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[Jeepers]

Hi all

I am sorry to post all of this, and I dont expect anyone to reply, its sort of annoying, needy and... well long

Feeling so overwhelmed with HA, and health issues, not even sure which it is, or both or something.


I am currently experiencing a second PMB, which is one of the things that is freaking me out.  I had a PMB in early February, and was referred to a gynae.  They did a scan and said my wonb lining was nice and thin (2.8mm), and that there was nothing that looked suspicious.  They did say if it happens again, I should go back as they would at that point consider a hysteroscopy.  Anywy, I have been bleeding since Tuesday.  Not a lot, but more than spotting.  I have been taking my Utrogestan every day since my first PMB, I haven't skipped any, and I'm on 2.5 pumps of Estrogel.


The second thing is that my breasts are really lumpy, and quite sore.  One breast feels worse than the other, and feels more lumpy, so now I am worried it  might be something sinister.  I had a scan in December as my Dr thought I had cysts, but the scan came back all clear.   The extra lumpiness has come back recently, since then.  I'm just hoping that nothing could have come along in that short space of time, as I can hardly go back so soon.

When I went back to the doctors to ask to be re referred for the PMB, he asked about my bowels, and I told him that my bowel movements have been looser and occasionally more frequent for the last 4 weeks or so.  He said "that's a long time" and has also referred me to a colorectal specialist.  At the appointment he did a rectal examination (most unpleasant) and said he couldn't feel anything.  He did note my pile (Ive had this since giving birth, but it has got a bit worse over the years).  I have had a little bit of bleeding when I wiped, but put this down to the pile. I eat a very healthy diet, lots of wholegrains and veggies.  Rarely drink alcohol (Although I did last weekend, unusually for me).

I have my abdo scan on Saturday, for suspected gallbladder issues... it jut never ends :-(

I've been working hard to get a grip on my anxiety, but I feel like I am falling apart physically, and its sort of a foregone conclusion, that I have something terrible.  My mind is bouncing around like a pinball in a machine.


So all in all, feeling crappy and alone.

Sorry to be such a downer.

Jeepers xx

[Krn11]

Hi

Sorry to hear everything you are going through-it's certainly enough to worry you.  I can't help on any the problems but I am going through similar with different health problems-it seems to be one thing after another and although I have had various tests and scans which have all come back clear i can't stop worrying as symptoms still there. 

I have just, in the last few days, started doing mindfulness relaxation to see if that will help-only time will tell I suppose.

Hope all your tests are clear.

X

[CLKD]

I think that I asked elsewhere  - what is PMB?

[AgathaC]

Jeepers - you've got what I call rock bottom syndrome. It feels like absolutely everything is wrong and nothing can get worse. When I get to that stage, I get to thinking that I'm literally about to die. You've got to stand back and start again. When my health anxiety is like that, I have to go back to my books and start afresh. You are (like I do) overestimating the likelihood that you are seriously ill and underestimating any ability to deal with a minor issue. I obsess about my boobs all the time. I check them every single day. One of mine is lumpier than the other. You had an ultrasound in December but are convinced they've missed something or something has appeared since then. I can empathise with that. Mine were scanned in November. Many of us suffer with this. The what ifs that I go through daily are exhausting. Any ache or pain or minor lump or bump is a complete disaster. I'm exhausted of myself. I can't tell my family or friends about this. Ugh. It's all dreadful. I'm sorry you are going through this Jeepers. I sense that all these tests will be fine but you're just going to have to jump through the hoops for reassurance xxxxx

[CLKD]

Do you make lists?  I find them useful.

When very depressed I made a list of chores every evening so that the next day I could see what I had actually achieved by ticking off as I went along.  Any chores that didn't get done went onto the next list.  It helped focus.

When I went to the GP is made a list so that I didn't forget what needed discussing.

What support is your family getting over-all?  I am a fixer  apparently.  I have had to step back once I make suggestions to avoid being over-whelmed.  Or my anxiety levels rise.

My Psychologist said "What is the worst that could happen?"   What I fear is pain that can't be controlled.  So if the worst happens I want to know that pain relief will be when necessary and not when the NHS decides!!

[Jeepers]

Hi all

thank you so much for your thoughtful replies.

Agatha, I am the same, I can't tell anyone about it.  I sneak around with these hospital appointments, I am filled with shame.  no-one in my family even knows I am on HRT.  I'm sure its not good for my MH to live my life under this veil of secrecy, and so posting on here becomes a bit of a lifeline, I am really sorry to be so needy.

I was seeing a counsellor, but he was male, and there was no way I was going to discuss, boobs, bowels etc with him.

CLKD, I feel overwhelmed nearly all of the time.  Is that an anxiety thing?  I feel like everyone else knows the secret of how to live life but me... but I suspect thats not really the case is it?  I never seem to get things done,even though I am constantly rushing around. Feeling like I have failed in some way,...

Sorry, I am going off at a tangent.

