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[jaypo]

Unfortunately you can't interfere in their marriage,by the sounds of things,if you told her about his cheating ways she may say you?re lying,believe me I know the situation,my sister is also married to a total d#*k but I no longer get involved.Take care of your own mental health first and foremost,it's just not worth it xx

[getting_old]

As they say "you can chose your friends, but not your relatives". It sounds like your sister has a good idea what BIL is like, but for whatever reason either doesn't want to face up to it or is too embarrassed to admit that she does know but doesn't want to do anything about it.

Years ago I had a friend who would come running when she fell out with her partner. She would tell me what a dreadful person he was and how much she hated him, only to return to him and be blissfully happy a few days later. After the third time we drifted apart, and I knew she would never change as she seemed to love the drama.

She also hated that I wouldn't be drawn into criticising him. I'd once been told to never criticise someone's partner because when they get back together they share the bad things you said, and you are made to be the bad person.

Look after yourself Jeepers. You're a good person and you don't deserve to be involved in the drama that your sister has chosen, and probably enjoys. Focus on you and your daughter. Living well will be the best "revenge" on BIL

[Jeepers]

Hi all

Thank you for all your replies, which I have mulled over, and then slept on things.

Yes, my sister knows what he is like, and she has chosen to stick with him, no matter what, and that is her absolute right.  I never expected her to divorce him.. after all, she stuck by him after he was vile to my poor mum, they made out she was nasty, she stuck by him after he pinned their then 15 year old daughter to the wall by her throat (would you believe he is a teacher!!), I could go on, but no need.

Anyway, you are all absolutely right.  I feel for my sister, she is now stuck isolated with him (although he does obviously go out, but wont allow their son to see them??), and she is seriously ill.  But, its what she wants.

I need to stop him messing with my head and as you all say, live my life as best I can.  Stop waiting for her to see me, if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. 

Onwards, and hopefully upwards.

I feel so humbled that you have all taken the time to post on here to me, I am so lucky that there is an amazing bunch of women out there...

With love

Jeepers xxxxxxxxx

[jaypo]

Omg jeepers,are you a long lost sister? That is my BIL too,although he is not my sisters kids father but their step father,he physically abused them,used to beat her on occasions and yet that wasn't enough for her to leave him,apparently they prayed and god KEPT forgiving them  One Xmas day,I got a call from her,crying down the phone,oh please come get the kids ,pleeeease,so, I phoned my dad,he dropped everything,came got me and we drove over a hundred miles to get the kids,he sat in the car coz he would've killed this man, I got the kids,surprisingly the coward was hiding somewhere,kids were so upset but happy they were going to their nana,so,that was my Xmas ruined,my mums and my dads(he remarried) so 3 households all angry and upset,next day?phone call from my sister to my mum,oh,yes,everything is fine,he apologised,he's REALLY sorry
Sorry for the long post,it just brought it all back to me xx

[CLKD]

Two women each week die in the UK at the hands of husbands/partners/ex-partners.  However unless the woman chooses to leave ........

I am from a dysfunctional family.  From way back in my history on both sides.  I managed to gain insight over the years not to continue .  Had I gone on for a family it probably would have continued but I decided at age 8 that this World is not good enough for my kids.  That view never altered.  By the time I was 30 I could see that I would have parented in the way that I was raised.

You can now enjoy the Summer Jeepers.  Your sister has made her choices.  If your nephew is in a safe place, you have done your best.  One thing to consider is, should he turn up on your doorstep, would you take him in?  I rarely had contact with my sister for years as she, like Mum, has narcissistic tendencies.  She failed me many times so eventually I put down the 'phone .......... we hadn't met for 12 years until Dad died and again, have no need to be in touch physically.  When she dropped by 18 months ago we were civil to each other.

