21st December my anxiety lifted. I'm buzzing, excited for Christmas (even though we weren't really celebrating but I was in the festive mood). 24th December hubby gets paranoid that he has the tongue cancer back as he's finding it sore to swallow. Then he tells me he's had this fear again for the last week (why didn't he tell me earlier then I could have contacted the specialist to put his mind at ease). So his mood takes a downturn. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day he hardly eats anything and is down the whole holiday. I'm overly empathetic (therapist and me are working on this) so I'm down too, but mine also starts giving me nightmares, night terrors, waking up scared. I'm now panicking that he's going to die (he really frightens me sometimes when he talks like that - I mean the consultant said the chance of it coming back again is around 10% and I know he's worried about it) but I'm now overthinking and it's getting out of control in my head (I'm a disabled widow not being able to cope in my head) and I HATE it when it does that. I just want to be able to live in the moment but these last 2 years have been so stressful (peri starting getting out of control 18 months ago with the anxiety problems) and what with his tongue cancer op and radiotherapy. I just feel in such a state at the moment. I'm trying not to but then smack bang right in the middle of my period the anxiety and bad nightmares hit again - I've only just over the damn thing from last month.
I think my head is going to explode. My next therapy session is 9th January so I've got quite a few days until I get some relief but it's the holding on and not trying to keep panicking that I'm finding hard. Spoke to my friend this morning and she didn't want to talk about anything much, then my sister called and just wanted to talk about her, I talked about me and she talked over me. I just need it to lift. And to top it all, I have taken a huge bite of skin out of my cheek which has just started to heal (I've been filling it full of clove oil) but that's upset me too. And I miss my Mum (she's got dementia and is in a care home and as I have agoraphobia I haven't seen her for nearly 5 years, not that she'd know who I am anyway). Sometimes you just want a Mum cuddle don't you?
PLUS everyone around me is having kids. I haven't been able to. I'd love to adopt but when I enquired, the woman said that I had social services on my file and that wasn't a good sign so they probably wouldn't send forms out - plus the fact I'm morbidly obese she didn't think we'd be good candidates (Social services were only on my "files" because of being my Mum's carer, nothing else). I explained, she didn't listen. Then I've looked into surrogacy, but we couldn't afford the fees let alone the IVF that would probably need to take place. My friend was going to be a surrogacy for me but she ended up having pre cancerous cells in her womb, so had to have a hysterectomy.
So the last 2 years as you can see have been awful for me and my hubby. That and this damn peri menopause!!!!!!!!!!! I need a break. I'm on Seroxat, Propranolol, Mirtizapine (just been added) and I'm thoroughly fed up.
Just needed to let off steam. Sorry Ladies.