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[Emerald2017]

Hi lovely ladies.  This post is not for sympathy or attention.....I am desperate to talk about this but not sure where I can do it safely.  I cannot speak to my husband as he gets very angry and im afraid to speak to a doctor in case I get sectioned.  However, feeling at an all time low and desperate for some relief I am finding myself dwelling on this subject quite a lot now.  I find I no longer fear the thought of death. It brings me comfort....one of the only things that does now.  However I do of course fear the process of dying as I have severe anxiety health anxiety and emetophobia.  Of course I havent made any efforts to make thgis a reality because I dont want to bring pain to my family but it is my kind of get out clause.  I tell myself....if i cannot bear it any more there is always THAT option.  My physical symptoms are unbearable now and my zest for life no longer exists.  I wonder how much longer I can stay in this horror movie.  I know suicide is a taboo subject but where can someone go to explore these thoughts in a non judgemental environment.  Please dont suggest my doctor as I get literally no help at all from them.  Maybe a vicar or priest?  I called samaritans once but that was completely hopeless.....Im not looking for someone to try and talk me down, I just want to get all these thoughts out and air them.  To me they are very logical but im sure will be judged as being that of someone suffering from depression.....well yes of course.....but I cannot get any relief from the anxiety and depression. I really just want to sleep.  The thought of never waking up is very appealing right now.  Thanks for reading, I hope this is ok to post here.  Feeling very alone right now. xx

Hi Jessieblue! I feel sometimes suicidal. I was a very energetic, optimistic, creative person, good looking and healthy until my early menopause, 6 months ago. I feel sometimes like a shadow, I only want to sleep and when I ll wake up, I hope to find out that was just a nightmare. Sometimes I wish never wake up. What is really helps me is my training and my work. I try not to think too much. I think that  I will get over it someday. I see older people, happy and energetic and it gives me courage to go on. I smile and just try to feel the life, not to think about life. Sorry for my English! 🌹

[Kwebst]

Big hugs to you. The thing to remember and try and get some comfort from is that when you .are a member of this site, you are not alone and a great many people here understand what you are going through. .i am not suicidal but do go to bed at night dreading waking up in the morning as I know the anxiety and stress of my life will begin again. I'm currently on 40 mg Citalopram and HRT and seeing a councillor to help with my troubles which IS beginning to help. I now only cry once a day instead of all day! What I have learnt is that although I have wonderful friends there are certain things I would only speak to a councillor about. They are totally non judgemental and because they come in cold to the situation can give you a quite different and unbiased perspective. More than anything you need to talk through your feelings. You are not alone petal and you are in our thoughts. Hope you have a better night. 😊

[Bring me Sunshine]

Jessieblue if you want to pm me tomorrow you are more than welcome we can support you to call the doctor for an urgent appt if you dont feel you can just turn up(it can be hard sometimes getting past the dr receptionists!) but go you must as this is your first step on the way to recovery and telling them exactly what you have told us, even if you have to write it down and hand it over to the doctor.

racjen you will find an anti depressant that works and i have never been on one yet that doesnt make you feel so much worse at first.  Sadly they have not made a fast acting one, i wish.  The taking them at the start is horrible dry mouth,tiredness etc...but persevere you must because they can work absolute wonders and can change and save your life.  Sertraline worked wonders for me and got me well within 3 months when I had a traumatic bereavement to get through,  it only stopped working when the menopause started and I lost all my oestrogen.  Venlaflaxine/efexor is the one I take now and can also work on hot flushes.  The oestrogen level has to be up a t a decent level for all these chemicals to work though.  Dont give up on finding the right one for you, you will get better xx

[Sarai]

I so want to reply to you, to give you my support. I just can't right this moment but I will soon x

[racjen]

Bring me Sunshine, how long would you say it took for Sertraline to stop making you feel worse? I'm not talking so much physical symptoms (all i'm getting is tiredness and constipation) but it is making me really really depressed, much worse than I was before. they want me to put the dose up to 100mg now and I'm really scared cos if i get anymore depressed than this I may end up taking an overdose.

