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[Justjules]

Hi ladies, I'm a newbie - posted on the intro section but thought I'd give posting a go as I'm at my wit's end with myself.

Forgive the bit of a ramble - have read some of the other posts on health anxiety which have made me feel less of a nutcase, but I think I am now really going too far with all this.  I've always been a bit prone to hypochondria from being a child and was actually seriously ill in my twenties when I nearly died with peritonitis (long story) so that hasn't helped.  Over the last few years I have had:

breast cancer scare - recall from mammogram which was okay in the end;
water infection/blood in urine which led to investigations and convinced I had kidney cancer
then another breast cancer scare - again okay
always have heart worries as used to get really bad palpitations and am on betablockers but they don't bother me now
last December had to have bowel tests and was so convinced that I had bowel cancer - got myself in such a state that I even 'ran away' as I couldn't face it - what sane person does that sort of thing?  The tests proved negative, even though the symptoms were so real.

So, latest problem has been chest pain; mainly since I started a new job 2 years ago (I am a secretary but find it hard now typing and being hunched all day over a desk and am shattered when I get out of work).Have taken myself to a&e twice over them - once about 12 months ago and then again recently.  ECG clear but then read that ECGs aren't reliable and don't show 'blocked arteries' which of course, I think I have.  Now I am getting myself in a right state, which I know won't help, thinking about bypass surgery and angiograms and stents!!!  I had such bad upper shoulder and upper back ache through to my chest when I got back to the car last night - which is only a short walk - that I was convinced it was a full-blown angina attack and wanted to rush to a&e but when I got home, it passed off (another sign of angina....) and my son convinced me to just wait and get a Drs appointment and go and get all this nonsense checked out.   This is the very thing that I find so hard to do as of course, I am already envisioning myself being whipped straight onto the operating table in a bad way!  I am waking up in the night with 'pains' and panicky.  I've also had wrist pain, not muscular type, so of course, googled and that is also a symptom of heart problems in the arteries!!!

I just want to act like 'normal' people do in this situation - make an appointment and face the worst and just get on with whatever it is.....I can't live like this anymore.  I try to carry on at work as if I'm okay so that's a strain.  I try not to tell my poor Mum but ended up really upsetting her last night on the phone as I told her what was happening and she said "oh no, not again please" which made me feel an absolute selfish little 'b' as I know she won't have slept for worrying now.

Sorry, just needed to ramble and get off my 'chest' - forgive the length.  It just helps to vent.

Thanks.

Jules x

I promised myself that 2016 was going to be different but sadly, I'm still not putting into place my 'positive' mindset at all. 

as I drive them all made with my medical problems!

[Justjules]

Thanks Sparkle - it's so hard to sit here at work isn't it and put on the 'normal' face??!!  I am convinced I am now in need of some serious psychiatric help as the thought of living like this for much longer makes me seriously depressed on top of it all. I've had loads of counselling too - so I know it all in my head but can't put any of it into practice as I'm too pre-occupied with the symptoms catatrophising it all.  It's my 59th birthday tomorrow and I'm too depressed to want to even go out for a meal to celebrate it.  The way my stupid mind works is that I'll soon be off work recuperating from open heart surgery - well, that's if I survive the op of course!  It's not funny really but I have to try and laugh at myself or cry!

[CLKD]

You sound about 'normal for your age'  .  I think we reach a stage in our lives where every ache and niggle is something serious!  However, it rarely is and when faced with a diagnosis that leads to treatment, most people deal well with it.  I had breast disease treatment in the 1990s and survived.

Firstly - get your work station comfortable.  If you are working at a screen you are allowed a certain amount of time away from the desk every 2 hours.  Your Company is obliged to to make sure that you have a chair suitable for your job.  Your Company is obliged to provide free eye tests for long-term screen workers.  A few stretching exercises during the day as well as a walk is advice I was given as a typist.

How's your mattress?  How do you sit at night when watching TV?

Your GP could refer you to a Conselloer, someone to vent with rather than telling your family.  Actaully my family are the last people on Earth I would tell anything to 

My bowel kit test arrived the day before my birthday  thanks NHS  .  I will have it done, as I will continue having my eyes tested and smear tests.  What's the worst that can happen?

