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[puddlesmum]

21st December my anxiety lifted.  I'm buzzing, excited for Christmas (even though we weren't really celebrating but I was in the festive mood). 24th December hubby gets paranoid that he has the tongue cancer back as he's finding it sore to swallow. Then he tells me he's had this fear again for the last week (why didn't he tell me earlier then I could have contacted the specialist to put his mind at ease). So his mood takes a downturn. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day he hardly eats anything and is down the whole holiday. I'm overly empathetic (therapist and me are working on this) so I'm down too, but mine also starts giving me nightmares, night terrors, waking up scared. I'm now panicking that he's going to die (he really frightens me sometimes when he talks like that - I mean the consultant said the chance of it coming back again is around 10% and I know he's worried about it) but I'm now overthinking and it's getting out of control in my head (I'm a disabled widow not being able to cope in my head) and I HATE it when it does that. I just want to be able to live in the moment but these last 2 years have been so stressful (peri starting getting out of control 18 months ago with the anxiety problems) and what with his tongue cancer op and radiotherapy. I just feel in such a state at the moment. I'm trying not to but then smack bang right in the middle of my period the anxiety and bad nightmares hit again - I've only just over the damn thing from last month.

I think my head is going to explode. My next therapy session is 9th January so I've got quite a few days until I get some relief but it's the holding on and not trying to keep panicking that I'm finding hard.  Spoke to my friend this morning and she didn't want to talk about anything much, then my sister called and just wanted to talk about her, I talked about me and she talked over me. I just need it to lift. And to top it all, I have taken a huge bite of skin out of my cheek which has just started to heal (I've been filling it full of clove oil) but that's upset me too.  And I miss my Mum (she's got dementia and is in a care home and as I have agoraphobia I haven't seen her for nearly 5 years, not that she'd know who I am anyway).  Sometimes you just want a Mum cuddle don't you?

PLUS everyone around me is having kids. I haven't been able to. I'd love to adopt but when I enquired, the woman said that I had social services on my file and that wasn't a good sign so they probably wouldn't send forms out - plus the fact I'm morbidly obese she didn't think we'd be good candidates (Social services were only on my "files" because of being my Mum's carer, nothing else). I explained, she didn't listen.  Then I've looked into surrogacy, but we couldn't afford the fees let alone the IVF that would probably need to take place.  My friend was going to be a surrogacy for me but she ended up having pre cancerous cells in her womb, so had to have a hysterectomy.

So the last 2 years as you can see have been awful for me and my hubby. That and this damn peri menopause!!!!!!!!!!!  I need a break.  I'm on Seroxat, Propranolol, Mirtizapine (just been added) and I'm thoroughly fed up. 

Just needed to let off steam. Sorry Ladies. 

[Daisydot]

I'm sending you a huge “mum cuddle” right now you poor soul feeling like that and no where to vent is awful for you.keep fighting it and keep positive tomorrow really is another day.take care xx

[CLKD]

It suddenly builds up doesn't it!  Things that we deal with, when they join forces, can get to us.

I DREAD when Himself dies.  I wake in the night to see if he's still breathing  . 

Do you find that when you bite a place in the mouth you keep biting the same place!?!  I use Bonjela regularly which soon heals the area.  I haven't yet worked out why we are designed to be able to bite ourselves  - what's that about!

Of course it's always worse, thinking about health matters when we know that Surgeries etc. are closed  .  It kind of pulls the mat from beneath us, somehow.  Does DH make the appt. with the GP yet? or show his mouth to a Pharmacist or even a Dentist?  There are ways of by-passing our worries!

Of course you miss your Mum particularly if you are unable to visit - for what ever reason.  Do you get up-dates from the Care Home?  Do other family members visit to give you up-dates?  Is there a neighbour who could go in to observe your Mum?  A friend of mine did that: her Gt Uncle went into care due to dementia and he got upset when she went to see him - "I seem to know you but I can't remember".  So she dropped by the Home to watch him interacting with Staff and residents: he was always clean, well dressed and happy. 

....... and BREATH!  Deep breaths. Sing!!!

