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[Netsky]

Hello from Holland

I joined the group this morning and have been thinking of how to introduce myself here. I am 54, no children, always was (WAS!!) very outgoing, adventurous and positive. I had my last menstruation 2 years ago and never many issues ... physically. Friends used to predict that I 'd sail through this phase...But I feel that in the last year or so, the whole emotional, psychological effects of MP are catching up on me.
I miss my spirit, my zest for life, my positive confidence that life is full of adventures. I feel "settled"- not just physic ally but mentally.
Having read lots of material about MP, I am now determined (well, trying to be!) to fight this feeling that life is over. I seriously envisage my funeral each night before I finally go to sleep, I carry this sense of "it's soon over-you had your best times" around with me. I am scared of dying, or losing my husband...this air of anxiety is all around me. I don't talk about this a lot, also due to lack of intimate friends here - I want to manage it and be my old self again. That's where the reminiscing comes in. I daydream and miss the past. I travelled a lot and my friends are in different countries...I left the UK, which I love so much, and Brexit and job-choice make it impossible for me to return, which was always the plan!
My situation has not changed but the way I think/feel about it and I put that down to Menopause.
Hopefully I will meet likeminded women in here to connect with for mutual support!
By the way, I am on thyroid tablets as my thyroid was removed when I had cancer 20 years ago. I do not want to take any HR as I react terribly to hormones and want to get through this without. Would appreciate advise on herbal substitutes. Looked into St. John s before but apparently that's not an option due to the thyroid stuff I need to take.

Thank you for reading, would love to connect with women here.

Netsky

[Robb V]

Hi Netsky in Holland I'm also a newby to the MM forum. I'm not sure I can help you at all, but I certainly share your frustrations and some familiar symptoms. I'm 57, MP at 52  also have no children. I was widowed 8 years ago and left my long term corporate Sales career to care for my husband. I chose not to return to the corporate chains when he died. I was very lucky to find love again in my 50s and am now very happily married again, however 8 years away from the workplace I find myself very lonely of female company and plenty of time to overthink things. I constantly worry about losing my husband and get real lowness of mood and sometimes, quite irrational levels of anxiety. I still have plenty of physical energy and exercise 4-5 times a week, which certainly helps.  I also have a lovely dog to walk, however my self confidence is low and I have to dig deep to find the enthusiasm I used to have for enjoying life. It feels like my world gets smaller by the day. My Husband is wonderful but he works very long hours and I feel of no purpose or value to anybody else really. I used to be accused of wearing rose tinted specs with my positivity, which seems quite laughable now. I too, miss who I used to be!
It's sad that you've been unable to return to the UK to fulfil your plan. I totally understand you not wanting to use HRT - I was unwilling until recently but the lack of sleep and flushes were making my mood so constantly low I felt sorry for my husband having to put up with my misery too, so I have been going Estrogel and progesterone tablets a try. Week 3 and my flushes have all but disappeared and I am starting  to sleep better. I do feel a bit brighter and calmer too (bloated - why in the world do hormones always have too mean swollen tummies and boobs 😩) anyway I've now been informed that the oestrogen pump gel I'm on has become unavailable for the foreseeable so it's ack to the drawing board 🙄🙄
Anyway, Netsky I empathise and I hope you at least have some sunny weather there in Holland today xx

[Netsky]

Hi Robb V

Thank you so much for your reply - it really meant a lot to me reading it. Most of all, I felt that I am not alone in this. I read your reply on my way home from work, I commute by train. So it had time to sink in and triggered some more thought and reflections. That then lead to a very good conversation with my husband about how I felt, what my symptoms are and how he experienced this process over the last few month.

So, thank you very much for taking the time to share your story!!!!

Netsky

..and yes, from a much warmer and sunny Holland 

[Jeepers]

Hi Netsky

I could have written a lot of what you are saying.  Until this past year, I was  adventurous too... member of a scuba club, canoe club, went to the climbing wall etc.
Now I find it hard to do anything much, I feel like I have lost so much of myself.  I even struggle to get to body pump, which I always loved.

I feel a sense of doom all the time, and I hate who I am now.  In my head I am already dying, and I find it hard to relate to anyone, as I am no longer a valid person.
I know that sounds insane, and I do have an appointment with a counsellor in a few weeks to try to stop feeling this way. 

I also relive a lot of things in my head, but that might be more to do with losing my Dad last year.

sorry I am nor being much help am I?  I just wanted you to know that you  are not alone in how you feel.

Take care

Jeepers x

[Netsky]

Dear Jeepers,

it's not as if this was "not of any use". You actually complemented my post - the sense of doom, hating who I am now, "in my head I am already dying" - strong, graphic and so to the point!!!

Thank you for getting in touch!!!

Netsky