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[Woofers]

Hello everyone

I'm not sure if I should post this here or in another section, sorry if its in the wrong bit.

Before you read this I want to say that I really thank you if you get to the bottom of this essay, it has taken me a long time to reach out and write what I have below so I appreciate anyone reading it all.

I went into surgical menopause in approx. 2004 after having a salpingo-oophorectomy, since then my life has been a mess.  I call this my hell.  My mother and sister both died of Ovarian Cancer and I was advised to have a hysterectomy as I was found to have a raised CA125 and the risk of me getting ovarian cancer was high as I had not had children and had bad endometriosis.  At that time, I had horrendous periods, had endometriosis and had been through an unsuccessful IVF cycle 5 years previously so when my sisters gynae oncologist strongly recommended I have a hysterectomy I felt it was a no brainer.
 
Now I deeply regret that decision and feel I have ruined my life, I made that choice and wish I never had.
 
It's nearly 12 years on and through that time I have:
•   Put on 9 stone
•   Lost all of my confidence
•   Had hot flushes and continue to do so
•   Been on HRT, started for the first few years and was told by my GP that I would still need to go ‘through' the menopause when I came off them so I figured I would come off them and go through it then rather than delay it
•   Not had a good night's sleep
•   Cried many tears
•   Thought about suicide a lot
•   I fly off the handle at the smallest thing, snap at my husband, am unrealistic about my expectations and have thrown things across rooms
•   My memory is shockingly bad, I have to write everything down as once it's gone it's gone!
•   I constantly worry, grind my teeth and have anxiety

Before my operation I was super confident and outgoing, I knew my own mind, I was funny, I made friends easily, nothing fazed me, I never worried about anything.  I was a coper, I was the person my friends turned to for advice, people said they admired me, I was always described as confident, I didn't take any cr*p and stood by my convictions. My husband and I rarely argued, I never snapped at him.

Now I feel a shadow of my former self, I hide away because I am so fat and sweat all the time, I hate the way I look, I hate what I have become.  I'm embarrassed.

I had my operation and about a year and a half later my sister died which hit me very hard, we were very close.  I have never been sure whether I couldn't cope with her death because of how I was not handling the menopause or whether I wouldn't have coped anyway.  She had a full hysterectomy on top of her ovarian cancer and all of the surgery, pain and chemo she was having, she was such a fighter and didn't complain.  I can't even deal with the menopause.

For around the last 10 years I have not been on any HRT thinking anytime soon the hot flushes would go away (I was told it might take 10 years) but they haven't gone anywhere.  They wake me up in the morning and are the last thing that happens at night, without fail I can be nodding off and will have a hot flush which wakes me up.  I have gotten into a habit of being exhausted before I go to bed in the hopes I will sleep better, I stay up until 2-3am until I am falling asleep on the sofa and then go to bed. 

Before every hot flush I feel sick, this has continued from day 1, I get a feeling of panic and sometimes I feel my heart is racing, then comes the heat, always starting around my neck, that's the hottest part and then it radiates all over.  I sweat on my foreheat, upper lip, small of my back, behind my knees, crotch and inside of my elbows every time.  I roughly have around 20-25 hot flushes a day.

I recently went to see a GP as I am not coping well and wanted to talk about HRT, she said I wouldn't be able to take HRT as I am a smoker and asked if I would consider giving up.  I said I would however I knew I would put even more weight on (I have when I gave up before) and that was the only reason I wouldn't want to stop smoking.  I also have slightly raised blood pressure – no wonder really!  She suggested taking Sertraline, an antidepressant, which she said has been known to help with the menopause and said that I might have a slightly dicky tummy but no other side effects.  I picked up the prescription and then read the leaflet inside and then went online to read more about the drug.  I haven't taken it yet and don't think I want to, there are many people online saying the drug gave them really bad night sweats (I am thankful I don't have those currently) and that they had very bad stomach ache, also it increased the risk of stroke which worried me so I don't want to take them.

It had taken me a long time to go to the GP as my experiences of HRT previously were not good and then she said I couldn't go on HRT and I don't want to risk a stroke with Sertraline so feel I am no further forward.  I am really struggling to cope, am crying a lot. My husband doesn't know what to do anymore, one minute I am OK and the next I am either shouting or crying.  This can't go on.  I feel like I have ruined his life too, I'm not the woman he married and sometimes feel he would be better off without me.

I know that a lot of ladies will be going through or have gone through the same things I mention and I'm not the only one to be having a hard time.  Some might say just get on with it and I get that.  I have tried that for the past 12 years and things have not gotten easier, they have gotten harder for me. When I was on HRT I felt like a zombie, I had no emotions, not happy, not sad just flat and I didn't like that feeling and was hoping that HRT had maybe moved on in the last 10 years and gotten better and they may well have.  I don't know what to do to be honest, I would really appreciate some advice please.  I don't know if there is something out there that could help me, that maybe there is a simple solution that I have missed. 