What will you do about your extra weight?  Have you access to a dietician through your Surgery perhaps who could give advice?  Or pop into a weight-watchers group or speak with a personal trainer at the Gym for suggestions? 

As for being childless - are you able to go into a local school?  They often need people to help slow readers for example or to accompany parents/staff on trips, i.e. swimming.

This time of year is often worse for sufferers!   

[Stillsearching]

Oh puddlesmum (Who is puddles?)

I recognise the way your mind is playing tricks on you because mine was doing the same to me 5 years ago. I had 18 weeks of  1 to 1 therapy which was brilliant and changed the way I look at things now. You do have real life issues to deal with but your mind is also creating problems for you.  Your husband's consultant has said there is only a 10% chance of his tongue cancer returning. In the slim chance that it does they will catch it and deal with it. You could ask your husband to ring his consultant to put your mind at rest. In the meantime your mind is creating every possible bad scenario for you to ruminate over. These thoughts are not facts or tangible things that you can sort out, they are not true.

Perhaps now is not a good time to be speaking to people on the phone because they cannot give you what you need and that sets your mind off again making up stories about other people's motives which you can't possibly know.

While your head is ready to explode you are not in a good place to be thinking about wanting children. This is also giving your mind an enormous amount of 'stuff' to busy itself with which is not helpful.

You have managed to separate out the various topics that are causing you problems. Can you prioritise them and decide to tackle the least important things later, say after you've finished your counselling?

If you would like to swap notes on night terrors I reckon I could give you a run for your money 

The other night I slammed myself up the bedroom wall and landed beneath a chair. Frightened my husband to death and he's used to my escapades. I can still not bend my wrist and I have scrapes on my elbows and knees. I didn't catch whatever I was after but I'm sure I'll have another go soon.


Sending you a mum cuddle


 

[CLKD]

Crikey Stillsearching - I thought talking in my sleep with eyes wide open was bad enough 

[puddlesmum]

Hey CLKD. Yep, biting is always the same place. Left side, right by my last tooth. The cheek seems to swell a little and I end up slicing right through it. Oh it's so painful.

No he's not made an appointment but does have his specialist appointment already set up for him on the 2nd. I just wish he had waited to wobble as I was really enjoying the build up to Christmas which I haven't done in 20 years since my Dad died. I think he's scared to go to the hospital or even the chemist to show his tongue (as he had reconstruction he has half his tongue with the other half made up of arm skin) so he's embarrassed to show anyone apart from his specialist.  He just kept wanting me to look at it and I don't know what I'm looking at, to me it all looked ok but he was getting so obsessed with it that I took a photo and showed his sister just to see if he'd listen to her. She didn't say anything, just wait until the specialist saw him.

My hubby goes to see Mum regularly so always tells me how she's getting on. The carers have me on FB too so will message if she needs anything. They really look after her beautifully. It's just her dementia came on so quickly and I went from having her there and dealing with all my problems to having no one to turn to, just hubby and even he used to rely on Mum to keep me on the straight and narrow.

I've decided next year I'm going back to eating healthily again. I lost 8 stone a few years ago so I can do it again. My hypnotherapist is also going to help me with it, as well as deal with my agoraphobia as that's had me in it's grip for the last 5 years already and I don't want it to keep me prisoner in my own home. I want to get out and spend time having fun with my hubby. I did ask if a dietician could give me some advice but then got told that they didn't do phone consultations nor did they do home visits so I couldn't get anywhere.

Oh I used to help at primary schools when I left school and loved it but I think it would make me too emotional right now. This peri has got on top of me at the moment. I've been given Mirtazapine to try but I'm scared to try it as I have night terrors as they are, and they're supposed to make them worse.

It just feels like the last 2 years (pretty much since peri got worse) everything has caved in on me.  I too sit there watching him sleep to make sure he's still breathing too.  I was so brave when he went through the operation and did the treatment but it's like I've fallen apart and what with his negativity, I can't see a future anymore.  At least if he stopped worrying so much about it coming back then I'd at least be able to plan things ahead that we could both look forward to.

