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[Annie0710]

Great post Annie. Glad you have finally found your Prince Charming, he sounds wonderful x

Thankyou Megamind, it's one thing after another during my meno journey and that man has adapted to everything x

[walking the dog]

Sap22 how are you feeling today? Did you contact Samaritans? There's also local crisis teams you can phone at weekend or go to a and e if you feel your a,risk to yourself xc

[sap22]

Your vaginal symptoms are unlikely to ease without appropriate atrophy treatment which your GP or Practice Nurse can advise on. 

With regards abuse - you have insight which is half the battle.  The Change can be tiring.  Symtpoms may arrive as a shock!  !  Do think about what YOU need and have a little list in your head about how you can get there.

Maybe start by walking away each time he belittles you?  Does he row or get nasty?  I would say i.e. 'I am walking into the other room because last year you said this several times but it hasn't altered my menopause symptoms, why do you think words would be able to over-ride a hormonal imbalance?'  Trouble is, my Dad would follow Mum from room to room ranting  . 

If you gain information as suggested here, you will have some preparation to act upon.  Give yourself a time scale which gives you hope, you may not be able to act on it but it keeps your mood 'up'.  The Change is impossible to over-rule as it's a natural part of a womans' life!  Various treatments can help symptoms ……. does he go to the GP with you maybe your GP could ring him to explain.

Remember too that we are capable of loving someone even if we hate how they are, what they say, how they act.  But we are not responsible for how they are, what they say, how they act - he is a big boy and should take control of how he is.  But if he is truly abusing you then he will 'never be wrong' and will always be able to justify what he is, what he says, how he acts.  Is he someone that, if you met in a Pub. tomorrow, a person you would want to be with ?  Do you feel safe with him? 

I supported a friend through an abusive relationship, I didn't like the guy from the first day I met him because he put her down in front of us, complete strangers.  No caring man would do that.  I watched from a distance and eventually after a few months she began to worry about his actions, including when he pulled her along the street by her hair!!!   It took 18 months after that B4 she walked away ……. sadly that was the end of our friendship as she had to move to stop going back to him.

Some people find that by making plans to leave in their head, that they become stronger.  That what is said matters less, they begin to see that maybe it is time to make changes and it gives them the strength to leave.  Does he hit out?

Yes... he is never wrong, but no physical abuse...Yes, I started not to bite in reaction to the comments or put downs... just walk away - good idea and trying not to come across so needy and wanting to please - just getting on with jobs today...re the vaginal symptoms yes menopause symptoms were a total shock...I am on HRT but also want to restart the vagifem when the vulvodynia has calmed....I think that's all I can do as well as moisturise, but the moisture is ok thank god. I also had a good chat with my friend yesterday who was saying similar things to you all which is interesting... I am very grateful to you for your input and to others for their support.

[sap22]

Sap22 how are you feeling today? Did you contact Samaritans? There's also local crisis teams you can phone at weekend or go to a and e if you feel your a,risk to yourself xc

Hi ... thanks for asking... I went to see a friend who is a great listener and gave me lots of good advice and insight such as those of you on this website. I do feel more empowered as a result of the support from this website and from my friend x

[sap22]

Hi Annie, and thanks for sharing your story. I recognise the put downs...but am not going to bite and am just getting on with things and not pandering to him today. I told him he could go and see a prostitute if that would make him  happy and that I just wanted him to be happy.  That way he can't complain I am not understanding and keep making the snide quips and comments... takes the pressure of me!!!  He is a recovered addict, so I think that with not having drugs, drink and smoking that sex is important to him as he gave up everything else 30 years ago. Family didn't give him much physical affection either.  He (and his sister) need to have that control.  I just need to get mine back!  I think if I can start doing a part time job (applied for something - not much sitting required!), then that might help me get some confidence back and take the pressure off me when he keeps saying I have no money, nothing.  Yet another time he says we share everything...

[sap22]

I am so sorry to hear about the bad time you are having both with HRT and you husband's unhelpful attitude and comments. I can only agree with what the others have said - that you do need some help here, and it sounds like that your relationship with him is crucial. His understanding of menopause and sympathy towards what you are experiencing would make a huge difference to how you are feeling and how you are able to cope with the changes in your body that are happening at the moment.

Regarding the HRT - if you are on a 100 mcg patch (high dose) and taking 100 mg Utrogestan orally on a continuous basis, then it may well be insufficient to keep the lining thin - hence the spotting and bleeding. Although this is normal for the first six months - it does continue beyond this time in some women, if the oestrogen/progesterone balance is wrong for them. Good that you are having a scan to see whether in fact the lining is thickening on this regime.