[aspie65]

I took escitalopram (an SSRI)  and it worked within 2 weeks with zero side effects so there is hope.   You are certainly not alone in feeling like this, hugs .

[CLKD]

Yep aspie65 - 4 me any of the ADs have either given me nausea which meant I stopped them (emitophobic) or they worked with 4-10 days.  PHEW!

Maybe some of the problem is that the husband here isn't offering up support?  They aren't mind readers though so you need to ask - Please ring the GP to see what support I can have today, Please come with me to the appt., mine used to sit in the waiting room as I was too ill to go into the place until the GP was ready to see me.  Also, having him along reiterated that I was really unable to function.

How have you been over-night and 2-day?  For me it was like wading through treacle 

[Bring me Sunshine]

Hi racjen When I think back to the sertraline I started at 50mg and it was awful dry mouth, constapation as you describe and even more suicidal thoughts, unbelievable when it is supposed to be to help you.  Non of them work fast.  I used to increase in 2 week intervals if nothing was changing, 75 mg, 100mg, this was about the 6 week stage when the descructions say they should start working but again we are all different.
 I started having the odd good day which I wrote down so I could remember because depression would like you to think you have NEVER been happy oh yes you have.  Still wasnt good enough so 2 weeks later 150mg, having more "good days" but bad days would follow which can be even harder as you almost think you are back its like it teases you.
At around 10 weeks in and im now on 200mg it all started to come together.

I was running each day and each day when I was ill I would look at the canal and think I could just jump in and it would all be over.  I would come home shower and then cry for most of the day.

Once I was on 200mg, it took about a week and it was like a light had gone on.  I went for my run and I looked at the canal and I thought never would I jump in there in looks cold and dirty.  I since found out it would have only come up to my knees anyway.    That's when I knew I was well as my self preservation had kicked in.

I came home for my shower and for the first time in almost 12 weeks I put the radio on and enjoyed listening to the music again.  That's when I knew the levels were in the right place. It is so easy to give up on anti depressants and  I know why because they can make you feel even worse at the beginning than you were feeling, there arent many medications that are so cruel.  Trouble is they have to get into the brain and thats all complex stuff and it takes time and also depends on how low your serotonin has gotten.

Basically they saved my life and nothing was getting me better, all the st johns wort, acupuncture, loads of exercise, all the alternative stuff, nothing I needed proper meds to get the balance right.  I would still be on it if it hadnt stopped working due to me having no oestrogen.  i asked about long term side effects and my dr said only brittle bones but if you do exercise then you will be fine.

Hope that helps a little, keep going it will all be alright in the end.  xx

[CLKD]

I have clinical and organic depression    ......... once I accepted that I need to take ADs for Life, I began to have a routine again and didn't spent time in bed or dozing on the settee, day after day after ...........

[racjen]

I hate to say this Bring me sunshine, but if you could go out for a run during this time we're not talking about the same level of depression. I can barely step outside the front door at the moment, all i want to do is lie on the sofa and cry, and that's after just one week on 50mg sertraline. Before that I wasn't even depressed, I was suffering from acute anxiety and had got to the end of my tether. I was very distressed but i wasn't depressed. There's no way I can tolerate 6 weeks of this, especially when I wasn't even depressed to start with. There's got to be some better way of treating acute anxiety.

[Bring me Sunshine]

Hi racjen ( i wrote a really long reply and went to post it and it disappeared!)  i tried to look back at some of your posts and now I dont even think you should be on sertraline at all.

Now I am no doctor and shouldnt be advising you but is clear from reading back that you dont suffer from depression in the normal sense.  i f this is what it sounds like all hormonal then I think anti depressants may not be the answer but getting that oestrogen to the correct level and it sounds like you need it higher than it is.  Yes in some cases a combination of hrt and anti depressants can work well together.  I did not have anxiety when I was prescribed sertraline all those years ago it was purely for melancholia depression.  I have only suffered anxiety this last year when in the menopause.