[puddlesmum]

Oh puddlesmum (Who is puddles?)

 

Puddles is my 3 year old Cocker Spaniel. He's gone from being a total nutcase who loved nothing apart from biting my hair, to a really loving little sweetie. Have him, another little black cocker girl (who we rescued from Spain about 2 months ago), a Brittany Spaniel girl (we rescued from Spain 3 months ago) and 3 oldies who have been with me for nearly 15 years.

I've counselling pretty much for as long as I need it as it's private and so far she's dealt with so much, got rid of my depression within a few sessions, my fear of Christmas, and other things that affected my childhood, but obviously with the hormones playing about we can't get that nailed with my subconscious.

If I could wave a magic wand, all I want is 1) for hubby not to worry about it coming back again and be happy again and 2) to finally be in menopause so I have no hormonal issues again.  I'm hoping with him going to see his specialist on the 2nd and phoning the counsellor I've found him on the 4th he can at least get himself straight so I can then concentrate on me and us as a couple.  Life after cancer is not easy and is incredibly scary.

[Stillsearching]

[/quote]

Puddles is my 3 year old Cocker Spaniel. He's gone from being a total nutcase who loved nothing apart from biting my hair, to a really loving little sweetie. Have him, another little black cocker girl (who we rescued from Spain about 2 months ago), a Brittany Spaniel girl (we rescued from Spain 3 months ago) and 3 oldies who have been with me for nearly 15 years.

I've counselling pretty much for as long as I need it as it's private and so far she's dealt with so much, got rid of my depression within a few sessions, my fear of Christmas, and other things that affected my childhood, but obviously with the hormones playing about we can't get that nailed with my subconscious.

If I could wave a magic wand, all I want is 1) for hubby not to worry about it coming back again and be happy again and 2) to finally be in menopause so I have no hormonal issues again.  I'm hoping with him going to see his specialist on the 2nd and phoning the counsellor I've found him on the 4th he can at least get himself straight so I can then concentrate on me and us as a couple.  Life after cancer is not easy and is incredibly scary.
[/quote]

Wow you have your hands full. Spaniels are gorgeous. When I have more time we'll have another dog.

None of us has a magic wand so you cannot stop your husband from worrying anymore than he can stop you, you can only manage your own worries. Wishing to get through the menopause won't make it happen any quicker. You're asking too much of yourself, setting yourself up for failure.  I totally understand your wish to help your husband by finding him a counsellor and sorting the specialist for him but he is a grown man. What do you think would happen if you let him deal with his own appointments? (Not a rhetorical question) He has the medical people around him that he needs and might feel more positive if he were in the driving seat. Have you asked him?

What priorities do you have that you can actually achieve not just wish for? Maybe the healthy eating is a good place to start? I've cut out sugar from my diet. It takes a bit of willpower for the first 4 weeks but after that it was easy.

I know how hard it is once you're rock bottom, there is no joy and you think it will always be like this but it won't. What I learned for myself is that my depression is worse when there is a big difference between how I want my life to be and how I think it actually is. I recognise unhelpful thoughts for what they are and challenge them to see if they are true. Generally they are not. It's taken me a long time to reach this point but with the right help you will too.

 

[CLKD]

Criky!  all those spaniels  - don't see many Brittany, there was one in our village in the 1990s that had been important from Canada.  We have 4 Cavaliers next door  and a cockerpoo the other side ..........

Eating properly can be hard work.  I have tried to up my greens - fortunately I love sprouts, broccoli, peas, all kinds of beans ...... as long as they aren't good to a pulp  .  Cauli gives me severe belly ache  .  We grow squash, pumpkin and beans - do you have a garden or would those dogs dig up the seeds as fast as you planted them?  R U able to get into the garden even if you can't go shopping etc.?

I've had problems leaving the house.  Wasn't even able to go into ur garden incase the neighbours wanted to chat then I would have felt trapped  .   OK again now, in fact, from someone who never thought that I would leave the house (1991/2) I can now, usually go out and about as long s I know that I can leave.  So no theatre for me.

