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[Poppi]

Don't know where to start but how do you know if you need antidepressants or not? I had an awful childhood, was on Valium at 16, fought strongly with bully parents, married against their wishes (DH was at uni and therefore thought he was better than everyone in the whole world-he is the most down to earth guy albeit not so understanding of Menopause sadly!) I became a teacher despite their threats of no financial help. I had no help for final year and we paid for our own wedding.
For the sake of my mental health I have cut ties with toxic mother and sister (father died). I had bad PND 30 years ago and know I am prone to depression regularly. I've blamed the menopause for last 5 years, HRT helps mood swings and dryness but I can cry at the drop of a hat.
DH is great but is losing patience with me as I have everything I want, happy grown up kids, lovely home, very few worries and he can't understand why I seem so selfish. I'm tired of going to see another GP and crying as I explain how I feel - how can I help myself? Getting out of bed is a struggle and I just want to feel some joy in my life again instead of looking back to unhappy times.
Poppi x

[Poppi]

Ps
Toxic parents thought DH “thought he was better than everyone else” I should have said.

[Woodlands]

Hi there.
I too had a toxic mother and brother elder than me..recent vile email ...great satisfaction telling him.to jog on!!
Anyway I too had PND with my eldest bordering on admission to a psychiatrist unit..that bad.....I dragged literally myself out of it and did extra nurse training ...no meds taken then as I refused them.
In 2013 it hit me again, major MH breakdown with peri menopause...long story. I started AD's ..never looked back for me quality of life was more important than fighting my MH needs....since life has thrown me some rocks but never a regret re AD's ..hope it helps.
Woodlands x

[sweettooth]

Hi poppi, so sorry to hear about your mum and sister problems it must have been so stressful for you!  I so admire you getting on in life despite all of that so don't be sore on yourself, menopause is a very challenging time and it can bring up so much painful stuff that we are less equipped to deal with .  I had pnd myself and when I hit peri I thought I needed to be admitted I felt that bad but after gp found right AD and hrt for me I got better.

You say poppi that u are tired going to your gp, what did he or she suggest? X

[Poppi]

Hi and thanks for replying.
We retired and moved 350 miles last Jan, son got married in August (lovely dil, lovely occasion, son has fabulous in-laws - I couldn't ask for more but still feel joyless)
Father in law was admitted to full time care last April as at 90 he can't cope. He has End stage copd and really bad dementia now. Fortunately he is now only an hour away instead of 6.
GPs before were attentive but as the practice had a series of locums I was put on several ADs some had horrible effects (restless legs syndrome, insomnia, nausea) and I'd rather try to help myself without ADs if possible.
Sorry such a long post
Poppi x

[Roseneath]

Hi Poppi. Thanks for posting. It helps soooo much to hear similar stories.  There is a lot thrown at you in mid life and I find it hard to look forward sometimes so I find myself going over the ' bad' or stressful stuff. I have had an unloving and sometimes psychotic mother since I was a teenager plus my father is terrified of her so doesn't help.  In my 20s and 30s I was so busy with work / kids etc that it didn't have a major impact. This year she has turned her bitterness on my kids and we have had to sever all contact with my parents (they live 50m away...). I am struggling with anxiety and hormonal ups and downs and all the negative thoughts of my parents frequently rise up. I wish we had more of an American counselling system sometimes but I live in the sticks and there is nothing. I think men (well mine!) find things more black and white so don't 'get' our emotional overloads sometimes. Huge to you.

[aspie65]

I found  my mental health issues (anxiety not depression) got exponentially worse as I entered my menopausal years.  I had to up my AD dose and start an additional medication, all on top of HRT.  I think the mental health issues of menopause are so overlooked it is quite scary.  If you are depressed then get the help you deserve.

[CLKD]

Poppi - we have several threads about toxic parents and narcissistic mothers  and old habits really do die hard.  I still react badly when Mum talks loudly - the bathroom is over the lounge and she's talking to my husband below! 

