Hello
I had to post because you sound exactly how I was a while ago.
I have always suffered with PMS, and had awful PND after my first baby was born. Just felt totally hopeless and despairing, and terribly anxious all the time. Luckily, SSRIs did help me, though. Eventually I made a full recovery and was fine for years.
Then about 4 years ago, I started to feel odd. Mid cycle I would feel totally stoned and dreamy. But then my PMS would kick in, much earlier now, immediately after ovulation and I would feel very flat and hopeless right through until my period finished. I was only getting about 10 normal days a month.
Then suddenly my periods started getting closer together (went from 28 day, to 24/25) and they were so much lighter, and a bit stop/start. Just like your's I think?
And that was when the awful low moods started coupled with intense anxiety. Just the same as you, it was just the same as how PND had made me feel, but this was more intense. I also started having insomnia (first time in my life) and waking too early at about 4am, filled with dread.
I thought I was losing my mind, it was so frightening. But then suddenly the awfulness would lift, and I would feel almost normal for a few days. But it was a constant rolletcoaster and I never knew how I was going to feel, from one day to the next.
All my bloods came back 'within normal range' for a woman in her early 40s. But like you, other women in my family had gone through the Menopause in their late 30s.
My GP agreed to start me on HRT, a 50mg patch with separate Utrogestan. But to be honest it didn't make much difference. Still getting normal days/weeks but then the awful lows and anxiety too. So I tried the BCP to try and shut down my cycle totally, but I reacted badly to the synthetic progesterone in it and it made me feel suicidal.
So I went back to HRT. Then suddenly at the start of this year, my symptoms got much worse. I thought I was going mad. The depression was so bad, and I just felt filled with despair. The anxiety was so extreme that I became terrified to be on my own. I ended up being signed off work, I thought I was having a breakdown.
Then I went to see Prof Studd. Initially he started me on 3 pumps of oestrogel with separate Utro. It helped a bit, but not enough. So he increased me to 4 pumps (he said that 3-4 pumps is necessary to combat hormonal depression and anxiety) plus testim gel, and within 24 hours I felt a difference. For 10 days I felt like the old me again. Calm, optimistic and outgoing. Then my period arrived and it all came crashing down again.
In desperation I saw my GP who suggested I added a mild SSRI to my regime. So I started on Sertraline, and within a day started to feel a difference.
That was 4 months ago, and I am in such a better place than I was at the start of the year when suddenly everything crashed down (like you this last month?). I still have a few bad days, but I cope better with them because for the rest of the time I feel so much better. I do notice that I feel more anxious mid cycle for 2-3 days, and again just before my period.
Last month I had a a nasty patch when I tried to syncronise taking the Utrogestan at the same time my own progesterone was rising in the week prior to my period. I felt dreadful again, I came home early from work and just sobbed hysterically. I panicked and saw a GP (a different one) who thankfully had an interest in perimenopause and she assured me that I was just reacting to too much progesterone (my own + Utro).
She advised me to try taking the Utro only every 3 months, and that because I still have regular periods (even though they're so light now) I am still producing enough of my own progesterone to protect my womb lining.
So, sorry for the essay but I wanted you to know that you are not alone, and I recognise everything you describe. But also wanted to reassure you that you WILL get over this. I strongly suspect that you just need much higher doses of oestrogen (a 50mg did nothing for me either). Prof Studd did my bloods and my oestrogen level was 703 (about 5 days before my period was due) and that was with using 4 pumps. So, it wasn't 'high' at all, he told me so. He said he has women with levels well over 1000! He also said that some women just need much more oestrogen than is considered 'average' and that I was one of them.
Now, I don't know if it was upping to 4 pumps which 'cured' me? Or whether it was starting Sertraline? Because I started both within 2 weeks of each other, I can't tell. But my new knowledgeable GP thinks it's a combination of the two.
So, as of now, I feel 95% back to my old self. I'm back to waking about 7am. I am back at work and enjoying it. I feel outgoing and positive again. My period is due tomorrow, and I can 'tell' because my heart rate is slightly faster, am getting a few palpitations and I feel a tiny bit on edge. But that's all, and it's nothing to how I have felt.
There have been times these last 8 months where I genuinely thought I couldn't carry on and I had some very black thoughts which terrified me.
I hope you get the help you need, and I hope my story gives you some hope, because I have been exactly where you are now.