My sister lived in America and I saw her gynae oncologist when I visited her one time.  We discussed my health history and given my sisters cancer and that my mother had already passed away of Ovarian cancer he said I should have my ovaries removed.  When I came back to the UK I asked to have a salpingo-oophorectomy instead of the investigative surgery that was scheduled as I had a raised CA125 and enlarged ovary, the hospital did not want to do the operation at all but I insisted I wanted it dne.  I was scared and thought it my only option.  They suggested not having a full hysterectomy and instead having a salpingo-oophorectomy and if I wanted the full hysterectomy to come back later in the year.  I never understood why they suggested I come back, the main thing was having my ovaries removed.  I did later have a microwave ablation as I continued to bleed heavily after the operation.  I sometimes feel that I am being punished for making the choice against advice by the hospital, as if they would now say ‘we told you not to do it, it serves you right', that's honestly how I feel.

In moments of clarity I think I may have saved my life by having the operation, who knows.  Sometimes I think I would rather have taken that risk as the last 12 years have been hell.

Thank you for reading, I have rambled on I know, sorry it was so long.  Thanks for any advice you can give.

[Dawncam]

Good Lord hon, you've had enough! We've all experienced, to some extent all of your symptoms, but not continuously for 12 years! It's time to get help, for you and for your marriage. HRT has changed somewhat since you last took it and it sounds like you're really in need of, at the very least, another shot at it.

Understandably your GP is anxious re. Some of your health concerns but you may be able to reach some compromise by agreeing to VERY regular monitoring until you get some of the other issues under control. Have you tried a vape? Apparently they're great and stopping ciggies may be enough to let your GP go ahead and prescribe. Or you could ask to be referred to specialist meno clinic as they tend to be more clued up on preparations to fit individual women.

You must stop punishing yourself; you did what you thought was the best thing in the circumstances. It's time to start living your life again.

Good luck and keep reading and posting - there's lots of brilliant advice on here xx

[Taz2]

Brilliant post Dawncam.

I agree with everything Dawncam has said. You shouldn't have to suffer like this. As regards the side effects mentioned in leaflets - try not to read too much of these. The manufacturers have to list every possible thing.

Transdermal HRT will be the way to go. Either with patches or, if you can get your doc to prescribe it, the oestrogel. The dose is tailored to suit you and is absorbed really well. Someone who knows more about this will be along soon I am sure.

You may well find that you do need HRT plus an anti depressant as your mood is so low and, again, there are different types to try. 

Taz x 

[Janice68]

Hi Woofer, please don't beat yourself up you have done the best you can and with the acknowledge you have had. I can relate to parts of your posts!
You have been given some good advice from the other women so far.
I had been a heavy a smoker all my life I went down the NHS route for this but as Dawncan as said try the  vape I've heard good things about that!
I've been smoke free now for a year and a half now.
There are other ADs out there I get on really well with cipramil and at a low dose and also triallinganother Ad for my sleep. Pls don't Google I used to do that! I now trial meds out because we are all different and effects us differently what works for one maybe not for another.
Im not on hrt due to side effects and I've tried many my dear. But it might help you as the others have said ie gel or patch route!!

 
Keep posting and be kind to yourself
Janxx

[Dancinggirl]

Hi and welcome to MM woofers - what a horribly time you have had 

You have told us a great deal but not your age?

It sounds to me as though you need an holistic approach.  Others have given you some great feedback on this thread.
Given you family history I think you probably made the right choice in having the full hyster, particularly because you were suffering with endometriosis which can become worse in the peri meno stage - so you may have not only saved your life but also a lot of pain and health problems from excessive bleeding etc.

The impact of a full hyster and being plunged into post meno following surgery, is greatly underestimated and ongoing support and care following this procedure is very poor generally.

I believe treating you with HRT now is possibly not wise unless you can give up smoking and loose a bit of weight - although with careful monitoring you could give this a try especially if you are under 50.
I think your GP does have the right idea, as trying an AD/SRRI could possibly help. Do look at this link on this site: http://www.menopausematters.co.uk/prescribed.php

If you do internet search on anything you will always find the horror stories - sadly few people doing well on a drug will report the benefits!!! The medical profession wouldn't usually prescribe these things unless they knew they might help.

I am 60 and still suffering with meno symptoms and I went to see a specialist gynae privately for more balanced advice.
I have been trying the Utrogestan with Oestrogel HRT combo (I still have a womb) but the side effects were frankly too much hassle at my age - so I am currently trying to cope without full HRT.  However, he did stress that he has many patients who can't use HRT, for all kinds of reasons, who do very well on SRRIs like Citalopram.  As others have said it is worth giving these drugs a go as they could well help.

You need to rebuild your confidence generally - I have had some very challenging times and suffered depressive episodes.  I had a year of CBT counselling which was very helpful and have now adjusted my lifestyle in a way that enables me to cope with the meno better.  This has not been easy - it requires discipline and strength but I think by laying out your struggle here on MM you are on your way to getting your life back together.

Don't try to achieve everything at once:
Maybe give the Sertraline a go?
Have a good look at your diet to see if you could loose some weight as that would make you feel a lot better?  Perhaps join a slimming club?
Brisk walking is the best exercise - I do a lot of this as it really lifts my mood.  Maybe get yourself a pedometer to encourage you to walk more?
Giving up smoking is a no brainer - has to be done.
Ask your GP for CBT counselling - it can be really beneficial but does need to be worked on.

Finally keep posting on MM - we are here to support you.
Dg xxxx