Have a hug. It is awful when you feel like that. I lost a lot of weight pre realising that I was peri and for a brief time felt really good about myself till all the stupid flushes and off the scale anxiety came along. I haven't gained ( yet) but still need to shift more but it is so hard when you feel rubbish and out of control physically and mentally. Try and enjoy your 50th- all of us have been changed by life so I'm sure no one will be judging you at all - my friends are all fatter, greyer, balder and so on but they are still the people I bonded with all those years ago and you are still you, despite the extra pounds. You could try cutting out sugar and carbs from your diet as that is what helped me lose weight without too much effort. X