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[sap22]

I posted a little while ago about the brown discharge I was having on continuous (now 4 weeks).  The blood has increased yesterday and having to wear a pad now which makes the vulvodynia worse as ****ly and uncomfortable. My husband asked me over the Xmas period how I felt about him seeing a prostitute....what am I supposed to say to that.
 I am thinking of just putting on half my patch as am having suicidal thoughts as well.  He suggests I am lazy and I am aware that I am of no use to him as I bring no money in as haven't been able to work, and can't give him sex.  I know there's nothing anyone can do, but just wanted to tell someone how desperate I feel inside and how I just want to leave this world.
I started HRT in June after being diagnosed with VA and other symptoms which improved. I was given Utrogestan continuous and estradot 50. Late September estradot was increased to 100 as the oestrogen level was not high enough (136). Then a month ago I had small amounts of brown discharge and it's continued since and increased to more blood. I think maybe the lining is now too thick, so am thinking of taking matters into my own hands and putting on a 50mcg patch tonight or halve the 100. I am not due to see the consultant until 17 January. I have a scan booked early january but don't know if I will tolerate it due to the vulvodynia.
My gut feeling is to lower the estradot tonight and until I see the new consultant... won't be able to get hold of the other one now..  Also, my emotions are all over the place about how useless I am. He's given me the job of doing the dog in the morning so that at least he feels I am "earning my keep" but I struggled to do that as was up during the night with itchy feeling over my body and bleeding.  I just can't talk to him about these intimate details as he's fed up with it, and feel so alone....sorry to be so negative when there's a new year ahead, but I don't want to go on with it really...

[nearly50]

It sounds like you're having a really difficult time sap22 and there's a lot going on. Please remember that the Samaritans are always available for you to talk to, or email if it is easier. They can give you the support you need, and others on here I'm sure will give you practical support too on HRT.

You say you can't see a consultant until 17/1, but can you see your GP for help with your mental health?

[Kathleen]

Hello sap22.

I am sorry to read that you are struggling so much at the moment. There are lots of knowledgeable ladies here who can explain the effects of your HRT and advise you. I just want you to know you aren't alone in all this.

My mood has been very low the last few days so I do sympathise. I've also used the Samaritans in the past and they helped me a lot. Don't worry about posting negative feelings, everyone here understands what you are going through and men of course don't really get it.

Sorry I can't be of more help to you but keep posting.

Take care and sending hugs to you.

K.

[Springer]

Hello, so sorry to hear you are feeling so low and not wanting to carry on. I sense you are wanting to do things to improve your situation though - hence asking for advice re meds etc. Some sense that you can see things could get better ? I do hope so..

Sorry, I can't be of much help with the patches, etc - no experience but I'm sure others will be along soon who can be of more assistance.

Please always feel free to share your feelings on this site. As well as being a way to express things that you may not feel able to with friends or family, it can be a big help to other users who will often relate to your experiences.

As nearly 50 says, please do talk to someone, especially if you are planning how you may act on the suicidal thoughts - GP, Samaritans or perhaps  a friend. I know that can feel scary but people do care about you and will want to listen to you. I'm guessing from what you say, your OH wants to help too, but is not quite sure how?

Above all, be kind to yourself and remember feelings do pass. They don't define who you are.

Hope some of this is helpful,

Kind thoughts and hugs 
s

[peri]

That's awful sap22 your husband clearly doesn't understand or struggles to empathise, either way has he looked at the section for husbands; peri/menopausal can be a major transition and he needs to know this.

Also have you considered changing your hrt as it may not suit you (have you ever felt well on this one), I only ask because estradot didn't work for me but evorel does.  I also find 50 is enough, if I try to increase I don't feel so good.

Finally, if you're really down I know some ladies on here also need an anti-depressant to get them through, although I don't like them personally I acknowledge sometimes there is a place for them in the short term, (as an extra though might I add not in place of hrt which should always be first line treatment).

I wish you luck, don't give up x

[sap22]

That's awful sap22 your husband clearly doesn't understand or struggles to empathise, either way has he looked at the section for husbands; peri/menopausal can be a major transition and he needs to know this.

