your friends. I would also encourage you to contact cruse, I've heard good things about them. Are you able to sleep? Everything is so much worse when you can't. It might be a an idea to see your gp. Hrt may help but also an antidepressant or sleeping pills just to help you over the initial period of grief. Do take care of yourself. 

[KaraShannon]

So sorry Leigh M.  This is a terrible shock and grief and trauma like this cannot be contained.  Deep breaths.  Be very gentle with yourself at all times, even when you're feeling stronger.  I am so sorry about your Mum and so sorry for you that you are feeling so alone and anxious, as well as grieving.  I lost my dad suddenly some years back and I got lots of chest pain and heart issues.  They turned out to be hormonal but the doctors kept dismissing them as stress.  One thing that was very helpful was to speak to an understanding GP, who told me the type of chest pains to be concerned about and the ones that are not usually serious.  As you can probably imagine, every twinge I was worried about, so this helped me distinguish. One step at a time, often one minute at a time.  Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[Cookie25]

Hi Leigh
I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you are suffering. Such a sad time for you, sending you hugs.
Please reach out to some of the support systems, your gp, cruse or the samaritans. Remember there are helplines available 24/7 when your gp are shut. Dont wait to get help as it sounds like you are alone and struggling.
Reach out and let us know how you're doing
Xxxxx

[Ellen May]

Hello,

I am so very sorry for your loss. My mum died in an accident nearly 5 years ago and the pain and grief were too much to cope with at times. I barely functioned with work and have scant recollection of events from around that time.

I found Cruse to be helpful as it allowed me an hour a week to cry with somebody who didn’t know me so I could do and say what I wanted without worrying what they will think. A few years later, when I was calmer, I did see a psychologist to help me deal with the trauma of losing mum but in the beginning Cruse was enough.

I have also joined Grief and a Cuppa on Facebook which I find helpful as everyone on there has been through loss and can relate to my feelings. We all grieve differently but there is a common understanding between us.

Try to take every day, or every moment as it comes and allowed yourself time to grieve, scream and cry when you need to and sleep when tired. Also, lean on others when help is offered whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or an offer of a cooked meal it will all help.

Sending love to you x

[Leigh M]

Hello. I am not sure how to reply properly or individualy, so will try this way.
Thank you all who have writen something to me, I really appreciate it.
I have just contacted cruse bereavement who have put me on a 16 week waiting list for some support.
I think I will need to call me GP again regarding the chest pain, as it's quite unpleasant. It's so hard as I have always felt well and healthy, these peri menopause symptoms are so alien to me, on top of loosing my mum. I will look at iron although fortunately the fibroids do not cause the typical heavy bleeding some have and a fairly  recent blood test showed everything was OK. I think in my whole body is feeling the trauma and no doubt this will push my already fluctuating hormones even more out of balance.
Thank you again everyone. Leigh

Hello there

God bless you, I am so very sorry, this sounds terribly, terribly hard.  Grief is all encompassing, a whole body event.  First things first, you are not 'wrong' or crazy or feeling anything odd or weird here, your response is totally normal, it's a huge loss, and at a time when all other normal rituals are curtailed, it sounds very traumatic indeed and I admire you reaching out here.

Two things to add - do you think you might be experiencing trauma, as in post traumatic stress?  This can be a whole body experience, it's very intense and we can get stuck in a bit of a loop.  There are some good resources online, gentle things, like Somatic Experiencing and the work of Peter Levine and Bessel Van Der Kolk, it's not (contrary to popular opinion) a 'disorder' but a normal survival response to abnormal and overwhelming events.  Even just listening to people describe trauma in a gentle accessible way might help just 'frame' what's happening and help you contexualise the fear?  Personally I'd stay away from the psychiatric, pathologising nonsense about trauma, and just see if you can find some stuff that resonates with you.  The Somatic model draws a lot from what we know about animals and fight, flight and freeze.  That helped me a great deal to understand what was happening to me.  Anything grounding that helps steady our breath and body might help, say yoga for trauma (videos on youtube) or gentle guided meditation?

Second, how is your iron (another soap box of mine, I had another thread on this).  I'm assuming you have heavy bleeding?  I'd imagine you are suffering iron deficiency, at the best of times this can make you feel utterly crackers, it's very, very, very distressing and really terribly misunderstood in primary care.  I just had an iron infusion privately, I feel SO MUCH better after suffering months of catastrophic symptoms, truly awful and frightening.  These might help, good explanation of symptoms here https://www.oatext.com/iron-deficiency-without-anemia-common-important-neglected.php and this is also very helpful, note the key levels https://theironclinic.com/ironc/wp/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Patient-information-for-iron-infusion.pdf

I appreciate you are very much struggling right now but can you get copies of your blood results?  Or get your GP to at least check your ferritin and full blood count and post here, happy to talk you through it? 

Are you under a gynae for the fibroids?  You need looking after!  You deserve to be cared for and looked after too so I really hope there is a specialist keeping an eye on you.