In your position - actually I would go back to a cycle if possible - at least then the bleeding should be predictable. You would take utrogestan 12 days x 200 mg orally every month. However eventually and especially if you use it vaginally you might be able to stretch the cycle ( to longer than 4 weeks) or reduce the numbers of days per month ( eg to 10) if you are under gynae supervision. That way at least you would have some time in the month where hopefully you will guarantee no bleeding and perhaps normal intimacy can resume. Progesterone also depresses sex drive anyway so I've read so having it continuously is not ideal.

Regarding intimacy - you might want to continue the discussion on private lives but there are ways to keep him satisfied and/or enjoy intimacy together that don't involve the full act - I'm sure I don't need to go into details (I won't!!).

Wishing you a positive way through all of this and please do not hesitate to post whatever you're feeling whenever you need to - there will always be someone here ready to lend a sympathetic ear.

 

Hurdity x

Hi Hurdity, I decided to reduce the patch back to 50mcg twice weekly (from 100). I wouldn't normally meddle with things myself, but thought its a lot of oestrogen and that might be causing the bleed xxx

[sap22]

I am so sorry to hear about the bad time you are having both with HRT and you husband's unhelpful attitude and comments. I can only agree with what the others have said - that you do need some help here, and it sounds like that your relationship with him is crucial. His understanding of menopause and sympathy towards what you are experiencing would make a huge difference to how you are feeling and how you are able to cope with the changes in your body that are happening at the moment.

Regarding the HRT - if you are on a 100 mcg patch (high dose) and taking 100 mg Utrogestan orally on a continuous basis, then it may well be insufficient to keep the lining thin - hence the spotting and bleeding. Although this is normal for the first six months - it does continue beyond this time in some women, if the oestrogen/progesterone balance is wrong for them. Good that you are having a scan to see whether in fact the lining is thickening on this regime.

In your position - actually I would go back to a cycle if possible - at least then the bleeding should be predictable. You would take utrogestan 12 days x 200 mg orally every month. However eventually and especially if you use it vaginally you might be able to stretch the cycle ( to longer than 4 weeks) or reduce the numbers of days per month ( eg to 10) if you are under gynae supervision. That way at least you would have some time in the month where hopefully you will guarantee no bleeding and perhaps normal intimacy can resume. Progesterone also depresses sex drive anyway so I've read so having it continuously is not ideal.

Regarding intimacy - you might want to continue the discussion on private lives but there are ways to keep him satisfied and/or enjoy intimacy together that don't involve the full act - I'm sure I don't need to go into details (I won't!!).

Wishing you a positive way through all of this and please do not hesitate to post whatever you're feeling whenever you need to - there will always be someone here ready to lend a sympathetic ear.

 

Hurdity x


Hurdity... just one question... until I see the consultant on 17 Jan, does it make sense to go back tot he 50mcg patch of oestrogen.... as when I was on that I didn't bleed until after the oestrogen was increased on 27 September.....

[Hurdity]

Hi sap22 - well if you think that was causing the bleeding then why not? However I can't remember now why you increased? Presumably it was because 50 mcg wasn't eliminating your symptoms? As I said the prog dose is probably not enough for the high oestrogen dose. There is also a 75 mcg dose because decreasing back to 50 mcg is a big drop. Could you cut a quarter off the patch so that you don't experience a sudden rebound of symptoms returning?

I do hope you are feeling better today...and feel able to resolve to get yourself into a better and happier place in 2017.

Hurdity x

[sap22]

Hi sap22 - well if you think that was causing the bleeding then why not? However I can't remember now why you increased? Presumably it was because 50 mcg wasn't eliminating your symptoms? As I said the prog dose is probably not enough for the high oestrogen dose. There is also a 75 mcg dose because decreasing back to 50 mcg is a big drop. Could you cut a quarter off the patch so that you don't experience a sudden rebound of symptoms returning?

I do hope you are feeling better today...and feel able to resolve to get yourself into a better and happier place in 2017.

Hurdity x

Thanks Hurdity... the oestrogen was doubled late in September because my menopause specialist thought the oestrogen level wasn't enough (136).  So she went from 50 to 100.  Also because my bladder was worse, so I thought it might be the progesterone. I don't know if whats causing the bleeding, but it's happened for the last month .  I am just worried about the womb lining thickness, hence I thought about cutting it in half.....

