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[Tempest]

I think there could be a little bit if autism in all of us, CLKD!

My son is actually very high functioning AS. He specifically has Semantic Pragmatic Disorder and has managed to complete an Engineering degree, but on an emotional and 'life skills' level, he doesn't cope at all well. It's kinda tough being menopausal around him as I have to hide a lot of it when he's around as he picks up on emotions very easily now as he has had to learn to 'read' people's emotions as opposed to this just being an organic part of his development. Things of an emotional nature throw him very easily! This in turn then triggers his 'autistic' behaviours such as needing order more intensely.

As he's now an adult, pretty much any support outwith of education has dried up, and in any case my DS hates a lot of fuss and strangers so we just try to get along as best as we can the 3 of us.

I didn't realise you used to 'tread the boards', CLKD! How marvellous!! I'd love to know more about your adventures as a thespian.

(Yes, I know that's a belly dancer, but it's the nearest emoji they had. Unless there is something you want to tell us).....

[CLKD]

 

I was in several School Shows, I played various instruments whilst growing up and was advised to go to the Royal College of Music - but I'm too lazy and fell in love instead  .  I continued with various stage shows until I was mid-20s and don't remember the anxiety about it that I suffer now.  I would never consider applying for parts these days, also, being meno-brain, wouldn't remember the scripts anyway  .  Loved it at the time especially some of the costumes.

Well done DS!  I too hated if my parents were upset about anything, really shook me emotionally = nausea.  A raised voice even now can trigger anxiety    ………

I worked in a secretarial/support role for a few years for the NAS  .  I also can't add up or take away, which probably has along name 

[babyjane]

I think there could be a little bit if autism in all of us, CLKD!
 Things of an emotional nature throw him very easily! This in turn then triggers his 'autistic' behaviours such as needing order more intensely.

This has struck a chord with me Tempest, not wishing to detract from what you have said about your son.

For certain when I am emotionally challenged I crave order and can become quite OCD until I feel the world has stopped rocking. I have always thought that I am 'wrong'' in some way but I am learning now that I am just me 

[Mary G]

Tempest, thanks that is much clearer now.  So you have had a full hysterectomy including removal of ovaries, how long ago was that and have you ever been prescribed testosterone?  When did Professor Studd write the prescription (has it expired?) and how many pumps of gel did he prescribe?

It would appear that there was a misunderstanding because you should not have been prescribed Utrogestan, you don't need it.  If you feel desperate and would like to try it, there is no reason why you can't take the prescription to a pharmacy and purchase the Oestrogel and Testim from them but obviously you don't need to buy the Utrogestan. 

Under the circumstances and provided you are not allergic to the gel, would it be worth a try?  At least if you try it, you will know whether or not it works and if not, then you can rule it out in future.  Obviously you don't need to rush into any decision now but it might be worth bearing in mind. 

[Tempest]

Thank you, Mary G. I had my TAH when I was 36, and my ovaries kept chugging along until I was 44, and then I entered peri. I had my BSO last April aged 46, and this has been my first attempt at HRT.

Tbh, after my recent 'do', I want to hold fast until I can get some specialist input. I'm still very shaken by it all, and am trying to bring my stress down a good bit too, although obviously the hot flushes and night sweats are dragging me down too so ideally starting HRT asap would be beneficial. I've also just upped my antihistamine prescription again too in case there was an allergic element to what happened. I had actually reduced it below the level that I was advised by my Anaphylaxis Consultant, and probably shouldn't have done! It is known that ERT raises histamine levels , and as I have a huge problem with this in relation to medications I think it wise I err on the side of caution for now.

[Tempest]

Oh blimey!!! Please talk me down, ladies if you can. Having a rotten day today with gnawing feelings of doom and anxiety after a good day yesterday.

I've got so much stuff going on in my head today as we approach the new week, and I'm really stressing about it all. I'm thinking a lot about whether my GP is actually going to do anything regarding chasing the Consultant, and also re-running over in my head about when I saw her last week, and how I didn't feel good about some of the things she said during the appointment. Things such as 'I MIGHT let you use the Ovestin that the Consultant has prescribed you', even though she knows I am getting very dry and terribly sore down below. Her reasoning was 'well, we don't want another episode with HRT like the one you've just had, do we'? Also, when i tried to speak about another HRT, she said 'I think you need to slow down, don't you'? I really think she is treating me like a naughty child. She also said that as I 'had already tried two, I'd give up'!!!! I had to correct her and tell her no, actually I had only tried the Estrogel.

