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[Wobbles]

Or give in to husband's wishes just to stop the silent treatment from him.

Just feel like shit at the mo.

Wx

[CLKD]

Have you a tread already that I can refer to??

R U safe?

[Wobbles]

No thread to refer to CKLD - yes, I'm physically safe. He's not stupid enough to hit me - mentally his behaviour is very draining.

Wx

[CLKD]

What's the main problem?

Have you printed off 'help for husbands' from the Forum to hand over 

Do you feel ready for a change of circumstances? 

[Wobbles]

Yes, he's read the info and forgotten it. Pre-meno may be having an impact but is not the main cause of the current situation.

It's advice I need on a strange situation I find myself in.

We moved house last year from a property he liked but I didn't - it was rural without much in the way of work for me but great for him (he was the breadwinner and still is). We moved to a bigger town nearer my family. All fine until about 3 months ago when he said he 'hated the place and wish he'd never moved' and blamed me for it. He then told his mum this and she's offered to 'give him' some land on her property so he can build a house on it for us. I like his mum and sister and their family (they live in the same house) but I wouldn't want to be living that close to them and seeing them all the time. I need and like my own space and am concerned the relationship would crack. She won't just give us the land to sell or sell it herself and give us the money, she wants us to sell everything and build a house on it and stay there. Trouble is we can't afford to do this really - it won't be a dream home just what we can afford (smaller and within view of her house). I don't like the area at all, it's very rural, limited work and public transport and you have to drive everywhere (whereas we don't here). We'll have a quarter of our income as my husband is getting his pension next year. I have awful anxiety about driving and he isn't sympathetic and neither are his family. The stress of it is making my gastritis and mental health worse.

I thought our relationship was improving recently as he was being so nice to me but as soon as I said I didn't want to move this stopped and I am now getting the silent treatment (I've had this before when I've done something wrong or something he doesn't like). His mum and sister were not so friendly with me at our last visit recently so I know I'm the bad guy.

I've toyed with the idea of moving just to stop the sulks and silent treatment but I just don't want to live that close to my in-laws, living in a caravan for months while the property I don't want to live in is being built. I fear my marriage will disintegrate completely.

Sorry to ramble.
Wx

[Wobbles]

Had a chat with my sisters recently, the advice was

1.  don't do it - you're both getting older with health problems and need to be close to amenities
2. why doesn't she just sell the land and give you the money to move if she really wants to help otherwise it sounds a bit controlling
3. it's up to you but I wouldn't - visiting is one thing and keeps in-laws relations good because you don't see them all the time. Living close by on gifted land could be an eye opener but it appears the 'gift' has conditions attached.
4. What if the relationship goes pear shaped. Husband will most likely side with mum and sister. He won't sell the property as won't want to upset mum for the gift.
5. Watch out for capital gains tax and inheritance tax if she dies or he decides to sell.

General advice was 'your choice but I wouldn't'.

Wx

[Tinkerbell]

Silent treatment is abuse,i would be running for the hills, i certainly wouldn't be moving somewhere remote and in a caravan for months.

[Wobbles]

Hi Tinkerbell - thanks for responding.

Silent treatment is certainly abusive but I'm used to it now. Strangely being used to it has made it lose its edge. It's not nice but I know I can ride it out. Unfortunately, I don't have the money or the best of health atm to leave and live independently. I do have jewelry I could sell on the sly though if I needed to.

Feels a bit extreme but I was considering checking my options with a solicitor. Apparently this time of year they get busy... 

Wx

[Tinkerbell]

My mother is a narcissist, silent treatment has frequently been dished out by her, it is so cruel especially when you are a child and can't remove yourself from it.

[yellowflower]

Silent treatment is abuse,i would be running for the hills, i certainly wouldn't be moving somewhere remote and in a caravan for months.

And he is supposed to be an adult. Adults should not be doing regular silent treatment. He sounds like a little boy who has not been able to cut the apron strings.

[Wobbles]

Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate it. I now feel that my feelings are not 'selfish' and a bit more validated.

It's really strange as I would normally try and find the positive in most things but in this case I just can't. My husband's reaction makes me feel really lonely. I remember my late mum saying there's nothing worse than feeling lonely in a marriage and I've been feeling this over the last few years.

It was so nice when my husband was nice and affectionate to me. I did query why he was being so nice with him and he said 'can't I be nice to my wife?' in a jokey way. It was just a ruse though. When I said I didn't want to do the move it immediately stopped. It's so manipulative and horrible to treat people that way and something I'd never do.

I put my issue on here as I value different replies and I don't really have anyone to talk to about such personal things. I'm really grateful that you've taken the time to reply. I never thought his behaviour was abuse but since it's been raised it got me thinking about his other behaviour and it does fit the description.

Thank you all so much.

W x

[sheila99]

I wouldn't move in your situation either. If you're not comfortable driving living remotely isn't a good idea even without MIL problem. It is possible to find somewhere semi rural that might suit both of you but it won't be cheap. I can see it from his side too though, I wouldn't live in a city for love nor money. Fortunately my OH feels the same so I don't have to choose. I'm not trying to justify his behaviour, the silent treatment is what you expect from a 4 year old not an adult, but he may well be just as unhappy living in a town as you are in the country. Marriage is all about compromise but I'm not sure I can see one here.
If you do decide to move you need a proper agreement about the land. You don't want to be in a position where you've paid to build the house but it's still her land.

[jillydoll]

Only you can decide what to do Wobbles.
I'd be very scared if that was me. What a massive decision to have to make.
However, if you're adamant you don't want to live that close to your in-laws, it'll only make your life even more miserable.
Please think hard before you make any decision about your future, then stick to it.
Good luck with what you choose. And please let us know how your getting on.
Wishing you a happy new year with whatever you decide....xx

[CLKD]

Keep in touch.

More people file for Divorce on 3rd Jan in the UK than at any other time.

Think about your finances.  Who holds the purse strings and what savings you have, any shares, Premium Bonds etc..

He is showing a now illegal control of you.  I think it's called 'coercion'?  Which is grounds for divorce as it is seen in Court as abuse.  Drip feeding : 'you aren't pretty enough' ; 'no one would want you, 2nd hand' ; 'you would never manage on your own' ; 'no one would believe you, it's my word against yours and be sure, I have told plenty of people what you are really like!.

Take a deep breath.  Why should you do the moving to his mother's anyway?  Why can't he move with you to make things easier for your both?

Read through and take notes ;-).  If I see my in-Laws less than 3 times a year I feel lucky!

[CLKD]

Also: depending on what type of land is being offered for sale, may mean it will never get Planning Permission and if applied for which costs over £250.00 each time Plans are submitted, could drag on for years++ and never be granted.  If it's agricultural land .......... or if there is a covenant ....... or objections from neighbours.  However remote, Planning Consent is essential.