Also have you considered changing your hrt as it may not suit you (have you ever felt well on this one), I only ask because estradot didn't work for me but evorel does.  I also find 50 is enough, if I try to increase I don't feel so good.

Finally, if you're really down I know some ladies on here also need an anti-depressant to get them through, although I don't like them personally I acknowledge sometimes there is a place for them in the short term, (as an extra though might I add not in place of hrt which should always be first line treatment).

I wish you luck, don't give up x

Thanks for the kind postings from you ladies .... no he hasn't read the postings for husbands... he just can't take it all either... he tends to take a nytol and sleep for hours which is where he is now.. in bed. I will consider Samaritans also. I expect there will be a change in the HRT in January, but I might just take it down to 50 for now... xx

[Hurdity]

I am so sorry to hear about the bad time you are having both with HRT and you husband's unhelpful attitude and comments. I can only agree with what the others have said - that you do need some help here, and it sounds like that your relationship with him is crucial. His understanding of menopause and sympathy towards what you are experiencing would make a huge difference to how you are feeling and how you are able to cope with the changes in your body that are happening at the moment.

Regarding the HRT - if you are on a 100 mcg patch (high dose) and taking 100 mg Utrogestan orally on a continuous basis, then it may well be insufficient to keep the lining thin - hence the spotting and bleeding. Although this is normal for the first six months - it does continue beyond this time in some women, if the oestrogen/progesterone balance is wrong for them. Good that you are having a scan to see whether in fact the lining is thickening on this regime.

In your position - actually I would go back to a cycle if possible - at least then the bleeding should be predictable. You would take utrogestan 12 days x 200 mg orally every month. However eventually and especially if you use it vaginally you might be able to stretch the cycle ( to longer than 4 weeks) or reduce the numbers of days per month ( eg to 10) if you are under gynae supervision. That way at least you would have some time in the month where hopefully you will guarantee no bleeding and perhaps normal intimacy can resume. Progesterone also depresses sex drive anyway so I've read so having it continuously is not ideal.

Regarding intimacy - you might want to continue the discussion on private lives but there are ways to keep him satisfied and/or enjoy intimacy together that don't involve the full act - I'm sure I don't need to go into details (I won't!!).

Wishing you a positive way through all of this and please do not hesitate to post whatever you're feeling whenever you need to - there will always be someone here ready to lend a sympathetic ear.

 

Hurdity x

[sap22]

I am so sorry to hear about the bad time you are having both with HRT and you husband's unhelpful attitude and comments. I can only agree with what the others have said - that you do need some help here, and it sounds like that your relationship with him is crucial. His understanding of menopause and sympathy towards what you are experiencing would make a huge difference to how you are feeling and how you are able to cope with the changes in your body that are happening at the moment.

Regarding the HRT - if you are on a 100 mcg patch (high dose) and taking 100 mg Utrogestan orally on a continuous basis, then it may well be insufficient to keep the lining thin - hence the spotting and bleeding. Although this is normal for the first six months - it does continue beyond this time in some women, if the oestrogen/progesterone balance is wrong for them. Good that you are having a scan to see whether in fact the lining is thickening on this regime.

In your position - actually I would go back to a cycle if possible - at least then the bleeding should be predictable. You would take utrogestan 12 days x 200 mg orally every month. However eventually and especially if you use it vaginally you might be able to stretch the cycle ( to longer than 4 weeks) or reduce the numbers of days per month ( eg to 10) if you are under gynae supervision. That way at least you would have some time in the month where hopefully you will guarantee no bleeding and perhaps normal intimacy can resume. Progesterone also depresses sex drive anyway so I've read so having it continuously is not ideal.

Regarding intimacy - you might want to continue the discussion on private lives but there are ways to keep him satisfied and/or enjoy intimacy together that don't involve the full act - I'm sure I don't need to go into details (I won't!!).

Wishing you a positive way through all of this and please do not hesitate to post whatever you're feeling whenever you need to - there will always be someone here ready to lend a sympathetic ear.

