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[Tc]

4 months post BSO and woke up crying again. I'm trying to put on a front to the world  I lost my wife 3 years ago and during the grieving process sometimes putting on a happy face would actually make me feel better inside. This isn't working now. I feel like an actor going on memory of the person I was before the surgery and acting out how I instinctively know I would be but I don't FEEL any of it. I feel dead inside. I try to imagine feelings of love, happiness and even sadness and I can't  the other day I went to an elderly friends funeral and forced myself to cry but the truth is I felt nothing. It's exhausting and I'm only too glad when social interactions are over so I don't have to fake emotions and interest in things.
 If I analyse it, in the same way I went thro stages of grief with my wife I feel i am just not accepting the loss of my ovaries.
This forum is so supportive and non judgemental but I keep reading other stuff on line about keeping the ovaries and women almost bragging about being so glad they made the "right decision to keep them. Reading much of what is out there it makes the future without ovaries seem so frightening and bleak and it makes me hate myself for allowing a surgery that has ruined my life. The other day a family member was 80 and I actually thought I hope I don't live that long, another 20 odd years like this with only more and more health problems due to surgical meno.
I feel so resentful and angry that at 53 I'm  gonna age prematurely and be dealing with age related conditions that might have been a long way off otherwise. I feel like I might as well be 73. How am I gonna get through this.
Ladies I am sorry to post something like this. I am aware that each and every one of you is going through tough times and my problems are certainly no more important or worse than anyone else's. The fact that I didn't have cancer should make me feel lucky but I can't put a positive spin on anything.i had to lose the ovary with the tumour but they took out a healthy one too and I can't seem to get over it.
Please don't feel you have to reply I guess I just needed to tell someone how I feel and get it out.
I hope a day will come when I can look back at this post when I am in a different place but I don't know how to get to that place.
Oh god even I think I sound like a self obsessed moaner but sometimes it helps to put the feelings into words.
My best wishes to you all.

[AgathaC]

I think that the loss of your wife is such a massive thing that whatever comes after such an awful life changing event would seem terrible, whether good or bad.
I have nothing helpful to add to your specific menopause situation than to say I am so sorry that you are feeling so crap and that you lost your wife and your suffering from that must be acute and ongoing.
Sending you lots of love xxxxx

[Tc]

Thanks agatac. Thank you for listening. You may be right because although I have been thinking of this as a separate issue to my grieving it might be interlinked or compounding my depression over the op. it would all be so much easier to bear if she were still here. She always helped me not to catastrophize and calmed my fears. She was so positive to my negative. I wish I could talk to her now. I have family and friends but I feel so alone without her cos I could truly be myself with her.
Wish you well and thanks for taking the time to reply.

[suzysunday]

It must be terrible for you to lopen your wife and face these serious health problems alone.  Like you say, friends and family are good but can never substitute that love and support of your partner who knew you better than anyone and could make you see things in a more positive way. Thinking of you.

[jaypo]

You're definitely NOT a moaner,you've come through so much tc,you've lost your wife at such a young age, I don't know how I'd cope without my husband.we're all here for you,stay strong ❤️

[AgathaC]

The only way to get to “that place” is by small steps in the right direction.
Are you having any grief counselling or going to any kind of bereavement group? I think it helps to talk to people who understand the enormity of your loss and how it doesn't just go away. My friend lost her son and people have stopped asking her how she is (understandably). She gets on the train in the morning and feels like screaming “I'm still hurting!” when she sees everyone else carrying on. Please can I ask if you two had children? xxxx

[Tc]

No children agatac. Guess the loss of fertility even at my age is still a loss. Before this op I was just beginning to get used to my new "normal". I've had to move as well. So many changes. But I still felt very young and had got back some hope for the future. The op has changed that. I realy wasn't expecting it to.
I was having bereavement counselling and it had realy helped me but came to an end. I have been put on waiting list for talking therapies tho.
Thank you all so much. It realy means a lot.

[AgathaC]

My sister is 51 and lost her husband suddenly in his 50's so similar to your situation. She joined a book group which has become a huge part of her life and the two ladies she has bonded with she is now going on holiday with. I'm sorry that the formal bereavement counselling has come to an end. Maybe an unofficial group could help you or even a (non grief specific) book club or similar. It sound stupid but, as you say, you are young and you are going to have to try to find some hope for the future wherever you can. I've got involved in some volunteering at a food bank and it's helped my anxiety a lot. I like your idea of a new normal. My normal keeps shifting too xx

[CLKD]

Have you tried 'cruise'? Run by bereaved for bereaved.

[Tc]

Thank you all. I was fortunate to get bereavement counselling. My gp recommended it and then said it is no longer available on the nhs and gave me a list of private counsellors. The hospice where my wife died gave me a year of bereavement counselling with no charge. I didn't even feel ready to start the counselling until 2 years after she died  but they were still there for me. The hospice after care has been amazing but obviously that is not the right place for my current issues

[Annie0710]

Hi Tc

I never know what to advise for you but wanted to send you a huge tight hug

I can't imagine going though this without a loved one by my side, I had a hysterectomy years ago when I was 32 and kept my ovaries but they accidentally cut the blood supply so ended up with partially working ones and then at 45 they seemed to disappear completely so I liken that time to a surgical menopause as my god it literally hit me like a ton of bricks overnight

You have a few grieving processes going on at once bless you and apart from talking strategies I'm thinking just time and the right hormone replacement is the only answer.  Never worry about using the forum as a service for you too, there's always someone that will give you a virtual shoulder to cry on xxx

[JaneinPen]

Tc. I just wanted to jump in to my iPad and give you a big hug when I read your post. You certainly are not alone and yes we all have our issues to deal with but this forum is always there for us and the ladies always have wonderful advice to offer and if they are not experiencing what you are will give you a virtual hug. Here we can say and be what we are on any given day without judgement and that makes this forum a special place.
The book club idea is a very good one. There is nearly always a local one. What about the W.I? Another good place to start. Meanwhile just remember you are not alone xx

[NorthArm]

Oh Tc,

I am so sorry .... just want to give you a big hug
 

[Tc]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and hugs.   

[AgathaC]

Tc - do you ever go back to the hospice where your wife died? I wonder if someone with your experience might be of help to them as a volunteer? It might also make you feel close to your wife being a “friend” of the hospice that has helped you and helped your wife.
I also think Stella Jane's idea is a good one if you felt you could bear to go to church (not sure your feelings on that). My church has a group for people who have lost loved ones and also lots of other - non-religious - things to get involved in xx