A friend of mine has always been anxious and she stays relatively well on citalapram (this no doubt has been mentioned to you before).

When i was running it was only because my husband wouldnt let me stay in bed, oh how i longed for that duvet.  He wouldnt go off to work till I was up and doing something so off i went running,often in tears but in a masochistic way it was better than staying in bed.

 Now I was not anxious at all so I can understand leaving the house for you is a totally different ball game.

I dont know if you are under an NHS Menopause clinic?  They tell me that most hospitals have them but are not widely advertised and may be are only on once a week.  Mine is in Oxford and they will see ladies from anywhere in the country as long as the gp will refer them.

I have also emailed a long email to Dr Currie a day or so ago and await a reply.  I like to have lots of answers/ideas.  I cant afford to go to prof studd but I love the information that is shared i almost feel like I have been there.

I read about Carol Vorderman and she didnt go on anti depressants but on prof studd regime and Denise Welch has suffered for years with depression but it is only since going through menopause that she found hers was hormonal and she too is on the right hrt combination.

You have a hormonal imbalance which is causing your anxiety.  Anxiety is the biggest sympton of this.

Are you under a specialist?  Or are you being prescribed just by your gp(if its the gp then it needs to be a menopause specialist) and i dont mean one that charges £300.

If you wanted to private message me I could always ask my menopause expert jan Brockie if there is somewhere that she knows of near to where you live?

You dont deserve to be struggling like this its not fair after what you have been through.  There is a solution for you but it just hasnt been found yet.

Please seek more specialist help with this its not good enough for you .

Take good care you will get better!!  xxxxx

[Optimist]

This is just so awful for ladies struggling like this. My heart goes out to you. You've had some really good advice on here.
Just a thought re husband- maybe he's angry as he just doesn't understand what's going on.
How about you print off your post and the replies and ask him to read all. Then ask him if he will ring a Gp and go with you to an emergency appointment.
Not sure if that would help but maybe it could bring you the much needed support at home you should have.
Would definitely consider HRT for your anxiety if not already on it and see if this improves things steadily.
Please know that you will not always feel like this. Although you can't see it right now you will get better with the right help xx

[racjen]

Thanks Bringme sunshine for your lovely reply. I am paying to see a menopause specialist as there are none in the SW and so far my Gp won't refer me elsewhere. My estrogen levels have come up a lot, the problem seems to be that a reaction to progesterone set off this awful anxiety and despite stopping it the anxiety stayed. That was 3 months ago and I've been struggling ever since. No-one seems to be able to come up with a solution to the anxiety except diazepam (which clearly isn't a long term fix) or propranolol (which also made me very depressed). I'm desperate now - don't know what to do but lie on the sofa and cry. Given that this was all brought on by cancer treatment I can't understand why there's no help whatsoever from that department - money i guess. Wish I was dead right now.

[aspie65]

racjen I similarly really struggled with anxiety to a point where it became completely intolerable.  My saviour was pregabalin.  I find it so more effective than diazepam and propanalol.  GPs don't seem to be that aware of it's use for anxiety but it is really good.  It is non addictive, you don't build up a tolerance and for me, it had no side effects.  I take just 75mg at night (you can take up to 600mg safely) and sometimes 25mg in the morning if I am feeling very bad.  It is quite sedative so will help you sleep at night, which was always my first sign that my anxiety was getting out of hand.  It is truly the best thing I have ever been prescribed and has changed my life. 

[Mindfulmoomins]

Jessieblue and Racjen,

How I wish I could wrap us all up in a blanket of comfort and love until this is all over.

Please know you are not alone and that you are needed in this world however it feels right now.

I wish I could transport us out of this experience to the other side where there is once again love, belly laughs, gentleness, self compassion, strength and a feeling of being ok in our own skin.

Xxx