I don't think she understands how going through peri for 3 years, and surgical menopause for over a year without HRT has impacted on me mentally and physically. She also kept referencing that I should now 'work with mental health services and concentrate on that'.

And that leads me onto my next worry. I didn't mention last week, but the 'support worker' who came was not what I was expecting. She was 19. I know this, because she told me as her phone kept ringing whilst she was in my home, and it was a bridal shop asking her about fittings for a bridesmaid's dress. She actually spent most of the time telling me how she is going to be a bridesmaid for the first time at 19! She seemed very inexperienced and nervous, and I knew for sure she was a 'rookie' when the CMHT phoned her to ask if she was ok. She said they were checking on her as this was one of her first home visits. She wants to come again this Thursday. I don't want her to!

It's all making me feel a bit hopeless, I have to admit. I've tried staying chipper, but it's grinding away at me as we approach the working week again.

I also flat out refuse to take the Zopiclone that the GP prescribed for sleep - the increase in my antihistamine has actually helped me to sleep a little better, but it's not great. And I also don't want to take any more diazepam. I am thoroughly fed up of just being constantly sedated.

Sorry for the moans and groans, ladies.

[CLKD]

You moan away.  I would be tempted to see this young girl as arranged and tell her on arrival that her mobile phone remains in her car!  .  I would also ask if the mobile if provided by the NHS to be used in work time or whether it is her own. For goodness sake, we managed without mobiles 

Mum had this problem with 'carers' that visited Dad in his last few months, they would keep answering their phones, well in this house, that doesn't happen!  "You are here to see me and not carry on with private conversations", should put her 'right', in  fact in your case, I would be reporting this private use to her Supervisor.  I don't go with the 'they need to contact me at all times' as she can ring in between clients from her vehicle!!!

No one can concentrate on providing a 'service' which is why they are visiting with clients, if they have one ear not the phone.  So you are quite entitled to nip this in the bud: your home, your Rules! 

Are you able to change your GP, you may have already said but meno-brain here  .  Is there a Practice Nurse that you could talk to about your symptoms.  I would be phoning the Consultant during the week to explain that his advice has been refused, "where do I go for help next?".

I would be inclined to go back and say "I might like to try Ovestin if I could find a GP who would prescribe what the Consultant suggested", GPs forget that they are GPs because they weren't clever enough to become Consultants 

If I get a few nights without good quality sleep I use anti-histamines or sea sickness tablets ;-).

[Tempest]

Thank you, CLKD! I know I shouldn't let age be a factor, but honestly. When I mentioned to the young lady that I was experiencing surgically induced menopause and couldn't sleep mainly because of night sweats, she just looked uncomfortable. And then a bit bored. I don't think she could get out of here fast enough! She was also half an hour late (which isn't unusual for NHS home visiting staff, so I've been told). But this left her exactly 20 minutes to speak to me AND head back to the office at the end of the day. I could tell her mind wasn't really on the job (especially with her phone going it's dinger)!!

Oh, this GP has a diploma in Obstetrics and Gynaecology, and says she is 'up on women's issues'. She is also pretty young. I think she thinks we ladies of menopausal age are all just whining crazy old bats looking for a last stab at youth! She also kept saying that 'the menopause for you, is probably nearly over anyway'. Hubby's face was a bit puce when we left! Even he knows from his covert visits to MM that this is not true. He's really good, that lad! It really is shocking how clueless GP's are about menopause!

[CLKD]

Her Obs and Gynae Diploma is that, a piece of paper.  Unless she takes an interest in womens' problems, it ain't going to do her any good except a bit more money in her wage packet! Her time will come 

Tell her, "You are no where near 'up' on my problems so listen carefully, I will say this only once" - bet she wouldn't get that either    (or does that date me ). 