[Hurdity]

Hi again - yes sorry I do remember now (Christmas obliterated everything in my mind!). That is not a high level if in pmol/l - also depends when bloods were taken as levels do vary eg morning/eve or if patch was due to be changed etc? It would normally only be in the long term that over-thickening could be a problem re endometrial hyperplasia which is why some women have annual scans when on unconventional HRT - although I think sometimes women are scanned every 6 months if there are particular problems (eg needing to use a much lower dose of prog than recommended). It also seems that the oestrogen level at which women bleed is not predictable either - at least I don't think so - because of absorption differences (of oestrogen and progesterone).

If you are seeing your specialist soon then hopefully you will be able to cope (symptom-wise) until then.

Re all the other issues - how are you feeling today?

Hurdity x

[CLKD]

Christmas obliterated everything in my mind - Hurdity, what were you on and could I have some 

sap22 - I thought of you a lot over the weekend.  Now that you are taking suggestions on board, you are 1 step away from the put downs.  This is his problem, not yours.  Maybe he should go back to AA or associated support?  Put downs are a habit which continue when the abuser gets the response/s required.  How was he when you walked away?

[Hurdity]

Haha CLKD! Nothing like that - I'd like to have said a haze of magic mushrooms or something - but was only G & T, prosecco, sherry, wine, port, at various times and lots of food and family!!!  All gone now since yesterday (family, not food and drink - too much of that left!). My brain doesn't seem to work so well either these days .

(Sorry sap22 - I had to respond....)

Hurdity x

[CLKD]

After all that  ……. what was the question again ;-).

I read in a hospital toilet where to contact help for people being abused so that's one place to go if you need to seek info.!

[sap22]

After all that  ……. what was the question again ;-).

I read in a hospital toilet where to contact help for people being abused so that's one place to go if you need to seek info.!

Thanks CLKD and Hurdity for your responses.  I felt better yesterday, then last night heard him talking on the phone with a friend saying that he didn't trust me and thought I was using my condition to not work, that I buy all sorts of supplements on amazon and that I am self-obsessed.   Also that he heard me crying (howling) as he put it, and according to his ex wife, this was probably attention seeking!  Also that I do things I want to do but can't work. These things he is mentioning are not fun things, but things to help me heal, eg meditation/spiritual things and tai chi.  If I felt well I would do much more fun things like tennnis or dancing or meeting friends. I felt so angry but didn't show it... was cool, calm but inside really hurt, as he obviously doesn't understand at all.  With the vulvodynia I haven't been able to sit down comfortably and I only buy supplements I think will help me and my bladder and probiotics etc.  This morning I went to church (desperate!) and came away thinking that I must write a (polite) letter - no blame, but one that addresses each of these points and acknowledges his pain, and doesn't inflame things and I left it for him on the computer to read. I went to see my friend Ann again who has been really supportive and understanding, telling me to be strong. He wrote on text to me that he had appreciated the email but later said he knew it all already and that I probably underestimate his understanding!!  Also that it was good as I probably needed to do it!!  Of course he knows it all.... I had also suggested he look at the menopause matters website, but I know he won't as he knows it all.  He went to bed most of the day again with more pills, as soon as I come in the room to eat breakfast or lunch. I took a valium as it's so hard to deal with the bad atmosphere... he's watching football now and I lit a candle to change the energy of the room and we are polite and ok. I think he might go to a football match tomorrow, so that will give me a break from the bad atmosphere, as he looks so miserable and is obviously depressed. I spoke to his ex wife who called to speak to him, and who had put her two penneth worth in and was able to politely go through my side because I don't know what he said about me, apparently he didn't bad mouth me, but she thinks that my supplements are a waste of time and that I am no better. She who is a complete pill addict!!!  Point is, after church somehow it gave me the strength to put across my side to both of them in a way which wouldn't antagonise, and tried to acknowledge his point of view.  He is still doing the put downs but am ignoring... eg mentioned about me having no money again... His ex wife said he used to go to bed to hide away also, and even when she wasn't ill (2 years of gynaecological infection) so it's a bit like deja vous for him I think.  Anyway, another stressful day, but getting through it. Love to all and thanks xxx

[CLKD]

Interesting that he has an ex-wife!  Why did the marriage break up?  Do you get on well enough with her to meet for coffee and a chat to exchange view points?  I know of a couple of girls that did so, they both agreed eventually that the man wasn't good enough for either of them  - so he was divorced, twice …….. he had the same habits with both, same old, same old 

Take on board too that you R already stronger than you realise!  "This too will pass".  These types of men are good at the belittling and also good at being 'nice' at exactly the 'right' time ……… it really 'isn't you'! it's his bad habit.  He would be like it with any girl that he wants under his thumb!

Might I suggest a ring to sit on, like the kids used when they learned to swim?  I am sure that mobility shops have them along with a spare cover for washing.  That way the buttocks are supported but there is no pressure on the vaginal area.