Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[MIS71MUM]

From September 2015, my life went awry! I came off F2/10 in July and haven't been right since.  I've tried various AD's and stuck with my 3rd - duloxetine as I needed something.
Today when I am having a good day, I get totally terrified that i'll become an emotional, nervous wreck that was being "babysat" by her parents again.  I'll never know what caused me to meltdown; peri, lack of hrt, AD side effects or a combination of all of them.  But I know I never want to go there again.

I have now been on gel/patches for at least 2 months and still no proper bleed to speak of but will find out for sure in about 10 days. 

I'm glad I seem to be getting a run of good days now here and there - but still feel really, really petrified of my hormones creating havoc for me again - as it's totally of my control.  Some days I just think....what the h*ll just happened?  Is that just me?

[Milamam]

Hi Miss71Mum, I've been there, too, two years ago, and I don't want to look back. I like you don't know for sure what has cause my breakdown but it was awful, terrible place to be! The best thing is you seem on the road of recovery! Hold on to those good days - they will get more and more each month and soon you will look back and say: Thank God this whole thing seems to be over!!!  Upward and onward!


Milamam

[CLKD]

YEP!

[GypsyRoseLee]

Yes, me too. Most definitely. The most frightening aspect of my peri rollercoaster has been how little in control I have felt. Most days I have felt like I was falling down a bottomless hole, trying to grab at something, anything, but everything just slipping through my fingers. Just so scary.

In November 2013 I went from being a confident, capable, happy-go-lucky woman to a trembling, panicky, feeble wreak -suddenly scared to be alone, scared of the dark, scared of opening post or answering the phone. Just unrecognisable from my normal self.

Is anyone familiar with Conran's book 'Heart of Darkness'? Well, the last sentence in the book perfectly sums up my perimenopause 'The horror. The horror.'

And it has been horrific at times. I always thought that my PND was the lowest and most scared I could possibly feel. Well, PND was a walk in the park on a sunny day, compared to my peri anxiety/depression.

And the very cruellest aspect of it all is when you get to enjoy a few days of feeling just like yourself again. You feel calm, centered, able to smile and chat naturally. Life has some colour again and music sounds good. There's no discernible reason for this blessing of a few good days. And whilst you breath an exhausted sigh of relief to 'be back in the real world again' there's part of you that is terrified of falling back down the hole again. So you never fully relax and you never fully enjoy the good days.

I have made a private pact with myself. Once I believe myself to be 90% recovered I am going to have a ceromonial burning of everything that reminds me too much of The Horror. So I will burn my mood diaries. The cosmetic bag I keep my medication in. The very old, large, cardigan I wrap myself in when I fill chilled. The adult colouring books and pencils.

I never want to recall this time. Never.

[MIS71MUM]

Hi ladies

Thanks for your replies.

GRL - your 5th paragraph has summed me up to a tee today. Realised about 3.30 this afternoon that I haven't been ruminating, analysing or had anxiety. In fact, I've had an enjoyable day and had a laugh with my work mates....but on my shoulder is the black shadow of the last few months.

It's weird, a feeling, a smell, my GP surgery, a phrase...anything can take me back there.

I too will be pleased to see the back of my adult colouring book!

[MIS71MUM]

That's just reminded me of being afraid of the dark, fear of watching the TV/newspapers and fear of being with my own children - just awful.

Wish me luck -I'm about to start the progesterone phase of the patches for the first time.

[GypsyRoseLee]

Yes, the shadow is just a breath away. Sometimes my good day feels so fragile that I'm almost afraid to sneeze, in case it disrupts it.

Last night someone mistakenly rang our phone near midnight. Just a simple error, but it set my nerves jangling and I found it hard to drop off to sleep. Pathetic, really. I hate how vulnerable and fragile Perimenopause has made me feel.

I so miss having that sense of inner certainty and contentment. When (if) that comes back, I will know I have recovered.

Looking back, when I had PND, there was a point when I considered myself recovered. But with hindsight, it was another year later that I was fully myself again.

Right now, I am feeling better and it's probably due to the extra oestrogen + my AD finally helping. But I recognise the slightly synthesised sensation of taking an AD. I remember this feeling of slight emotional numbness, like my emotions are kept behind a thin pane of glass. It's infinitely better than the horrific anxiety and depression, but it doesn't feel particularly nice or natural.

Good luck with the progesterone, you will probably enjoy a really good night's sleep.

[Meg]

Yes, definitely feel a very real sense of being overwhelmed.  There is a real sense of being frightened of things which would never have scared me before menopause.  It feels very much as though I have lost the other happy more confident person that I was.  I have had a lot of stress factors since going into menopause but I know that I would have coped better with these before.  I know that the cause of all of this is the drop in hormones as my ovaries are less and less able to put anything into my bloodstream so to speak.  I feel that I have been robbed from the age of fifty when I finished periods and all of this fear and lack of confidence began along with the hot flushes, lack of concentration, tearfulness, nausea, depression etc.  Surely we women deserve some better advice and help if this is possible.

Meg

[Lizab]

All of this! I've been slowly traumatized by the whole experience. I remained optimistic and tried so hard to feel better and each time the horror popped up again I was beat down a little more. Now, if I look at my initial list of symptoms that took me to the doctor, they are for the most part resolved. But now I know how quickly I can go from feeling well to feeling terrible and I live with fear from that. I don't trust my own mind and body anymore. But you know, my mind and body survived it the first go round, so if it comes out of the shadows again, I'll survive it again and am surely better equipped to deal with it now. I hope I never revisit those times.

[CLKD]

Anxiety can over-whelm me = not eating, shaking, fear   

[MIS71MUM]

I would definitely echo the points made above.

1 - I no longer trust my own mind..but it's easier when I think of it being my hormones.
2 - Being on an AD sometimes feel like being a spider trapped in a glass.... And the rest of the world is going on around me.

[walking the dog]

I described how I feel to my gp by saying I was two pieces of glass stuck together very fragile and the panes had slipped slightly and are sitting slightly apart ! Sure she thought I was bonkers but its how I felt !

[GypsyRoseLee]

I told my GP that I felt like a very faded, photocopy of myself.

I have totally lost my 'sass and sparkle' according to my (American) friend.

[Meg]

You would think that with the huge numbers of women who are pretty well falling apart with menopause nevertheless trying to hold it together, GP's would have more of an understanding or is this too much to ask given the present pressure that the health service is under.  I know that some women are treated well and with understanding but there are others who dont get the understanding that they deserve and this makes things so much more difficult.

Meg

[Mardy]

I constantly feel over whelmed & that I can't cope.

Have had a lot happen since entering the menopause - like a badly written soap opera in many ways, but just feel that I am not coping, but blundering on not really functioning at all.

Living in the middle of no where in a half built house with a semi disabled OH doesn't help. And I don't drive.

I'm such a fool for letting things get this bad.