[Justjules]

Sparkle, I think it's an age thing as I used to be able to go to the Drs and think I could get something sorted straight away and a nice easy answer and now I know that it's going to be tests this and tests that and it all freaks me out as I can't see that it will be positive and something that can be sorted/cured.

Gosh, my OH and I would kill each other if we worked together....   He just doesn't 'get' anxiety, especially health anxiety and is sick of me 

[CLKD]

Is he 'sick of you' or is that your interpretation because you feel guilty.  Has he put your fears into words?

Don't project!

[Rebelyell]

You have my every sympathy.   My HA started about 18 months ago and I have gone from tooth out fears [one out but rest saved!],bowel issues, ovarian cancer scare, heart issues, etc, etc.   Any little symptom and I am off and running. 

But - I have tried to attack it rather than live with it.  I took up yoga and go twice a week.   I keep busy - adult colouring books are my latest craze, and keep going out to be with people.  Being with others takes my mind away from my anxiety and that helps as I realise that my symptoms are psychosomatic as they aren't there unless I think about them.  For me CBT hasn't really helped as it involved a lot of paperwork that actually made me spend too much time analysing my 'symptoms', but for some it does help.

Personally, I think my anxiety is chemically caused, or chemically enhanced.   Some days I can handle health issues, on others I go into complete meltdown.  This causes panic attack symptoms, which feeds the anxiety and so it goes on.   

I have started running - which has proved to me that I don't have breathing problems or heart beat issues.  And I feel really heroic when I get back.

So -keep busy, laugh at yourself, be with people, get fit.   I gave up caffeine aswell but am not convinced that was really necessary.   It really does all come from the mind.

And you are not mad.   You at least have the guts to admit to being a sufferer - many don't!

[BrightLight]

Hi Justjules as Sparkle says, unfortunately many of us seem to have this issue and I am one of them.  It's so very hard sometimes.  I completely understand what you say about losing that 'faith' that things can be sorted and straightforward.  Perhaps it is just that the medical profession choose to investigate things when you past a certain age whereas beforehand they took the line that things would sort themselves out.  So with that thinking, I guess it's best to go through these exploratory things to be proactive and switch thinking it MUST mean something is wrong to thinking it's great they are taking a look!  Easier said than done and I have not mastered this in the slightest, but I am trying.

Things are sometimes out of our control and the unknowns are many - when I was younger I don't think I took much notice of all the unknowns in life, I was busier and focused and in saying that, distraction tactics and keeping busy does help.  Apart from when very uncomfortable with symptoms (which I have been the past two days) and then the anxiety gets a hold.

Hope you feel a bit better for venting x

[Justjules]

Thanks ladies - it really does seem there are people like me out there - I just don't know anybody that I've met other than on-line!  Maybe it's a secret society we belong to! 

CKLD - my OH is totally unsympathetic - once when I was lying on the floor in the bathroom saying I needed an ambulance - he just got really mad and said I was pathetic and left me there.  Just because I managed to get myself back into bed and calm down a bit he said that just proved that I was ridiculous and there was nothing wrong with me.  I worry now though that if it is 'real' he will just leave me to die and won't help me which just makes me panic more!!!

I have been bought colouring books for Christmas but was sat there filling one in crying my eyes out, which is not really helpful is it?!

I have just spoken to my Mum and she is really cross with me - she said she hoped I wasn't going to land on her last night as I have done in the past and that's not like her, she is my rock but even she is fed up with me.  She copes with all sorts and takes her illnesses in her stride at 84 so I feel ashamed to be heaping my worries on her.  She was like this when she was in her 40's but 'got herself out of it' because she said she had nobody to turn to.  I just can't wait until I'm 84!!! If I make it till then.

[babyjane]

Hello, it's horrible feeling like that. My father had his first heart attack at 58, the age I am now and I was convinced I would go the same way as I am very like him. Now I will be 59 in March and am beginning to relax a little.  There is no reason why I should have a heart attack at 58 just because he did and I am like him but it is illogical when you get these worries.