Really hard to focus I realise, but a book that helped me after a sudden death was 'All in the End is Harvest' and Cruse bereavment care were also a godsend (my boyfriend was killed in a car accident many years ago, totally knocked me off my feet), they might have a helpline through lockdown.  Or if you are spiritual (or even if you aren't) your local church might be a help.  I'm not remotely religious but I have a very good friendship with a benedictine nun, she was such a help to me through a difficult time, much as the modern fashion is to scoff at all that stuff, I found it so consoling, she never tried to 'convert' me, she just seemed to 'get' the immense suffering I was going through.

Keep posting, we're here.

Lots of love

Reb
x

[RebJT]

Hi Leigh

Lovely to hear from you, that's great about Cruse although 16 weeks feels like a long time.  Have you got friends you can talk to, who'll just listen and let you let it all out?  Your local hospice might also have some kind of support you can access, maybe a zoom group or something where you can connect with people in the same boat in the meantime?

Defo speak to your doctor, that sounds like a sensible plan particularly about the chest pain.

Most of all just try to be very gentle with yourself, you've had a horrible shock, on top of hormone havoc, gynae issues, lockdown etc etc etc, it's a lot for anyone to contend with.  Anything you can do to soothe yourself, and to keep on grounding yourself will help - watching a movie, soaking in the bath, going for a walk, borrowing a friend's dog and throwing a ball in the park, taking a nap when you are tired.  This is going to sound a bit bonkers, but I have cPTSD and when I'm really jingly jangly standing on the lawn in bare feet really helps, sort of brings me 'down to earth'!!  I was embarrassed about what the neighbours would think, but in the end I thought sod it!! Sounds obvious but try to eat too.

Keep us posted, lots of love to you,

Reb
x

[CLKD]

You should be able to defer your Course, your Tutor/mentor can tell you how to do this. 

   such a shock so take half an hour at a time, don't look too far ahead.  It can floor a person.  As suggested, CRUSE are very helpful, run 4 the bereaved by the bereaved.  MIND charity are also good for support.

Living alone won't help, you can however scream and shout, watch TV, sleep when you want without having to justify yourself.  What supportive friends do you have?  Is there a community group should you require it?

I think your anxiety etc. is to be expected, you've had a shock.  Don't be afraid to speak with your GP or Practice Nurse for advice and support.

[Postmeno3]

When you're ready, you might like to take a look at The Five Stages of Grief. It can be helpful to see the process in this way and understand why your reactions are as they are. Above all else, be kind to yourself in ways that don't judge or have any expectation. Keep everything as simple as you can. Be your own best friend! 💚

[alibeau]

Hello Leigh,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum and send much love and light to you.

I suffered a sudden and traumatic loss in 2019.  I was 46 and also Peri at the time.....

I felt I needed to reply to let you know that I suffered with the exact same symptoms, mine kicked in 3 weeks after the loss and I too ended up in A&E with my first anxiety attack (I did not know that's what it was at the time)... in the following months I suffred with terrible palpatations, nasty chest flutters, pains and pressures that moved around my whole chest, I was never without some type of chest symptom which was very scary.

I too had ECG's, ultrasound etc and all were ok.

I was prescibed beta blockers for a short spell but I found that although they helped steady my chest slightly, they made me even more conscious of my symtoms it that makes sense.

Accept any offers of help you receive, be kind to yourself, this is going to take a long time to come to terms with.  I still suffer off and on with my chest, I stil have pains that come and go and mysteriously move around but they are far less.  I don't truly know what is Peri related and what is grief.

Cry as much as you need to, try not to keep it inside.  We as a family received couselling but were not ready for it until a good while afterwards.  When I was strong eoungh I decided to read the book 'Finding Meaning' by David Kessler...

And finally I purchased the 'Calm' app which helped greatly at bedtime, I would listen to a sleep story which would help clear my mind of all the nasty stuff and I also listened to some of the meditations on there which again I found just gave my brain and body a bit of a rest, just for 10 minutes.....

If I can help in anyway please let me know, sending love and strength to you.

Ali x

[SaraC2773]

Hi Leigh,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this and send you a big hug.

It sounds like you’ve had some great advice from the forum already and it’s good to see you will be getting some support.

I think peri menopause is hard enough to deal with, without adding the loss of your dear mum into the equation. I am not surprised your struggling with anxiety and symptoms.

You just need to look after yourself as much as possible and take as much help/support as you need.

Definitely keep in touch with your GP , there are lots of different specialists they can put you in touch with that can offer support and guidance / talking therapy and it might be that you need a couple of different types to help at the moment.

Take Care
Sara

[alibeau]

Hi Leigh,

Just checking in to see how you are feeling?

Hope you are ok 

Ali x

[Annie0710]

Sorry for your loss
I lost both my parents suddenly, no illness and it’s such a shock x

[mandss]

So sorry to read your story. You are going through two major changes at once. Grief cannot be quantified, and everyday will feel different. But that is also how I describe my meno journey, no two days are the same. Do not put too much pressure on yourself. We are all hear to listen whenever you need us. Let me know if you want to look me up on Fb. I also agree with reading up on the kubler Ross theory on the stages of grief..its very interesting. look after yourself xxx