Hello ERose,
I recognise much of what you have posted here, in terms of patterns. Its the early hours now, so I will be brief, I am up and about as the damned meno insomnia is hitting hard tonight. The feelings you are having, and describe in detail here, are something I have had three times in my life. I dont visit the doctor either, I 'get on with things' as much as I can, and do similarly to you - use some personal research to try and 'sort things'. I tell you all this not to make it 'all about me' but to perhaps show you a little light and some possibilities to think about -
The first time was after giving birth, I experienced an extreme depression/anxiety and post-natal psychosis (not saying you have this last part). It hit so quickly and so hard that I never left came home after the birth and was 6 months in a psychiatric hospital and 12 months recovering totally (oddly enough that was how long it took periods to return!). It passed, as my hormones changed back, and I was advised not to get pregnant again and if I did I would need some hormone treatments. I won't go into the details of that period in my life, as don't want to trigger you, but they were serious and complicated. Following that.....entirely fine for 18 years....back to the happy, 'silver lining' positive person. Busy, working, extrovert in social situations but very confident on my own for much of the time. I 'found myself again'. I have remained on the AD they put me on at that time, but reduced to practically nothing and apparently non therapeutic now.
The second time was 2 1/2 years ago. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was treated. I got through all the torment of a bc diagnosis fairly easily, of course pain and worry, but it was the final part of treatment that hit me into the place you describe now. I was prescribed tamoxifen hormone therapy, I expressed my concerns but was advised to 'try it', so I of course did. Within 6 weeks I was removed from it by the consultant, in the deepest suicidal despair imaginable, and told that if I was ever to try it again it would be with 'mental health services' involved daily! It took around 6 months again to recover from this hormonal mess, tough, tough months.....but I 'found myself again'.
The third time - this last year - in what I hope and believe is late peri-menopause. I feel those same feelings I had from my first two 'episodes', what is a little different this time is that they undulate and I can spend 2 or three weeks in utter devastating depression, fear and anxiety, or even a day or so, then it can change again. I can't and won't describe how bad I feel at my worst, but the way you describe things echoes the types of days I have and the thoughts in my head. I feel at those times that life isn't worth carrying on with, that I honestly can't get through another morning as the quality of my living is so low, thinking 'what if this time it doesn't change back or gets worse?' 'What if this is it?'. Then.....it can change quickly too. During the bad times I go from minute to minute just holding onto the fact that this CAN change. I have odd physical symptoms too, I know when oestrogen is low with muscles twitching, and there are others....but don't want to list.
So, my long story above.....that wasn't actually that brief LOL. I think you may be suffering with the type of response that I had/have to sudden hormone changes. Some people are just very sensitive to those sudden changes, its not usual to be THAT sensitive but it is known about and there are others who have the same. NorthArm mentioned PMDD, and I think that is something I can see as being an absolute possibility. I too have had a week rather similar to yours in respect to my mental health, and I too have been spotting!!!!
I'm not sure if this will all help at all, but I don't think you need to look much further than sudden hormone changes for why you are feeling this way.
Yes it's the “what if this never ends or gets worse?!â€
The uncertainty. The whys and what ifs.
The lack of hope is terrifying.
I have to remind myself that only 4 days ago I was fine. Before that it's been a lot of ups and downs.
I could have written this myself ! I have wailed hysterically for hours about 'what if it stays at the bottom and never rises again' (my mood) and then 2 days later I am like a different person...... I've been told that it does even out, and you do adjust. It is the sudden erratic CHANGES at this time in life which make it hard, and I can believe that. Once there are no sudden changes, we can be in calm waters.
Please, and I mean this, PM me if you want us to 'drag each other' through this stage.
)