I have taken anti-depressant medication since 1988.  I have cyclic organic depression as well as clinical depression so ADs have helped a lot.  I had my 1st panic attack at aged 3.  So have to take medication daily as well as having an emergency tablet as necessary.

Tell your DH that survival is selfish, that's why babies cry, sometimes B4 they are born!!! TOtherwise?

I would suggest trying an anti-depressant for 4-5 months and see how much difference it makes?

[Poppi]

Thank you all once again. Feeling better with reassurance that it's not only me who feels like this! I will have a look at the toxic parents thread and speak to my GP next appointment.

                Poppi x

[CLKD]

"My Mum!" ..........

[racjen]

Hi Poppi, I think the problem here is that we're pushed into seeing this as either a mental health issue or a medical issue by our system. I've been going through hell with menopausal symptoms of depression and anxiety, which have been brought on by sudden menopause due to breast cancer chemotherapy. I feel like I'm caught between the "well you're bound to be depressed after cancer, here have some antidepressants and counselling" brigade and the "this is all to do with the massive hormone upheaval in your body, we just need to get the HRT right" brigade. Neither side communicates with the other and unfortunately for me, neither approach is working at the moment and I'm left to try and put together an impossible jigsaw while feeling like hell. So I really sympathise - I think all  you can do is find whatever support you can for the symptoms, whether that's counselling, alternative therapies, ADs etc. whilst pushing for the appropriate hormonal treatment. And try to stop stressing over whether it's a mental or physical issue; in my experience that's a waste of energy - concentrate on finding out what makes you feel better regardless,and don't dismiss anything. Hope that helps xxx

[racjen]

Oh and PS, I also have a pretty toxic mother and lost my father suddenly at the age of 14; feels like that trauma had been reactivated by all of this so that's added to what's already a pretty complicated mix....x

[Stillsearching]

Hi Poppi,

I think your first paragraph explains the source of your problems which are still affecting your life. During your childhood when you should have had nurturing parents who helped you to grow into a confident, resilient adult, you had the opposite and you're still living with the consequence of their neglect. Many of us here are.  Listing the good things that are going on in your life as though you should not have depression is not helpful. That just puts more pressure on you to 'snap out of it' . I self referred to IAPT

www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/adults/iapt/

and I honestly believe the therapy I received saved my marriage aswell as sorting out my mental health issues.

 

[Roseneath]

I think you gave a really good summary racjen on the nub of my peri problems. My physical problems of peri e.g irregular cycles, gut problems, insomnia, brain fog have fed my mental anxiety hugely and there seems to be no place in the GP system to look at both things together.   I think if there was a middle man (e.g. practise nurse menopause specialist if they existed) who could sit me down and say 1. What you are feeling is normal, don't worry it will pass and 2. This is the plan on how we are going to help  you feel better  I think I would feel better and more confident. The current system is a lonely place to have peri problems and I dread going back to the GPs now...I have tried several and feel they just don't get it.

[Stillsearching]

I think you gave a really good summary racjen on the nub of my peri problems. My physical problems of peri e.g irregular cycles, gut problems, insomnia, brain fog have fed my mental anxiety hugely and there seems to be no place in the GP system to look at both things together.   I think if there was a middle man (e.g. practise nurse menopause specialist if they existed) who could sit me down and say 1. What you are feeling is normal, don't worry it will pass and 2. This is the plan on how we are going to help  you feel better  I think I would feel better and more confident. The current system is a lonely place to have peri problems and I dread going back to the GPs now...I have tried several and feel they just don't get it.

Roseneath, are the gp's that you've seen all in the same practice? I saw 3 plus a locum at my previous practice and have only been taken seriously since moving to another one. I looked at 2 other practices locally and checked out the qualifications and interests of the gp's then made an appointment to see the one I'm with now. I should have moved years ago.