My anxiety has been with me all my life and I am now on medication for it, which has helped, and I am waiting for therapy for childhood trauma. I do think some of this anxiety is chemical based, some hormone based and some has a deeper root and needs professional help.  the difficulty comes with sorting out which is which.

That said, my husband is wonderful, he doesn't 'get it' at all but he does his best and is very patient and helpful.

[Kathleen]

Hello Justjules.

My trusty menopause book talks about anxiety being a big part of the menopause and I think worrying about our health is a manifestation of that. I certainly recognise the 'ill at ease ' feelings the book mentions and add in all  the physical changes, disturbed sleep etc and naturally we worry!

Many people don't understand what we are going through but everyone on the forum can sympathise without judgement. I've found that talking to the ladies here means I rely less on my nearest and dearest for support and I therefore cope a lot better.

I hope you feel better soon and sending hugs. You are not alone.

K.
 

[CLKD]

Maybe your OH is afraid when you cave in?  My Dad could deal with anyone's problems but if my Mum was ill he would disappear. It wasn't something we ever discussed so it gave Mum plenty to moan about ……..

Fortunately, my DH has always been supportive - OR ELSE!

I have been rigid with panic attacks or shaking so badly that the bed we had then moved!  - I don't think that the 6 x 7 ft bed we now sleep in would move  ………..

Oh - some of the C.mas hats have gone, others remain 

Sorry, side-lined …….. another meno symptom. 

I have found in the past: Rescue Remedy helps; relaxation therapy; soothing music; some people find walking briskly kicks in endorphins which can help.

Have you talked about your health anxiety with your GP or Practice Nurse?  Maybe if your GP explained the statistics about your main worries …….. those could be put to 1 side.

You are not alone, it's finding coping skills that are important. 

[Justjules]

CLKD...yes, have talked to GP and she knows me well but only really can offer ADs or CBT. CBT was useless. 

Thanks ladies. I can't explain how bad I feel. After putting the brave face on at work every day I feel like I am running on empty when I get home....I couldn't even think of doing anything remotely physical as I feel I would collapse....even watching someone on the TV doing exercise makes me feel anxious and bad because I couldn't do it. Hard to convince myself that a heart attack isn't imminent as I feel that weary. A friend called round before and just talking to her gave me an achey chest and I just wanted her to go home.  I think I need some meds now to be honest. Just had half a diazepam but have only two left and Dr won't give me any more.

I know that i need to find some coping mechanism but can't when these bloomin symptoms and fear take over.

[groundhog]

Just jules you have my sympathy,  it's awful.  I had serious surgical complications last year ( forum has been amazing ) and I have terrible anxiety now.  I worry about everything and my whole life is governed by these damned holes in my stomach.  I seem to need constant reassurance which just isn't possible.  I am better than I was,  little steps ( thanks CLKD ) plus meditation.  I am in anti depressants which help a bit I think. 
I am better when I'm distracted so I try and do things but it's not easy and you have my utmost sympathy.  Please keep posting as I found it really helps to write things down xx

[Justjules]

Sparkle - I have read so many books on the value of meditation but I just need to put it all into practice!  I have even attended a class at my local Bhuddist centre.  I dip in and out of things but probably don't stick at them long enough to get any benefit.  I had a 'word with myself' in the car on the way to work this morning and said that all these things I know would help me try to relax but you haven't done them - reading about them won't change anything!

Groundhog - gosh, you really have been through the mill. I had similar problems after surgery 20 odd years ago, which have obviously led to a lot of my HA problems.  I admire that you are helping yourself as much as you can, as it must be very hard.

Thanks ladies.  This site is so good.  Hopefully, my posts will get a bit more positive when I get myself sorted a bit.

[CLKD]

Reading the book and putting into practice  - how many times did DH mouth across the room 'Pity you don't take your own advice' when I was advising people 

This morning I feel crap.  After a night of no sleep …… worrying that the anxiety will never go, that it will take over again and that the depression will increase.  I thought of you all whilst my brain was whirring ……….