I don't need her in my Life.  I have all I need in my 4 walls ;-).  Little things still bother me but it's not about my sister any more.  Now my Mum, I could write a book 

[Jeepers]

I'm really sorry if I triggered horrible memories for you jaypo.  It seems like dysfunctional families are the norm doesn't it?  Those poor kids, what a terrible example to set the kids.  I finally left my abusive ex when I realised he was manipulating them.  It was so sad to see, and there is no way I would have put up with that, kids need protecting as they grow up. Are they okay?  My nephew doesn't like his dad.  In fact, a year ago, he "jokingly" said he dreams of patricide!

I think my sister is, and always has been terrified of being on her own, and puts up with everything because of that one thing.  She is an intelligent woman,  (she was always labelled "the clever one"). 

CLKD, I was hoping that we could be civil to each other, I never expected her to divorce the FW, but she wont have any of it.  I can say I tried, but as I said there is nothing more I can do now, other than get own with my own life.  I have fabulous daughters, a lovely boyfriend and a sassy cat.  Sweet!

Jeepers xx

[Two hoots]

A sassy cat 

I saw a dog out for a walk on Tuesday, well I say walk, it was a swagger, his/her walk said ?I'm gorgeous and I know it? looked like a gold colour cockapoo to me, I'd have brought it home with me in a second and I really don't want any pets 

[Barnacle]

My Cockerpoo thinks she's the mutt's nuts too. I have not got the heart to tell her that she looks like a Yeti and is in desperate need of a trim 

Jeepers, live your life and leave them to theirs. Sadly, as i know from bitter experience with one of my sisters, i can do nothing about her actions, only how i react to them. I think it is a lot more common than we think. Sending you a hug x

[jaypo]

It definitely is common,the kids are kind of ok jeepers,thanks for asking,although they have issues,one in her 40s would apologise to you,if YOU stepped on her foot,she'd be.......oh sorry for putting my foot under yours,she has no self worth but she's married now and has two kids of her own,who go nowhere near my sis or her still OH,the other one turned to comfort eating and at 5? 1? tall she weighed in at 30 stone until she got a gastric bypass,still speaks to her mum & step dad
But jeepers,you've just got to detach yourself from it,live your own life to the fullest 
Haha,my chihuahua swaggers,she thinks she could take on a Rottweiler and win 

[jillydoll]

Aww I love cockerpoo's. ...😉

[Padine11]

Have just read all of this thread and Jaypo, you did a wonderful thing and your nephew might not recognise it now, but he will be able to look back to this time and think ?yeah, there are good people in the world? I'm from a dysfunctional family, was physically abused by my father from about age 4 until I was 23, cut them all out of my life (dr's advice for my mental health) my mother (in name only) is now a lonely, badly off ?'s and ignored by favourite daughter+ only d-in-l. My husband and family were my saving grace at 18 and I have a wonderful family (plus fabulous d-in-l ). The basis for my mother+daughter's hatred is jealousy and cannot change their narcissistic ways. I look back on my life and can clearly remember very happy times with decent family, I'm not the perfect parent but I've tried hard to give my children the kind, loving Aww 🥰  life I didn't have. Jaypo, your daughter sounds a wonderful girl who loves you very much cos you love her so much - that will have shone through to your troubled nephew 
What you did with ?500 is classic! Well done you both for having the courage to tell s****y BiL ! Your conscience is clear. Hope you?re feeling better, stay safe.
     Padine xx

[Padine11]

Meant to say Jeepers sorry (and sorry Jaypo too)

[CLKD]

Lots of dysfunction around.  Some of it learnt.  Some of due to jealousy.  Some because people want to be in total control.

FinL was in Prisoner of War Camp under the Japs.  He never lifted a finger to anyone ...... was quietly persuasive ........ his elder son has a history of wife beating but she stayed and now they seem to rub along OK.  As long as she goes along with what he suggests.  She would like a pond but as it isn't his suggestion, he refuses to build one. Me, I would hire someone ;-). 

My husband is like his Dad: gentle, if he says anything it's profound.  He never wastes breath.  What bothers me doesn't even cross his mind to be bothered over  which can be really, really, annoying  .

Someone can only hurt you whilst you continue to allow them.  I have no guilt about walking away from my sister and have stepped back from Mum's narcissism.