 

Hurdity x

Thank you so much Hurdity... unfortunately, I tried to explain it, but I feel what with the bladder problems in August 2015 and now this that he has had enough and probably won't want to read about it. Thanks for your idea about the sequential bleed... I only decided against one because of the vaginal problems and change in PH when bleeding happens, but it may solve the progesterone problem which irritates my bladder.  Unfortunately again I don't think he is interested in anything other than the full "act".  He has now overdosed on the Nytol type sleeping pills (taken 5) and just gone to bed for the day. There is an empty feel in the house and I feel desperate to turn to someone. I might go down to the Samaritans to see if they are open this afternoon.  He said he heard me crying in the lounge this morning, but didn't come to see me... it seems he just can't cope and said that if I wanted to go he wouldn't stop me if I thought I could find someone better or wanted to be on my own.  Although he reminded me that I have no money now and also nowhere to go when I asked him if he wanted me to go. He says he doesn't but I am not convinced - said he feels trapped in the situation.. he keeps saying how long my bladder and vaginal problems  have gone on for and how other people manage to work (I have problems sitting from vulvodynia) and because this morning I asked him to take the dog out because of a bad night of bleeding and itching over the body he was really upset, as we agreed i would do 5 mornings a week he sees as towards "earning my keep". I had hoped that if I wasn't well he would fill in, but it's not what he has in mind. I hope we can recover from all this, but although he supports me paying for consultants and acupuncture and supplements which is very good of him, he can't give the emotional support any more, but still maintains he understands.  He doesn't want to see me cry as it gets him angry if I seem ill again because we have lost hope and nothing to look forward to because we can't plan.  The dynamics are all very complicated...basically I need to put on a face and pretend everything is okay...

[CLKD]

I haven't read the responses but he is abusing you.  Trying to 'keep you down' by insisting that you are useless: you aren't! : that you need to take care of the dog 'in order to earn your keep'.  Sorry but you need out of there taking dog with you if necessary.

Do contact a Womens Shelter for advice.  Go to your GP ASAP and explain what you have told us here, he/she may well have details about somewhere safe for you to go.  There may be details in the Surgery waiting room, on line or in the Library.  Do access info. sooner rather than later.

Personally if a man said such things even once, he would be OUT THE DOOR!  This time of Life is known as The Change, for lots of reasons. It can arrive as a shock even when women are aware of the words, because the physicality can be so different to the simple fact of periods stopping.  I wonder if his response to you is recent or whether in the past you have bowed to him due to his putting you down?

Take some time out to decide what *you* want: where do you want to be next week, in 3 months and 6 months time?  Sort out your finances and what you would need to take should push come to shove.  Don't let him suggest that he 'doesn't understand you' - he's got an English tongue in his head, he can go ask his GP or speak to other men 

Although he reminded me that I have no money now  - this is typical of a man wanting to keep his partner under his thumb, the constant drip feed of 'useless', 'no money', 'no one else would put up with you', 'others manage to work' - well on the latter, he knows does he?  He talks to women in a similar situation to see how they cope? he talks to their husbands/partners to see how often the 'earn their keep'?

You are worth a little bit today and 2-morrow a little bit more ;-).  Stop listening to him and gain strength from contacting the appropriate agencies, Samaritans should be able to give you details of who to contact.  I believe there is an adult form of Childline ? ……… make a double appt. with your Practice Nurse or GP and discuss treatment to sooth the vaginal symptoms and how to find a way out. 

[sap22]

I haven't read the responses but he is abusing you.  Trying to 'keep you down' by insisting that you are useless: you aren't! : that you need to take care of the dog 'in order to earn your keep'.  Sorry but you need out of there taking dog with you if necessary.

Do contact a Womens Shelter for advice.  Go to your GP ASAP and explain what you have told us here, he/she may well have details about somewhere safe for you to go.  There may be details in the Surgery waiting room, on line or in the Library.  Do access info. sooner rather than later.

Personally if a man said such things even once, he would be OUT THE DOOR!  This time of Life is known as The Change, for lots of reasons. It can arrive as a shock even when women are aware of the words, because the physicality can be so different to the simple fact of periods stopping.  I wonder if his response to you is recent or whether in the past you have bowed to him due to his putting you down?