All that grooming  - at least the birds will have plenty of nesting material 

[Roseneath]

CLKD - cud I just ask. Were you like that in your 20s and 30s (the anxiety not the bean eating!). I have found that since peri started traits that I had slightly when I was younger e.g. feeling nervous speaking in large groups or health worries, have got a lot worse. Before I would just ' get over' stuff more and not have the huge adrenaline surges or mini panics that I do now if I find the focus is on me. I had no idea whatsoever this was a part of ' the change'; in fact I always thought as I got older I would get more confident in myself! Big Doh.

[puddlesmum]

I totally understand your wish to help your husband by finding him a counsellor and sorting the specialist for him but he is a grown man. What do you think would happen if you let him deal with his own appointments? (Not a rhetorical question) He has the medical people around him that he needs and might feel more positive if he were in the driving seat. Have you asked him?

He would literally sit there and ruminate. He's very very shy asking for any help in anything although he puts on this big ol' macho man thing, but if I didn't search out these things for him, he simply wouldn't do it and would make me feel a whole lot worse, so I'm doing it purely to help myself as I can't deal with the negativity.  I only find the things out for him, he's the one that's got to make the appointment though.

Well I'm already pretty much sugar free, I only have raw bark honey in my chamomile or hemp tea these days at a push. I don't do dairy, and I've only done both those things since he went for his operation. So I'm already a little way there. I just have to knuckle down and not eat so much now.

CLKD: I certainly am able to get in the garden. I love my garden. If I could sit in it instead of the house all year round I would. Roll on Spring then I can get back out there. I have raised planters so they dogs can't get to anything and successfully grew 200 beetroots last Summer as well as the spring onions we've been using since October. I do love getting out in the garden, it's my favourite thing. It's the only thing that pulls me through Autumn and Winter, knowing that I will be back out in the garden as soon as the birds start singing.  I think if I could camp out there all year round I would, I really hate being inside.

Stillsearching: Well last night I thought I'd challenge the fears that I have in my head and when I evaluated it, they are indeed lies that my head tells me so I basically told myself that I wouldn't waste any time on it if it wasn't a true fact, and I keep telling that to myself today as the anxiety rumbles on. It seems to have helped me out a little, plus I text my therapist and she told me that I should listen to my recording which she first made me (I forgot I had it) so I'll do that before bed and hopefully that will give me a decent nights sleep as I haven't had one of those for a while.

[CLKD]

I had my 1st panic attack at age 3 so it has been a part of my make-up since: 4 me it was about feeling normally anxious B4 events, which would dissipate when I started what ever was causing the anxiety i.e. stage shows, singing, acting, orchestra competitions, music exams..  I would not eat much which helped keep anxiety levels down.

In later years the anxiety took over.  Even though I know the reasons for anxiety surges, the physicality takes over.  Rescue Remedy, relaxation therapy, hot baths have all helped ease symptoms but I need an emergency tablet 'as necessary'.

I too love my garden.  It's my go-to even if sitting, watching the birds and gold fish.  Though I don't sit still for long, there's always something to potter with 

[Stillsearching]

Stillsearching: Well last night I thought I'd challenge the fears that I have in my head and when I evaluated it, they are indeed lies that my head tells me so I basically told myself that I wouldn't waste any time on it if it wasn't a true fact, and I keep telling that to myself today as the anxiety rumbles on. It seems to have helped me out a little, plus I text my therapist and she told me that I should listen to my recording which she first made me (I forgot I had it) so I'll do that before bed and hopefully that will give me a decent nights sleep as I haven't had one of those for a while.

That's great well done. I still have to challenge thoughts sometimes but it's so much easier than it used to be. If a thought seems odd or unhelpful I check it out and move on.  It's a skill that needs practising like any other so keep going.


 

[Stillsearching]

I had my 1st panic attack at age 3 so it has been a part of my make-up since

That's interesting. How do you know that and do you know what happened when you were 3?

[CLKD]

Because I remember it happening.  I don't remember the causation but learned in recent years that we moved at that time.  From a family of 7 to 3 and my parents rowed constantly after  so when there are raised voices, the reactions remain.  Even now.