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[CLKD]

Because all things pass.  When I was very troubled in the 1990s it was almost constant, add to that a phobia which I had nightmares about so no relief at all; gradually by journalling and getting it out of my brain the surges of guilt became less and after all, what happens in the Big Bad World isn't our fault 

I did look into various charities to see how they really help war torn situations etc..  Then decided to begin 'giving' closer to home.  My neighbours have 4 cats and because I can't own pets due to it causing anxiety, it's bringing back memories best left buried.  It will pass.

[Unhinged]

Thanks Lynda, yes the extra help I mean is maybe some sort of counselling or hypnotherapy or something. I understand what you mean, I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingertips, one bit worse and I've over the edge and won't get out of the pit I've fallen into. I've even started smoking again, bad for you I know, but I actually don't care right now. Hoping we get some relief soon ..... x

[Judith57]

Someone once described it as feeling like you're a photo copy of your former self and I can relate to that.

That's such a good description Briony, I felt just like a chalk outline where a body had been in a crime scene. I wasn't there anymore - just my outline where I used to be.

[SadLynda]

Yes, I nearly started smoking again yesterday - if I had known were to get those vape things from I would have.  trying to hold out till my appointment before I do anything rash though.  The hardest thing is keeping the public face on, I am finding it harder each day.. infact I am not always managing it now.

Sorry about the pets CLKD  that must be very hard for you.

So... this too will pass (but I wish it would bl**dy well hurry up and do so)

[CLKD]

I can never understand how, when people have done something really awful, they can sleep ……..  .  Maybe I have guilt for those who don't 

It hurts badly at times.  But I have had to accept that owning pets = crippling anxiety 

[Unhinged]

CLKD, "journaling", do you mean just writing out all your thoughts every day? I would be keen to do that if it helped stop the guilt. That's encouraging.

Yes, I'm afraid I do tend to give at home rather than overseas, apart from when I halped IAKA for a while (South Korean dogs charity, those poor dogs, it's awful).

We're not responsible for the Big Bad World no, but I still have my guilt with my own pets, and it's not just the 'final decision' thing because I know in my heart that was the right thing to do for them, it's also that I am obsessing that I don't feel I always did good enough for them all the time. It might be the hormones making everything seem 'large' and 'out of perspective'.

It's so bad I can't even look at dogs this last couple of weeks, nor horses - I used to work in a riding school as a youngster and looking back I think the horses were overworked, could I have done anything about it? No I don't suppose so, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I may just have to accept that I really am going crazy now and will watch out for the yellow van ....

[Unhinged]

Sparkle, thankyou so much, I should have known you ladies would understand - and now I am crying again, this time because you are al being so kind to me! What a feeble lemon I am!

CLKD, the pain, it's so much it's unbearable. No, I don't know how people who have done really cruel things can even want to carry on living. I feel I should have been more patient/understanding/realised how ill pets were/not told them off that time etc etc. I don't feel like I will ever be able to come to terms with it the way I am at the moment, and even if I could, do I deserve to?

Lynda - yes, starting smoking again was my "last resort", I'd run out of options to try. And at that moment I didn't care what it did to me anyway. Actually, I don't think it really did help much though ....
I have to put on my public face too - it isn't working very well at the moment, sounds like you're the same x   

[Unhinged]

Sparkle - thankyou, you are the compassionate one, you have a lovely manner and a lovely way to say things ... now I'm going for more tissues ha ha! xx

[CLKD]

When very ill many years ago I wrote down everything that came out of my brain, day after day after; when I read it 3 years later I was surprised that no-one hadn't called the yellow van  .  By getting it out of my brain I did feel better and knew that no one else was going to read it.

[Unhinged]

That sounds like a good idea CLKD, and I've just written out a few things already. No, daren't let anyone read it really I suppose, we probably would get carted off! Where did we get 'yellow van' from ... there really did used to be a yellow van didn't there?

I have also tried meditating and 'spiritually' apologising to all my people who are gone - which is nearly everyone now, I suppose that's another way of 'getting it out'. I also picture them all, healthy and happy running through the fields for animals, and in a lovely garden with the humans too, which does bring a small relief, albeit temporary.

SadLynda and Sparkle, the things you fixate on, are they sometimes real things and they become magnified, or are they sometimes fictitious things?

Do any other ladies on the forum have any advice on how to stop or control these obsessive anxious thoughts that might help SadLynda and the rest of us who are hanging off a ledge with anxiety? x 

[Babsm67]

Hi Sadlynda,  you have my utmost sympathy - I have already said 'I feel like I am going mad' & I know exactly what you are going through with the anxiety & feeling so low.  It is like being on an emotional rollercoaster.  The first couple of weeks are great then there's a horrible dip; it goes up slightly then drops dramatically.  I definitely agree with the other ladies in going to your GP & asking for medication to help.  I have a small amount of Valium to take if needed but keep them to a minimum.  I also have beta blockers which help if I have anxiety before an event.  The SSRI's are good for stopping panic symptoms - I used to get that hideous lurching feeling in my stomach which would escalate into a panic attack but escitilopram stopped that.  I am waiting for CBT (still) as that is supposed to help with challenging those awful thoughts that continuously race through our minds.  You have to work on retraining your mind (don't know how yet!).  I get the same problem & my husband says I always have to have something to worry about!  I finally stop focusing on one thing e.g worrying about getting a disease then something else pops up.  I really hope that you can get the right meds to help you as soon as possible - I know how debilitating the anxiety & depression can be & there comes a time when you think 'I've got to have something''.  I hope everything goes well at your visit to the gp.  Hugs xx.  Sorry

[Briony]

I'm just the same Sparkle. I live in the 'what-if' moment, regardless of how illogical the what-if might be. The only up side is it means we're more prepared when things do go wrong ! (Trouble is, the constant thinking can be exhausting in itself, can't it?). Your DDs are lucky to have you as a mum - you will 'get' them, know how they're thinking and say what they need to hear - a lovely gift so many never had xxx

[Unhinged]

"Magnified out of all proportion" is exactly what it is Sparkle, if I step back for a second I realise that's so true. If only my brain would accept that full time!

I too did the whole gamut of the health anxiety symptoms, I think what started that was my hernia and reflux problems - which I know you have too - because that was real I convinced myself that everything else must be real too! That only stopped when my brain replaced it with the animal cruelty focus - I do wonder what will be coming next!

I think there is something in what you say about genetics, my mum had terrible anxiety in menopause and she did something similar to me in dredging up bad stuff from the past - though she had reason; cruel parents who would be arrested these days.
Sorry to hear your DDs have it too, but it's good they have a lovely understanding mum to help them x

[TropicalVon69]

Hi Ladies, sorry you're all suffering, I have horrible thoughts too....have invested in the Charles linden method and waiting for it coming through the post.....don't know if you've heard of him but you'll find him on YouTube and what he says makes sense.....hope you guys get some relief....I know how debilitating and awful it can be....?all anxiety at the end of the day. Xxx

[Unhinged]

TropicalVon - I was considering ordering the Charles Linden method! Would you mind letting us know what you think of it when you've had a chance to look through it? Sorry you're suffering too .... and thank God for this forum, yesterday was one of the worst days yet and as you can tell by the comments in this thread, the ladies on here really helped me through. xxxx to them all. I hope you all will have a better day today.

SadLynda, how is today for you? I know your doc appt is tomorrow ..... x