Take some time out to decide what *you* want: where do you want to be next week, in 3 months and 6 months time?  Sort out your finances and what you would need to take should push come to shove.  Don't let him suggest that he 'doesn't understand you' - he's got an English tongue in his head, he can go ask his GP or speak to other men 

Although he reminded me that I have no money now  - this is typical of a man wanting to keep his partner under his thumb, the constant drip feed of 'useless', 'no money', 'no one else would put up with you', 'others manage to work' - well on the latter, he knows does he?  He talks to women in a similar situation to see how they cope? he talks to their husbands/partners to see how often the 'earn their keep'?

You are worth a little bit today and 2-morrow a little bit more ;-).  Stop listening to him and gain strength from contacting the appropriate agencies, Samaritans should be able to give you details of who to contact.  I believe there is an adult form of Childline ? ……… make a double appt. with your Practice Nurse or GP and discuss treatment to sooth the vaginal symptoms and how to find a way out.

I haven't read the responses but he is abusing you.  Trying to 'keep you down' by insisting that you are useless: you aren't! : that you need to take care of the dog 'in order to earn your keep'.  Sorry but you need out of there taking dog with you if necessary.

Do contact a Womens Shelter for advice.  Go to your GP ASAP and explain what you have told us here, he/she may well have details about somewhere safe for you to go.  There may be details in the Surgery waiting room, on line or in the Library.  Do access info. sooner rather than later.

Personally if a man said such things even once, he would be OUT THE DOOR!  This time of Life is known as The Change, for lots of reasons. It can arrive as a shock even when women are aware of the words, because the physicality can be so different to the simple fact of periods stopping.  I wonder if his response to you is recent or whether in the past you have bowed to him due to his putting you down?

Take some time out to decide what *you* want: where do you want to be next week, in 3 months and 6 months time?  Sort out your finances and what you would need to take should push come to shove.  Don't let him suggest that he 'doesn't understand you' - he's got an English tongue in his head, he can go ask his GP or speak to other men 

Although he reminded me that I have no money now  - this is typical of a man wanting to keep his partner under his thumb, the constant drip feed of 'useless', 'no money', 'no one else would put up with you', 'others manage to work' - well on the latter, he knows does he?  He talks to women in a similar situation to see how they cope? he talks to their husbands/partners to see how often the 'earn their keep'?

You are worth a little bit today and 2-morrow a little bit more ;-).  Stop listening to him and gain strength from contacting the appropriate agencies, Samaritans should be able to give you details of who to contact.  I believe there is an adult form of Childline ? ……… make a double appt. with your Practice Nurse or GP and discuss treatment to sooth the vaginal symptoms and how to find a way out.

Hi CLKD and thanks for all your input.  I just got back from a friend who said something similar ie he is putting me down to be in control and that's why I feel worthless as well as the physical problems.  I do buy into it, have done in the past, and bow down to him... I am ashamed to say it, but I do act co-dependently and that's what he wants. He has been good to me and paid for all the consultants and supplements etc, but I keep being reminded of it....I am not to blame... it's just the way things have panned out in life.  Re the vagina... I have nortryptaline and have that in reserve, but am trying acupuncture first.  I use V-magic at the moment to try and use it in the vulva as a barrier.  Other than that a bit of valium helps!  Not sure what else... think the doctor will only suggest pain killers.  I will see what happens on 6th January re the ultrasound and whether they can see anything using a pelvic one rather than the transvaginal, but they may not.  Thanks so much for taking the time... and also to others who responded
xxxx

[Suzanne1967]

Hey ... listen

I can't give advice on hrt or menopause 😬 But CAN give advice on domestic abuse as used to work voluntary as a nurse and counsellor to abused women and children

And ... he is abusing you ! Totally agree with CLDK .. but it's hard very very hard

You need ring someone Samaritans Domestic abuse team ... take that first step ... Break the chains !

I'm so so sorry you are in this situation but you CAN take control back you CAN !

I've been there and I did it but it wasn't easy and yeah it was 18 years ago but by god I did it ...