[Annie0710]

My heart really goes out to you Tempest, if anyone needs help and needs it quick, it's you

And I totally agree with your concerns, I wish we could have all our consults with women older than us who've had a crappy menopause or at least professionals who know someone close to them who has, I think the offers of help would be with us

I see a well woman nurse now, she's testing me for testosterone but is governed by a team of gps and none of them know me, and they move the goal post each time I get close to testing
Would these gps leave their wives be with zero libido ? I think not lol
I doubt they'd be happy leaving the surgery and their meno wife hadn't cooked dinner, and her hairs a mess because she's got no energy and the house is a tip

You fight for your rights, you've been hit hard by hrt giving you this reaction , it's not fair you're not being given a chance of trying something else

And your anxiety ? I think most of us would be feeling anxious in your situation so don't beat yourself up, you're still normal but with a scary episode you're still coming to terms with

Sending you a big sloppy smacked of a kiss

Annie X

[Tempest]

So just after tea, I'm sorry to say I had a huge meltdown emotionally. Hubby insisted I phone the out of hours psych. team for a bit of support. I spoke to a very nice man called Tam, who I have to say really listened and took everything on board.

After listening to me blubbing for over an hour, he said that in his opinion I was suffering from complete mental exhaustion and that he didn't think I should 'keep getting bunted on mental health as I clearly have physiological issues that are impacting me very badly mentally'. Now HE gets it!!! So WHY can't my GP grasp this? He said he was so sorry that he couldn't do anything really to help, but he said he was going to email my GP to tell her about our discussion, and that my physical issues are now impacting on me very badly mentally. And that in his assessment, he thinks this needs addressing urgently to prevent a serious mental health crisis. He is also emailing the psychiatrist I saw to tell them this too.

I told him that despite trying everything including diazepam, I just can't get any sleep as it's interrupted by the severe night sweats and I have to get up to change sheets and night clothes and to go to the toilet frequently due to urinary urgency. I am struggling to walk as I've developed excruciating pain in my left hip and knee joints that painkillers just won't touch. I even told him that I'm now almost unable to bear even any water on my bits down below as they are red raw (showering today was a nightmare)! And the constant, constant anxiety and sudden terrifying 'feelings of doom' that can last for hours on end.

I also told him that I didn't want to use Zopiclone, and he was able to check that I'd been prescribed it and commented 'good grief! Your GP has prescribed 10mg! It's usually 3.75mg in someone who uses it occasionally. If you had to get up in the night on that, I'd be seriously worried about the risk of a fall'!

I also told him that I have been thinking about suicide, as I really don't have any quality of life now and feel as if I am just 'existing' although I have tried to 'put a brave face on it' recently, my thoughts are becoming darker and I can't bear to think of living like this much longer.

He also said that if I don't get anywhere soon with some help from my GP apart from being parked on sedatives, that I am entitled to ask for a second opinion. And that I can call them anytime if I feel desperate in the night and that they can even do a home visit if I need one.

I apologised to him for putting all my problems onto mental health services, but he said it was no problem and that he thinks I desperately need someone to take responsibility for sorting my hormonal issues out, as well as psychological support as I am now so low.

I really wish I could just pull myself together somehow, as I have read so many stories on MM of women who are having a much tougher time than me. I just don't get it. I thought I was stronger than this! I never believed that this could bring me so low emotionally and physically. If I found some hope somehow, I could muster and try to carry on but I've been asking for help now for 17 months and like the guy on the phone said 'you be just been going around in circles and getting nowhere'.

[CLKD]

Stop!  You are what you are.  Your problems are yours, in your face all the while.  Don't think that anyone is 'worse off' than you are!  These feelings are what you are dealing with.  Do you feel like dying or do you want to sleep until it is sorted?  That was what I felt, I wanted to 'sleep until the pain went away' because depression 4 me was physical as well as mentally tiring.  As well as being scary!

If you could pull yourself together you would do so - put that out of your list of wants immediately  .  If you had 'flu or had broken a limb ………. the guy to whom you spoke earlier is right, trying to find help and advice is tiring  .  I used to think that tomorrow would be better so that I became lower and lower; now I know that once I start that spiral that I MUST contact my GP or up my AD dosage for 7-10 days.  Now that I am 'better' I am more aware of my brain's requirements  so supporting that area up there: out of sight : is important.

