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[Babsm67]

Hi,  i have posted on other threads here & was recently in turmoil over making a decision about whether to stay in education as a TA or to go over to a retail job.  I had a breakdown in Feb/March whilst in my former TA job due to the horrible atmosphere there & other issues which finally pushed me out.  After volunteering through the summer  in the local hospital & in a charity shop, I felt I should work with the public & go into retail. (I had been offered another TA job for September but had been increasingly anxious about it as I was told a new Head would be coming in & it would be for more hours than I originally thought).  I was offered a supermarket job a couple of weeks ago & started it properly last week after turning down the TA job as I felt I wouldn't cope.  I did a list of pros & cons & felt it was right to reject the TA job at the time.
Now I am thinking 'What on Earth have I done?'.  I wanted to help people with their enquiries like I did at the hospital  but there isn't time for that as everything has to be done so quickly because I am on a checkout all the time.  My mood has plummeted & I wish now that I hadn't turned the TA job down - I just cannot seem to make the right decision & feel so useless.  Just feel exhausted and keep crying.  I know I could have much worse problems but I cannot seem to get things right.  Along with a host of other symptoms, I now keep waking up in the early hours & instantly feel 'jittery'.  The anxiety is crippling me again.  I do have a few diazapam tablets for 'emergencies' but I daren't take one the night before work as it would make me feel groggy (and I have to get up at 5.45am on Weds).  I took a BB last Weds but ended up feeling exhausted.  I don't expect a mirac!e - I think I just needed to vent how I feel at the moment - just had palpitations as well;  felt like my heart was pounding in my throat. Didn't feel I could cope with the planning at home as a TA but now feel I should have given it a chance.  There were other factors such as being tied to school holiday times which would have hit my husband's pocket hard in the summer (my last TA job was in a private school which broke up a fortnight earlier in the summer).  Just reading what other TA's have said in another thread on here has made me realise how much I enjoyed working with the children (it was the other 'politics' etc.. that was the problem).  I don't know what else I can do now as it is too late.  My mind isn't my own anymore (sorry if this sounds self-indulgent)  X

[Babsm67]

Ps. Just want to feel normal again & get my sense of humour back    X

[dazned]

 

Madbloss

Really feel for you ,take one little step at a time. You have a job so for now concentrate on that one until you are more settled in yourself then start to explore other avenue. What if any medication are you on? Be gentleg with yourself,no pressure.

[Kathleen]

Hello Madbloss.

I just wanted to send you my sympathy and to say that I am so sorry that you are struggling with this dilemma.

I know it's no consolation but my meno book lists an inability to make decisions as another emotional symptom of the menopause.

I can only suggest that you work in an environment that produces as little stress as possible, at least until you are over the worst of the menopause. This time in our lives is tough enough without worrying about work as well.

I wish you well with whatever you decide to do and there's nothing wrong with being self indulgent in my opinion, in fact we all are and that's why we're here!

Take care.

K.

[Rebelyell]

I think it is easy to forget the stress of a job when you move to another. When I am rested I always think I can go back to my previous life with all its bustle and stress.  But I can't.  I have had to learn to pace myself and avoid taking too much on.

Mad loss - it might be that time out from school will ease your stress long term and your current stress is being caused by the 'what if' fairy telling you that you have made the wrong decision,
.

Be kinder to yourself and take some time to deal with the stress before you rush back in to TAing.  I am a teacher and know how hard that job is.  Xx

[jedigirl]

Madbloss,
I think you sound very anxious and confused. Not an ideal frame of mind to be working as a TA, especially if you are not on top form with your health either.
 My advice would be to let the TA job go for now. Work on restoring your health, reducing your anxiety and helping yourself as much as possible. You haven't necessarily  turned your back on education forever, you can go back when you feel more up to it. Accept that you made that decision and for now it's the right one. 
Can you talk to someone at the supermarket to explain what's going on? Maybe you could work mornings only to rest in the afternoons, or work in a less stressful area than a checkout?
I also have spells of waking very early feeling awful when my anxiety is at its worst. If you have time put a guided meditation on your phone or tablet, read, have a shower, distract yourself, it helps.
Stop beating yourself up, you're getting by as best you can during a time of upheaval. Hugs xxx
 

[Spangles]

Hi Madbloss
I am going through the same at the moment, I work in FE in a similar role. I am also struggling with the demands of the job. I was dreading summer, then dreading going back. The politics are awful as and my managers are unsympathetic as to what I am going through at the moment. I'm dreading Tuesday, especially as I have had a good weekend. I am also looking at going back into retail as I used to enjoy it. Ok I will be taking a huge pay cut but we cut our cloths accordingly don't we. Do whatever feels right for you, if you don't like it you can move on and if you find that you miss education then I'm sure you'll find another job later on. It is a stressful environment so I sympathise wholly.
Take care and good luck
Shellb
xXx

[CLKD]

It's the pre-event anxiety which is the worst, gives the body time to go into high alert.

Can't offer any advice other than to take the Valium. This is after all an 'emergency' situation and swallowing 1 tablet with 4 hours apart should calm you enough to stop those awful feelings. 

Did you feel OK on the check-out?  NO WAY could I be fixed to a chair with people in my face all the while.  Have a word with your 'manager' about other options, discuss, discuss, discuss - when's your next Shift?