I am hoping today, I will get confirmation of my colorectal appointment.  I have invoked my medical insurance for this, so should not have to wait so long.  Which is a relief as its getting to the stage where I am afraid to go to the toilet.  What a weak pathetic person I am

Thank you all again

Jeepers xx

[Tc]

Well said  birdy. I agree with every word. Jeepers you are not weak. Quite the opposite. 

It's good to be able to get these thoughts out there as you are keeping them to yourself in daily life so please dont ever apologise for your posts .
How are you today?
Sending you a hugxxx

[Jeepers]

Thank your both so much, your messages have brought me to tears, such kindness.

I have been a bit better today, work was really busy, and I managed to get to the gym too.

I am still worried about the  bleeding, or whatever it is. I was hoping to hear about my referral today, but nothing has happened yet.

Thank you all again

Jeepers xx

[Jeepers]

Hi Birdy

It made me smile about the thought of us meeting up, how lovely would that be?  Standing under the clock at Waterloo station, holding a carnation :-)

I'm going to take inspiration from TC, and try to fight back today, I just want to find some inner peace.

Here is to a better day for us all 

Jeepers XXX

[Sickntired]

Your posts have put my similar overwhelming fear in perspective.  Continual tiredness and change in bowel habits too plus this week another bout of IBS affecting gut- wind, belching, reflux etc.  It started with a long run which has bad effect but may also have brought problems to the fore.  Good GP agreed I can go to Meno clinic and suggested cysts can mimic IBS,  no bleeding but every article I find online and papers somewhere highlights bowel cancer - so yesterday extra tired and a very cold day magnified my feelings and fears.   I woke up feeling similar but gave me time to think opposite ie you have to come at it from a positive point ie it may not be anything, you have doctor prepared to investigate , stats are in my favour and the show ain't over til the fat bloke sings.   This menopause shit seems to take every little trait or problem we already have and magnify by 1000,  I had depression but nothing like this, so , I came of antidepressants after 20 years and refuse more but some time feel like a stranger to myself- 1000x irrational woman.  It's horrible, but like the rage we get it's almost like viewing yourself from the outside.  No other experience in my life has been like the strangeness of menopause.  So thanks for another perspective discussion,  I'm gonna keep saying it's ok and fall apart if I get the negative result as that's a necessary process I think , then il regroup and find a strategy.   God no wonder my mother took to her bed!

[marge]

Not much to add to the others, but I find when health anxiety gets you, it does a good job.  One horrible thought after another.  You will come through it and we're all here to help.  Keep us posted.

[Countrygirl]

 

Jeepers for you x

[Tc]

Wouldn't it be lovely if we could have a coffee morning. The ladies and gents in my mums retirement flats have one twice a week in the communal room. I have been and they all get so much stuff off their chests and support and advise  each other.  everything from health, family matters, to the leak in their bathroom or seeking others opinions on anything and everything. And they have a good old laugh too.. many live alone and it's a vital part of their week

Hang on... I think I've just described the forum!!. Every day is coffee morning on here. I feel so grateful that I found you all ❤

[CLKD]

   BT had adverts years ago "It helps to talk" ?

CLKD, I feel overwhelmed nearly all of the time.  Is that an anxiety thing?  I feel like everyone else knows the secret of how to live life but me... but I suspect thats not really the case is it?  I never seem to get things done,even though I am constantly rushing around. Feeling like I have failed in some way,...

Who have you failed?  That's guilt talking?  The more I rush around the less I get done, hence the lists.  Because I will start a chore then see something at eye level that requires sorting [I'm a fixer  ] then another so nothing gets completed.  I have piles of paper work, piles of clothing to be put away etc., etc., etc.   

Feeling overwhelmed can be hormonal; a lack of food or hydration; worrying .......

Many years ago when I was worrying about others getting more out of Life than I seemed to be I stood in a supermarket.  Watching.  Everyone else was struggling with buggies, carrier bags, hand-bags, getting money/cards out to pay for goods ......... add kids to that as well as kids on scooters  .  Nope.  People are not getting any more out of Life than I am ;-).

[Tc]

 Ageing didnt effect me or make me panic that I had less time left. When I turned 50 I didnt feel any different inside to when I was 30. I always thought I could do more with my life but had time  I still felt young at 53. But meno has changed that for me.
For the first time in my life I look at people with children and babies and feel a pang of regret. When I had a hormone test at 43 and was told I was still ovulating I was so happy. I didnt have any intention of having children but the option was still there. If that makes sense  meno brought up feelings of "Its too late. I have missed out and also that I wont have my own extended family,,grandchildren around me when I get older. I will be the lonely auntie everyone visits once in a blue moon.

It's far more of milestone and emotional life stage for me than any "big" birthday.

I feel I have aged on the outside too which I didnt before my op  I thought I was "wearing well. I cant have aged that much in 6 months. Its surely the way I now percieve myself that's the issue  and I also believe how you feel inside shows on your face. If I catch myself in the mirror I see downturned mouth and eyes. Face set in a grumpy frown or droopy sad expression and then I think "I look old"  it's not a thought I had ever had up until 6 months ago.

When you dont feel well it can make you feel and look "worn" or "grumpy"  but I believe the main issue is that Meno has changed how I see myself.