Worrying about not sleeping makes it a vicious circle.  What bed-time routine do you have?  I find that my bubble bath with Very Good Book and a cuppa helps, on the nights that I don't drop off I do crosswords or read.  Relaxation therapy helped years ago as did having the radio on low in the night.  My mind would whizz with all the chores waiting to be done  but I didn't want to disturb the household by getting up to do them ……

   this too will pass.  Sometimes 'existing' is a way of the brain shutting down to get some rest, I would spend hours each afternoon dozing on the settee, at the time I felt that I was wasting time but in retrospect, it was my body telling me to *rest*!  I really believed that I would never go shopping again; would never go for long walks with Himself; would never look forwards to stuff - but gradually I improved.  Now I take half a day at a time, I try not to look too far ahead or my anxiety levels rise - if I have to plan ahead I do so earlier so that I get a few days respite between planning and having to attend what ever it is!

Your GP doesn't get it because he ain't listening!!!!

[Annie0710]

Tempest you desperately need to replenish the hormones you are missing, in the early days I thought I had dementia, with all my new symptoms I didn't like the thought of living to an old age, I had the b12 issue going on too but also my own hormones were being a complete bitch to me too, not sure whether they still are or I am becoming numb to them, possibly a bit of both and I'm nowhere near where I want to be ailment-wise

This is 2016 and so totally wrong that you are suffering like this

Thank god you have your team to call on to reassure you that you are not going mad, keep reminding yourself that hormones are doing this to you honey

Annie X

[Tempest]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Not just from me, CLKD and Annie but from Hubby too. I have just read your replies to him too. Your sage words and advice are helping both of us so very much. I think CLKD, that I just need to 'exist' for a little while longer. What you said there really struck a chord - I think this is my brain telling me that I need to rest, and slow down so that I can regroup myself again. The guy on the phone said 'I can really hear the exhaustion and despair in your voice. That's why I'm going to take some time when we get off the phone to put together a couple of emails'.

The Out Of Hours Psych Team are actually not my direct area as they are in Glasgow, but I've phoned them twice now and I have to say they are absolutely marvellous. The last time they did do what they said they were going to do, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I spoke to some of the other patients about this when I was in hospital, and they all said that they are much better and have better trained CPN's than our local CMHT. The guy did say that he and his colleagues are not just 'desk CPN's', and have all worked for years as psychiatric nurses in hospitals before moving into their current positions. I think this counts for a lot. I definitely found the psychiatric nurses in the hospital I was in very briefly were much more tuned in to the patients than the CPN's I've come across at our CMHT so far (with the exception of the IHTT, who are all ex. hospital psychiatric nurses too). There seems to be a 'fast track' to the role of CPN these days which can be conversion training from social work with no psychiatric hospital nursing experience, at least here in Scotland. They now use the umbrella of 'key worker', which means that us as patients are never sure if we are actually getting a qualified psychiatric nurse who has experience, or someone who is actually just completed conversion training to move from a social work role. I think this is pretty worrying, personally.

Annie, yes! I know exactly what you're saying about feeling like I'm succumbing to early dementia sometimes. I definitely feel at the moment that I'm not steering this ship anymore. I'll keep trying to remind myself that the lack of hormones is what is making me feel so low and depleted. I think this is what those terrible 'doom feeling's are - running on a totally empty tank. The only hormone levels I got done were about 7 weeks into the Estrogel on 2 pumps and that was estrogen 125, and my testosterone was 0.6. I dread to think what my estrogen is now.......

Much love and many, many thanks to both of you for your kindness. It really does mean a lot. xxxxx

[MIS71MUM]

Hi Tempest
Some of the words you mentioned struck a chord with me. I felt I existed and went from day to day in a numb like state. I worried because I felt nothing. No happiness, no fun, no motivation, no energy, in fact just totally apathy but engulfing fear about what was happening to me.  But the worst was despair and terror that my thoughts created, it was awful.
My oestrogen levels were about 126 when I  started the oestrogel. are you going to request these are done again?
All I can say is hold on in there, I'm still here! Think the oestrogen patch and an antidepressant has helped, but more importantly being on here gives you so much support so you know your not alone.  I know it's hard, but keep on hammering on those doors of gp's or gyny's until you get what you need. I had to do the same it's hard and disheartening but you will get there one day at a time.  As CLKD once said to me, "baby steps".
You've been through a terrible ordeal, but when things get bad, there's only one way to go.... That's how I felt anyway.
Take care xxxx