[Babsm67]

Hello Ladies,  thank you for all of your replies - very weepy this morning & I know I need meds of some sort as my mental health is suffering. 
Jedigirl, Shellb & Rebelyell:   you are right - it would not be a good idea to take on TA work in my current mental state as I would not be ab!e to do my best for the chi!dren & they come first.  I need something that is less stressful but I don't think what I have chosen is the best choice.  I thought I was ready but I seriously have doubts now.  The problem is, I need to earn money so I have to do something.  Shellb - my manager in my old job appeared sympathetic initially to my face but she was anything but behind my back & I shall never forget the way she looked at me & spoke to me when I desperately needed to speak to her.  She looked at me as if I was something nasty on the sole of her shoe & said she was too busy but then stood chatting in the corridor to one of her management colleagues for 10 minutes!  I was just a number & a hassle to her after many years of working there without any problems.
Kathleen:  thank you for your sympathy - just feel all over the place at the moment.  I would just carry on volunteering if I could but I am unable to afford to.  I think you have hit the nail on the head because I haven't felt right for a few years now & need less stress in my life. 
Sparkle - I am definitely not good with change at the moment!  Need something less stressful but I'm not sure what!  I know I need to get used to the job but I honestly think I wou!d be better working in a smaller shop where I can help customers with enquiries (& complaints!).  The irony is, I can actually deal with complaints calmly despite my anxiety because I did that in the hospital!
Dazned:  meds - I always used to take an SSRI called escitilopram (Cipralex) which worked perfectly to stop panic attacks but it made the perimenopausal insomnia worse when it struck.  I then had to take sleeping pills as well then they stopped working.  Tried a tricyclic for a little while which helped me sleep but that then wore off & left me absent minded & 1 stone heavier (& constipated!).  Now have another SSRI called Setraline to try & have already seen that the side effects include insomnia.  I have valium & beta blockers for emergencies at present.
CLKD:  It IS nervewracking sitting at a checkout - I thought I was ready for it but I think I need something where I am not stuck in one place all of the time.  I can't help the customers in the way I want to either as time is of the essence.  Something customer services related would be better.  My next shift is on Weds at 7am (the store is 11 miles away so I am up at 5.45am).  I am on 12 weeks 'probation' so I can't be moved at the moment.  I get a 20 minute teabreak during the shift & there is no one I can discuss things with as they are all tied up elsewhere.  Think I will just need to keep looking out for shop jobs in a smaller store closer to home.
Thanks again ladies.  xxx

[SadLynda]

oh my, you poor soul.  Sorry I cannot offer any useful help.

I do understand all those awful feelings though, and the early morning wake up (4.15am for me today).  Just wanted to send you a hug 

[CLKD]

Does your Council have a Volunteering Bureau?  The Staff there may be paid and it may open up avenues if you give them a visit anyway to see what Volunteering options are local to you, which may become 'salaried' 

How about your local Surgery or Vet. Practice? they may require assistance in the back rooms.

I doubt whether it was the Cipralex causing insomnia - certainly I've taken it for years++ and sleep well.  The nights I don't sleep isn't due to medication but to what is going on in the day time 

Did you take the Valium?

[sweettooth]

Thinking of you Madbloss, i cant handle pressure in work place at moment either.  These years are difficult, eratic and misleading as one day you feel fine to go to work and the next morning its a big hurdle!  Is your retail job part time? Some days i just think peace of mind is priceless and as was the case with you, people/management are the problem....not the job!!  Try and take one day at a time for now and then when your moods etc are stable and you are feeling stronger 'then' u can start thinking of moving on to TA or whatever.  Even if u cud start in school with very few hours to begin with? Best wishes x

[Babsm67]

Hello ladies, thanks again for your kind words and advice.  I know I have got to give that job a chance but the anxiety has been bad since my first day.  I am already dreading Wednesday with the 5.45am alarm but I have taken my first Setraline tab!et as I cou!dn't carry on alone - I also took a valium last night & this afternoon as I felt panicky (I could feel that I was starting to get the build up to a panic attack so I cou!dn't take any chances). Had another crying session this afternoon as my husband said that I 'search for side effects on the medication leaflet then will have to have them' which is untrue.  I do get certain side effects, one of which is extremely undesirable & personal.  The medication also dries out my eyes & makes them itchy & sore.  I felt really hurt & told him that the effects were a 'living hell'.  He just said 'Tell me about it' - he just doesn't get it & that attitude then sets off more anxiety that he will get tired of this & leave me.
CLKD - I will try & find out about the Volunteering bureau -I'll give the council a ring tomorrow.
Sparkle:  I volunteered on the reception desk, asking patients if they could complete a survey card & dealt with some enquiries & complaints.  Sometimes I would take patients to different departments.  I enjoyed helping people & I miss that.  I cou!d probably still volunteer but there are no paid roles available at present.
Sweettooth:  the supermarket job is part time which is probably just as well as I have other issues going on with my son at the moment (he is autistic & due to start a new college next week).  One option wou!d be to work as a lunchtime assistant in a school when I feel ready.  Maybe I should keep a lookout for a vacancy but I have obviously blown it in the school I was supposed to start at this week (there is still the issue of being tied to school holidays though & my husband normally pays for our holiday which would be far more costly at peak time).
SadLynda - thank you for your kind words & the hug.  I know you have been going through a rotten time - I never knew how badly this thing was going to affect me emotionally but it all adds up now with the various symptoms that have appeared in my forties & hearing how so many other people are going through the same thing.  I just hope these AD's work as I don't want panic attacks again (I am aware that you can feel more anxious initially before they kick in).    xxx

[CLKD]

Could you forego a holiday for a while?  Although days out can be as expensive  !

I get the side-effects then read the leaflets to reassure me that it/they are expected 

Give your husband   

[dazned]

Sent you a PM madbloss