reaching out for hugs again ...
had premature menopause at 32-39 .... and went through whole infertility thing. Adopted successfully, a little 6 year old boy who is now 14.
From age 42 - 50 I was on Evorel patches, which actually were really great - I really liked them and they helped me feel human and broadly normal.
Anyway last Autumn I turned 50 and was INTENDING to very very gradually reduce the patches over one year, so i felt in control and then went into full menopause slowly and at the right times as my peer group.
But this coincided with the national shortage of HRT, so i was unable to get my lovely normal patches renewed. I was not happy about this, and I was given what was available at the time (not much choice) - some daily pills - which I hated and which just gave me flushes and horrible headaches for three solid weeks. So, I thought, why not bite the bullet and just go into menopause as I was already 50 and my normal patches were not available. So i reduced the pills to every other day, then every three days, and then nothing by December.
So, at first, light hot flushes every day, about 5 - 6. This was not ideal, but was ''OK''. I used to get a couple of night sweats too, but it was manageable .... but in the hot weather oh my goodness, trully unpleasant hot flashes, still about 6 per day.
cooler weather has improved this a bit.
The hot flashes are not more numerous, but they are more 'sickly' and feel highly irritating. They don't last very long, but they are nasty. Also I have had several night sweats with a dreadful rapid beating strong heartbeat where I feel shaky and shivery afterwards (not to mention moist!) which has panicked me. I have had a few other hot flashes with a rapid and strong heartbeat as well, and they unsettle me greatly for 5 mins and I can't hide them. I worry when I will get the next one, and keep thinking 'what if it's when I'm in a meeting, teaching a class, playing in my orchestra, when I'm in the dentist's chair where i cannot hide them and escape.....? [yes I know, overthinking it's true, but that's the nature of the panic, you worry about the next one all the time]
I was hoping that 8 months down the line without HRT I might be over the very worst .... but it does not feel like that. So sorry to moan, but i feel I have completely lost confidence. and feel the menopause has now gripped me in its clutches. I feel like I have a big sign over my head screaming RUBBISH MENOPAUSAL WOMAN. This has also coincided perfectly with an irritable teenage son going through the 'difficult years' and it is NOT pleasant let me tell you.
feeling really just fed up
And also nervous since because I am now 8 months WITHOUT HRT, I sort of feel i've come this far, I do not want to go back on it .... only to have to go through this 'cold turkey' again. In some ways, if i knew things would be improving soon, I'd be prepared to stick it out and just get through it ... Although HRT worked for me, I am loathe to go back on it because sooner or later there will be a time when I have to come off it, so I might as well do the cold turkey now.
but I've lost myself, I feel like I am nothing but a menopausal vessel.
