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[CLKD]

I have got to the point when if I say 'no' I mean that - I don't then want to go into great long explanations as to why!

Anyone else fell that 'no' should be accepted without rigmarole?

Or is it that people want to know that they aren't the cause of my saying 'no' ….. that they haven't upset me or are the direct cause?  Sometimes Himself will start querying why I've been negative and I get quite ratty  "which bit of 'no' don't you understand?" 

[Joyce]

Depends on the circumstances CLKD. Do you accept it without explanation from himself?  Sometimes I think you need to justify it.

[Ju Ju]

What's up CLKD?

[Dorothy]

Depends on the circumstances.  I wouldn't push someone for a reason, but in some cases, I would wonder why they had said 'no' and if it meant they didn't like me!

[CLKD]

Nowt wrong thankfully - in my earlier years I would have 'why?' asked of me when I said yes/no.  Particularly from my Mother.  Of course a man should always accept 'no' as 'don't you dare'. 

Sometimes people don't' accept that I am actually meaning 'no', in that I don't want to stay for a cuppa ……. 'a quick one won't hurt' ……. I don't want to have to justify that I'm busy or anxious 

Himself and I discuss stuff but if he says 'no' ……

[Dorothy]

Ah, I know what you mean.  People mean well & they think they know best so they keep pushing.  I have a friend who keeps asking me to visit them for a short break.  I've explained that I'm grateful, I would love to see them at some point, but with my personal situation as it is at the moment, it's not a good time for me to take a break, so 'no'.  And they keep coming back 'oh, but it would do you good to have a change' etc, etc, etc.  It's meant so kindly, but it's actually adding to my stress levels because on top of everything else, I have to keep dealing with their repeat requests!

[babyjane]

I would like my decision to be respected and accepted.  Sometimes there is not a reason for my decision, it is just what is best for me at the time. 

As a chronic lifelong (slowly recovering) people pleaser I have always been a 'yes' person. watch out world, the worm is turning 

[CLKD]

> ducks <

Several years ago I dropped into a friend for a 'short while' and told her that I was unable to stay long.  She kept talking, saying 'one more thing I must tell you', she even followed me to the car and leaned into my opened window    .  I didn't call there until last week, that's a gap of 5 years  - 

[CLKD]

That same 'friend' is housebound following surgery and is 'on' at me to call in  .  Shan't.

Himself expects an explanation i.e. in bed if I say 'no' I am expected to write an essay to explain why not    .  Other issues seem to need more than a 'no' ……… I haven't snapped, yet 

[Dorothy]

I have found one way to shut up the 'you need a break' arguers.  I say "I can't manage to go away overnight, but what I would love is a WHOLE day to myself, so if you could just come in and stay with my mother from about 8am to 10pm, so I can have a real break, that would be great."  Funnily enough, they shut up about me needing a holiday after that. 

[Taz2]

Isn't there a respite club in your area Dorothy where you mum could go so that you could have a day to yourself? Does she live with you or do you have to stay at her house every day for that length of time?

Taz x

[Annie0710]

I seem to remember as a child (very happy childhood btw) being told no 'because I said so'

With my 3 children I believed they deserved an explanation and most times they accepted my reason especially if danger was involved

As an adult now I think I still give reasons for no to people , if my reason is personal and I don't want to share I'll give an excuse

Annie x

[CLKD]

'because I said so' was enough in those days probably 

[SadLynda]

> ducks <

Several years ago I dropped into a friend for a 'short while' and told her that I was unable to stay long.  She kept talking, saying 'one more thing I must tell you', she even followed me to the car and leaned into my opened window    .  I didn't call there until last week, that's a gap of 5 years  - 

I am dealing with the very same situation just now.  A 'friend' of ours (not that close, but we had been for dinner a couple of times) lost two close family members at the same time, all very sad and terrible leaving her pretty much alone, this was a few years back, we visited at her insistance once.. as I do not visit anyone that often I did say it would be a short visit and just an hour or so, nearly 5 hours later we were still trying to escape.. like you even whilst in the car.  Now I do feel very sorry for her situation, but.. I really do not want to spend 5 hours visiting anyone and she has asked us to go again to help out with an issue that can be solved via phone, which we have offered to do but no she wants a visit.  I have chatted via message and said sorry but DH is busy every weekend for sometime and we really cannot stay out late in the week as we are up very early, this has not been received well but as I am already at the beck and call of my family and work I really am digging my heels in this time, but at the same time I do still feel very guilty about doing so.

sorry for ramble, just interested its not just me.

[CLKD]

Maybe ask her if it would be helpful for you to find appropriate agencies to help solve her problem/s?  That way you don't need to engage face2face.  I simply won't go.  Been caught once, never again!  Part of me says 'well at least she invited you'  but anxiety raises it's head at the mere thought 

Drop the guilt.  These people haven't been in our situation so can't feel anxiety or the fear of anxiety as we do.  This particular person has friends in the village who she is in contact weekly so I really don't feel that I need to put myself into a potentially damaging situation!