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[Night_Owl]

Does anybody have any tips of how to get through the Christmas period, dealing with a very miserable, grieving father (who has had a lifelong, negative, "glass empty" attitude). 

He announced in October that he was "dreading Christmas more than ever this year". 

Long story short: my mother died in 2014, my father had poor health and then suffered a stroke in May this year - things have been very difficult for him (and myself and my partner).

How do you stop yourself being consumed by your parent's misery? 

I attempt to set boundaries (a joke, as this never works) with him and divert his negative dialogue/attitude and point out some positives - but to no avail, it's a lost cause, he just wants to complain and moan forever and for me to be the compliant "listener", absorbing it all.  I can only take so much as it brings me down so much, it takes a while for me to recover after every telephone conversation and visit -  often I snap at him then feel consumed by the Guilt Monster -  a horrid, vicious circle ...

[babyjane]

  Could there be a physical cause like depression that could be treated?  He sounds depressed.  Does he see his GP for a check up, could you encourage him to talk to the GP.  Is there one in your practice he trusts above others?

[Pennyfarthing]

I don't think there's much you can do .... my late MIL used to be like this. We just used to carry on as normal and try our best to chivvy her along and try and get her tiddly  often helped. 

I think there are a lot of people who feel like him and the day just has to be endured.  I have a friend who hates Xmas because she has no siblings, no children and no parents. Her and her partner just get through the day and are glad when it's all over.   Best of luck !

[CLKD]

PF - suggest to your friends that they consider volunteering at an animal shelter/OAPs/homeless charity?  That's what I would do if alone.  It has to be planned 12 months in advance apparently.  Himself and I don't have any expectations except togetherness  so when we could spend C.mas here without interruption …… it was great!  It was the first year we had stayed here and it snowed: hard : so we wouldn't have got anywhere anyway 

How long do you have to endure Night_Owl?

[getting_old]

Unfortunately I think some people are just like that. My mother was always very negative and critical of others and she tried to encourage me to be the same, however I escaped from her and have learnt that there are other ways to be, but it's still hard at times as it was ingrained from a very early age. I understand exactly what you mean about the phone calls so when she used to phone me I put her on the speaker, did something else and just mumbled when she paused for breath / seemed to expect a comment. It would have been too draining to actually listen to her.
As far as a Christmas visit is concerned I would arrange to do things like go for a walk, out for lunch, take a drive, visit a local village / town / stately home / garden centre / etc.

[Dana]

Nightowl - I understand having a parent like that. My mother was always a very negative person. Nothing ever made her happy and whenever I was around her I always felt like she was sucking every single positive thought and feeling out of my body. I did things for her out of obligation and guilt rather than because I actually cared.

Unfortunately there really isn't much you can do to change him. My mother was on all sorts of medications to supposedly help her depression and anxiety, and quite frankly I think it only made her worse, because then she was dealing with the effects of the meds.

Don't make an issue out of christmas day, even ignore the whole thing if you want to. Why do we "have" to do something on the day? Just let the day pass without feeling you have to jolly him into it. I think everyone puts far too much pressure on people to "enjoy" christmas.

When my mother passed away almost 2 years ago it was actually a huge relief for me, because I simply don't do christmas day anymore. I enjoy the lead up to it, and I'm out socialising nearly every day for about 3-4 weeks, but then as far as I'm concerned it all ends on christmas eve. Christmas day is just another day to me, and I have no plans on going anywhere or doing anything this year.

I don't have any family to speak of. I do have a brother who has grandchildren, but I rarely see him and even though I have a standing invitation to go to his place for christmas day breakfast, I'm not comfortable being the "spinster aunt" who has to be invited to his family's thing because people feel bad that I will be spending the day on my own. I don't feel sorry for me. I like my own company and I've had a very busy month leading up to christmas, so I'm more than happy to have some alone time. 

[Annie0710]

I've been in this situation. My parents were married 48 years when my mum died suddenly in the oct. 

They'd gone everywhere together and we were worried sick how he'd manage emotionally and physically plus he was on the list for triple bypass.  Anyhow he went from grieving husband to that "Daddy" from 'keeping up appearances', he was literally chasing any female who had a pulse.  It was very difficult for us to witness as we'd only known our parents together but we decided it wasn't fair to judge.  When we closed our doors at night that man was all alone and sad, and so we'd give opinions on the different women he met.  He's phoned me late at night asking me to contact one of them asking if she'd consider getting back with him or another time that life wasn't worth living with no one to love etc.  My heart bled for him but I had no experience to help him just to listen and tell him to keep trying for company.  Xmas was never a problem as he carried on going to Spain to meet people there that mum and him used to at Xmas

we got 9 years with him like this (he usually had a girlfriend) and was at his happiest travelling round England and Spain but it was the between times he got very low so we just encouraged him to do the things that made him happy whether we morally agreed or not

X

[Taz2]

My mum made Christmas special but my dad never really got into the swing of it. When I was young I never realised of course as he did make a good job of joining in. After my mum died in the September he really didn't want to partake in any Christmas activities so that was what we did. We visited him (he was 150 miles away) in the week leading up to Christmas with some extra goodies etc. and then left him to it. We had a good heart to heart a few weeks before and once I understood that he really didn't want a Christmas then everything was fine. Neighbours popped in to make sure he was ok so that we weren't so worried and he just spent it like any other day. He died a few months later so that was his last Christmas. Quite nice to think that he spent it how he wanted to rather than having to force himself to try to be jolly for family.

It's difficult to step back sometimes because we tend to still see our parents as they used to be but, to be honest, there might not seem like there is much to celebrate if you are old and frail - so many memories of happier times must surface.

Taz x

[Night_Owl]

A big Thank You to All for your wise words and comments - and sharing your experiences, can relate to all that you've said.

"Dana - I understand having a parent like that. My mother was always a very negative person. Nothing ever made her happy and whenever I was around her I always felt like she was sucking every single positive thought and feeling out of my body. I did things for her out of obligation and guilt rather than because I actually cared."

Dana, absolutely spot on with your comments, such wise words.  How fab not to have to "do" Xmas anymore.  And yes obligation and guilt - he absolutely drains me after every telephone conversation, every visit - it has got to the stage where it really takes me time to recover from the negative onslaught and I wonder for how long I will be able to cope in the future.

It really is a time of year to be endured - it's the third Xmas without my mother and each one has got progressively worse.  We will be with him (2 hour drive away) for 3.5 days.

BabyJane - yes, he has lifelong (unacknowledged by himself) depression and anxiety (long story) - GP has recommended grief counselling and anxiety/depression counselling and meds which he has refused.

Annie, I do actually wish he would find a "companion" - he very much has an eye for the ladies and always flirts with women, including nurses (while I stand by cringing).

I have to accept that there's nothing I can do to cheer him up - it's just being in that atmosphere that is so difficult.

[CLKD]

So why go?  Does he cook for himself?  Could you not stay in a motel close by, even at this late stage, that's what I did when my Mum's naracisstic behaviour became over-whelming.  That way you all get a break. My excuse was my anxiety …… also she had a man living there for a while 

My Mum was very anti-everything for years.  I got so that I would tell her that someone was at the door …….. she was so engrossed in her moans and groans that she didn't even notice  .  Your Dad probably doesn't 'see' that there is anything wrong with him, so habitual is this moaning!

My Mum eventually got so that she will only ring me on a Monday morning.  It narked originally but now it suits both of us.  She can vent for 30-40 mins., then asks how we are B4 ringing off.  Could you instigate this in the New Year Night_Owl.  It really is less draining.

[CLKD]

Did U cope?