I'm struggling at mo but we have to support each other I get so much support off here 😉

Have you children x

[Annie0710]

Hi Sap

I can't help either with your hrt but can relate to your home situation

My first husband and father to my kids mentally abused me our entire 17 year marriage.  If I didn't keep up with his sexual desires he ridiculed me, even in front of my parents and brothers.  He would never tell me I looked nice, even when others were always telling me.  At 36 and after the sudden death of my mum I called it a day on our marriage, as I walked away he asked where he went wrong and I simply replied it'd be quicker and easier to say the good things.  He said he'd been like that so no one else would want me! All these years on and that man, although getting back with an ex within weeks of me leaving and still with her, still badgers anyone who will listen about how much he loved me and how I broke his heart, his loss not mine

I went from him to another relationship too quick, this man showered me with love, wanted sex all the time (my sex drive was good so kept him happy), but it became apparent that in his mind we will go halves on everything, he matched my earnings in our joint account which meant I had nothing left yet he had lots to spend on himself.  He wanted constant gratification from me for all he provided.  Within a year he became physically abusive too. I left after 7 years after he tried to strangle me in a drunken rage because he felt his friends fancied me.  He fractured my cheekbone and I still have the scar of him thumping my arm with a diamond ring on

It was only after I left that everything he stood for made sense.  He thought he owned me

I'm the happiest I've ever been now after 7 years in this relationship, he's a gentle giant, doesn't shower me with love but makes me feel loved and is a diamond, there was a phase during this meno I couldn't work and he didn't once mention it and still I bought things for myself.... that's love.  Our sex life is in the drain because of meno yet he reassures me he's with me for me, not what I can do for him sexually

I'd been a doormat my whole adult life where men are concerned, now I don't have to be.  I know 100% the first 2 men would not have stayed with me during menopause, I wouldn't have satisfied their needs yet this one has even proposed! He only had 2 years of me where hormones didn't wreak havoc

You are worth so much more than this.  But I also know you can't do anything until you are ready, various times throughout those hellish relationships people would say I should leave but I wasn't ready, but each time I found the inner strength I ran like crazy

Xx

[CLKD]

Your vaginal symptoms are unlikely to ease without appropriate atrophy treatment which your GP or Practice Nurse can advise on. 

With regards abuse - you have insight which is half the battle.  The Change can be tiring.  Symtpoms may arrive as a shock!  !  Do think about what YOU need and have a little list in your head about how you can get there.

Maybe start by walking away each time he belittles you?  Does he row or get nasty?  I would say i.e. 'I am walking into the other room because last year you said this several times but it hasn't altered my menopause symptoms, why do you think words would be able to over-ride a hormonal imbalance?'  Trouble is, my Dad would follow Mum from room to room ranting  . 

If you gain information as suggested here, you will have some preparation to act upon.  Give yourself a time scale which gives you hope, you may not be able to act on it but it keeps your mood 'up'.  The Change is impossible to over-rule as it's a natural part of a womans' life!  Various treatments can help symptoms ……. does he go to the GP with you maybe your GP could ring him to explain.

Remember too that we are capable of loving someone even if we hate how they are, what they say, how they act.  But we are not responsible for how they are, what they say, how they act - he is a big boy and should take control of how he is.  But if he is truly abusing you then he will 'never be wrong' and will always be able to justify what he is, what he says, how he acts.  Is he someone that, if you met in a Pub. tomorrow, a person you would want to be with ?  Do you feel safe with him? 

I supported a friend through an abusive relationship, I didn't like the guy from the first day I met him because he put her down in front of us, complete strangers.  No caring man would do that.  I watched from a distance and eventually after a few months she began to worry about his actions, including when he pulled her along the street by her hair!!!   It took 18 months after that B4 she walked away ……. sadly that was the end of our friendship as she had to move to stop going back to him.

Some people find that by making plans to leave in their head, that they become stronger.  That what is said matters less, they begin to see that maybe it is time to make changes and it gives them the strength to leave.  Does he hit out?

[am#]

So sorry to read what you are going through , you deserve to be happy so try and be strong and prepared to get through this ,have a good think about what you want for your future and always remember theres lots of things to live for ,i'm sending lots of hugs as you have seen you have lots of support on here xx

[Megamind]

Great post Annie. Glad you have finally found your Prince Charming, he sounds wonderful x