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[CLKD]

A sense of closure?

[cubagirl]

Funerals are closure for those left behind.  However, my only stipulation will be that it isn't a religious ceremony.  Having been at humanist funeral recently, it was much more personal.  When both my in-laws passed, the minister doing each service hadn't a clue about them.  Kept calling my MIL by wrong name, I nearly shouted out in frustration.  I behaved myself though.

[Dorothy]

Funerals are closure for those left behind.  However, my only stipulation will be that it isn't a religious ceremony.  Having been at humanist funeral recently, it was much more personal.  When both my in-laws passed, the minister doing each service hadn't a clue about them.  Kept calling my MIL by wrong name, I nearly shouted out in frustration.  I behaved myself though.

I think that probably depends more on the people taking the service than whether it is humanist or religious.  I've been to some church funerals where the minister had never met the deceased person - they'd never been interested in faith in their lives but wanted (or else their families wanted) a church funeral.  But I've been to others where the deceased person was a very active part of the church, and it really did feel like the church was their 'family' saying goodbye.  Any service, whether humanist or secular, that is taken by someone who didn't know the person is always going to feel impersonal compared to one taken by someone who was a friend.  I can understand that some people find it too hard to speak at their loved ones funeral, but I think it is important to try to make sure that the people who take part really knew the person.

[CLKD]

Most Churches/Chapels have long-term lay people who can take Services so when a Vicar hasn't been in a Parish for long enough to know much about the person being remembered, then the lay reader can act for the family.

[Dorothy]

The thing I find really odd is when someone will have nothing to do with a particular religious denomination during their lifetime, but want a funeral conducted by that religion and then the family complains that it's not personal enough -  I worked for a couple where the husband was an atheist, refused to set foot in the church and refused to allow the vicar into his house.  But he left instructions for a service to be held in the parish church!  I thought the vicar did incredibly well, taking a service for someone who had refused to ever have a conversation with him, but it can't have been easy!  And then the widow was complaining that the vicar was too impersonal...

[CLKD]

...... sometimes people clutch at straws towards the end  .

[CLKD]

Most Vicars are non-judgemental and would see if as drawing another Member into the folds of the Church as well as it being helpful for the family left behind.

[Dorothy]

The vicar in this case didn't have an issue with taking the service - I just felt it was unfair for the family of the deceased man to complain that the vicar didn't know him well enough, when the deceased had refused to speak to the vicar during his lifetime!  You can't have it both ways!

[Dorothy]

Guess so.  Who'd be a vicar?!!!

[CLKD]

Vicars don't have to accept a Service either, especially if the deceased hasn't stepped foot inside the Church/Chapel.  It's only in recent years that one had to be a regular 'goer' in order to be considered for marriage and burial.  One couldn't be married if one hadn't been Confirmed as well as attending to hear The Banns read - a friend went on my behalf 

[nearly50]

The vicar in this case didn't have an issue with taking the service - I just felt it was unfair for the family of the deceased man to complain that the vicar didn't know him well enough, when the deceased had refused to speak to the vicar during his lifetime!  You can't have it both ways!

Didn't the family speak to the vicar beforehand to tell him what to say? Think things must be different where I'm from as ceremonies take place in the crematorium rather than a church.

[CLKD]

That's a personal choice.  Some people go straight to the Crem., short service and away, others have the Crem. Service then go back to eat and drink ........ in busy areas it can be about fitting it all in to a time scale 

[nearly50]

That's a personal choice.  Some people go straight to the Crem., short service and away, others have the Crem. Service then go back to eat and drink ........ in busy areas it can be about fitting it all in to a time scale 

Ours might have something in the house but that's a bit old fashioned now, then the crematorium service, then a purvey (another good Scottish word) which used to be a full meal of steak pie but is now more likely to similar to afternoon tea. It is a bit of a production line at the crematorium with half hour services.

[CLKD]

..... ah the saying of words over the coffin in the Parlour? that room only used 'for best' 

Not for me I'm afraid, too much dust around .........