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[CLKD]

My Mum reaches a large '0' birthday soon.  Earlier in the year I sent a text to my nephew (late 20s) to see if he and/or his brother were planning to visit their Gran around her birthday.  Reply was that he and my sister were going, didn't know about his Dad and brother.  A few weeks later I wrote to my sister to suggest that Mum doesn't deal with surprises 'at her age' and had she any plans for a visit ……. sister replied that she was going to 'land' on Mum: that is, 3 large men plus assorted girl-friends and dog/s.  As Mum had asked me and Himself to go (she doesn't 'want any fuss') I wrote back and asked my sister where she thought they would all sleep ……. 'taking into account that I will be in 'my' bedroom'.

Silence for a few weeks.  Mum let slip on the 'phone that my sister is now taking over a colleagues rota ……… and "I have told her that she should work, she's got 2 sons who need support."  I feel that my sister should have told Mum that, as we and husband are going that she and the family will visit at a later date, what's it to do with Mum what her work rota is?  ?

I think that my sister wanted Mum to say "Oh do come, it's my special birthday" …. so my sister has set herself up for disappointment : again : as I know that Mum would never say that.  So now my sister is of the opinion that Mum wants me there but not her, her husband and children! 

Mum phoned me last week to tell me how she wants to spend her 'day'.  We will go over for 3-4 days and she wants us to take her out and about.  She also suggested that his brother and wife join us at the Hotel we go to for meals ……. so Himself sent an e-mail telling his brother: the reply was "We might not be able to go out for a meal as we will be fishing".  I was furious as I had to tell Mum who is not only disappointed, but thought that she has offended his brother and wife.

This morning his brother phoned and in the course of conversation to my Husband: "We may come to the meal after all."  My reaction would have been 'too late'!

I try to avoid my sister and his brother because both seem incapable of considering how their responses are likely to affect others.  I spent hours awake last night, chewing it over 

[Dancinggirl]

Family politics - really dreadful in any family. It is quite normal to revert to childish or adolescent behaviour when it comes to family events.  I have had to back out of any planning these days - far too stressful.

I think you are giving everyone too much leeway. I think the only way to sort any kind of celebration is to tell people what is being planned and give them a deadline to say whether they can come or take part in some way.  Those invited should speak to the person who is celebrating the b/day and explain why they can't attend etc. - you shouldn't be the go between.

Don't stand for any ifs or maybes - state clearly that they all need to sort out their own sleeping arrangements and your mother doesn't want any surprises or too much fuss.  Your mum also needs to know exactly what you are prepared to do - don't take it all on yourself - you'll only take the blame if others spoil things.
Good luck  DG x

[cubagirl]

I agree with Dancinggirl. Positive plans, with deadlines.  Doesn't always work, but if you give folk too much leeway, you won't know who will be there, who won't etc.  Tell relatives meal is booked at certain time & final numbers are required.

[CLKD]

Mum has given Himself and me our 'orders'  .  She is quite depressed about this big '0'  .  She has received a gift from my sister who is probably in a 'huff' about not carrying out the surprise visit: however, as she rarely goes to see Mum anyway ……..

If his brother even hints that they had other things planned when we meet up I will JUMP!  I envisage Mum telling him 'It's nice that we can all get together" and him replying with "well we were going to ……. " - I will ask "Do you want a Medal for being here then?"

[Ms Saucy]

So frustrating.
My mother died 7 years ago at 67, my father I haven't seen in years.
I have just the one brother older than me......he is awful, dropped my like a brick after my son died.
Now I wouldn't have him in my life if he came begging- chances all used for this lady to progress to happier times.
Xx

[CLKD]

I avoid my sister and his brother ......... we simply are not on the same wavelengths.  I can't understand how people can have a friendship with a brother or sister ..........

[Two hoots]

I avoid my sister and his brother ......... we simply are not on the same wavelengths.  I can't understand how people can have a friendship with a brother or sister ..........

I didn't get in at all with my sister when we were growing up but now she's my best friend  it's been a difficult time for her since my Brother in Law died suddenly 2 years ago.  I'm the eldest and feel very protective towards her, and try to include her in days out and holidays, we have family holidays when 7 of us go, mum and in laws, to lots if people it would be hell but as long as we are all healthy we have a good time, it all started when my son was young and being the only grandchild on both sides we used to go to static caravans in France, each family had one - we are not that close  we all got along and its carried on for 20 years. Now we've moved on to cruise holidays and still enjoy each other's company, I've not been tempted to push someone overboard yet, but you never know 

[CLKD]

But not cruising to Norway this week 

His family used to visit us for 2 weeks every year when we lived near the coast.  When we moved in-land, we didn't see hide nor hair >phew<

[CLKD]

In our case a bit of all that.  As well as Mum supporting my sister in everything she does even when she was picking on me so that eventually I retaliated and got blamed  .  No one dared to challenge Mum ........ so my sister is used to getting her own way and throws a hissy fit if anyone suggests that she is abusing me.  I've seen grown men cry because of my sister's attitude 

[CLKD]

I don't have a grudge.  She's simply not a nice person to be around, she wouldn't be someone I would pick as a friend and nope: I have no need to move past what she has said or done/not.  Promises broken - one only kicks me in the teeth once though she got away with several attacks ....... sometimes literally. 

Hummdinger - What has being the eldest got to do with it, you sound like my Mum  .  "You are the oldest, you should know better".  Nope, it was the adults around that failed us both  by not putting a stop to her antics ........  she made promises that she never kept, she said some nasty things about me to Mum so that I got the blame for issues I wasn't anywhere near .......... she had new clothes when I had to make do simply because she threw fits of rage if she didn't get her own way  . 

[CLKD]

You are assuming Hummdinger without knowing me or my family situation  .  I am not resentful. I watch my Mother and my sister and can see history repeating itself. 

It isn't 'left over' from any time at all, as her habits still continue, un-checked; so I prefer not to engage. Assumption can be dangerous as I have found. 

[marge]

When family relationships work, they are fantastic.  But when they don't, I always feel it's worse than merely not getting on with a friend, neighbour or work colleague.  Such things run deep.

[Two hoots]

If your sister has always got her own way through tantrums and bad behaviour, why would she change. Your parents were wrong to give into bad behaviour, my dad would never have stood for it so I didn't try.  As a child you push the boundaries, in my household tantrums didn't get you anywhere 

[CLKD]

Hindsight tells me that Mum had total control which caused Dad to lose his temper often ...... it was always 'don't upset your father' so I stayed quiet.  My sister would kick off as early as 8 months old, occasionally he would step in but child rearing was seen as a maternal issue.  I remember 1 particularly incident when she bit the back of my neck because she wanted a toy of mine and I wouldn't give it, so he picked her up sharply and stuck on a pile of toys  .   At that time I had a set of heat bumps on the nape and she bit into them 

I don't believe that siblings should be made to share unless the toys are for joint use.  That was my toy given to me but she knew she could push buttons, however Dad caught her in the act.  I don't remember any fall out ........

[CLKD]

I opened a case late last night that I brought back from Mum's property at C.mas.  In it were 3 letters from my sister to Mum: Sept. 2018, Oct 2018 and Nov 2018: thanking her for the 'nice letters I received' ....... yet my sister has insisted that she hasn't had anything from Mum for 18 months  .  I have had text messages in which she stated that she 'would rather be ignored by Mum' 

That's a subject that I won't be going into again.  I don't think neither she nor Mum knows when they are telling lies