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[bunnylove]

I just moved across country to live with my daughter and help her out.  She is a single mom and in her last year of school.  This was my idea and I'm happy to help her - honestly!  It's only for the year and after that I'll move back in with husband.  Problem is that it's only been 3 days and she's already made me cry and wonder if I've made the right decision.  Has anyone been in a similar circumstance and has any advice for me?  Thanks in advance!

[honeybun]

Oh....

What does hubby think about this. Will you see him at the weekends. I have to say from my perspective I would have rather cut my head off than live with my mother...ever, and have been the same way since I was in my 20s.
Two women, one house, differing ideas....not for me but we are all different.
Have you considered other options because presumably it's for child care.

I would pay for her child care and confine myself to visits but never to live together.


Honeyb
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[CLKD]

How has your daughter managed prior to this?  Are you caring for her child/children? 

A year is a long while to be away from your husband ……… is he your daughter's father?

Your daughter has, presumably, been alone with her own ideas, routine etc. and suddenly you are interacting under the same roof.  Ask if she regrets the move too?

[Dorothy]

I'm in the reverse situation in that I moved in with my Mum to help her!  But I guess certain things remain the same.  I think the most important thing is to have some ground rules around who does what.  If you haven't already, I would suggest sitting down with her and asking what would be helpful and what would NOT be too!  And also making clear what you can and cannot do.  That way, hopefully, you can help each other without treading on toes too often!

Also, it is really important to have some time apart.  Maybe join a craft/hobby group, a gym, library, or find a local community coffee morning - anything that means you have some time apart doing things with other people.

Do you know what caused the issue that ended up making you cry?  It would be worth thinking about it, trying to see what upset each of you, so you can both try to avoid it in future. 

It is possible that your daughter may be feeling guilty in some way that she has had to accept help - she may feel that she is grown up and should have been able to cope on her own.  People in this situation are often extra-sensitive, so try not to take things too personally.  Wishing you both a happier rest of the year. x Dorothy

[bunnylove]

honeybun --

Hubby thought it was a good idea too.  It's kind of complicated and I hate to bore you...daughter is 23, but still very immature and has been diagnosed as bipolar.  She becomes stressed easily and basically really needed help with her son (6 years old).  Will not get to see hubby on weekends (too far away), but hopefully every month or two. 

At one time me and this daughter were very close, and I guess it's my hope that we can get back to that.  I love her and my grandson dearly and just wanted to help.  We did consider helping her out by paying for childcare, etc., but it just wasn't enough.  What if my being here is only enabling her to remain immature and incapable?  Now I'm worried all over again...  

[CLKD]

She won't alter now and by being with her should help; if you sit down and put ground rules in force.  As suggested, ask what help she requires the most, make lists to hang on the fridge re routine etc..  Give yourselves 4 weeks and if it ain't working on either side, then home you go!  Who made the suggestion that you visit?  How has she managed up to now?


Does she have treatment and support for the bi-polar?  Is her child in School? What other friends does she have, is she in contact with various agencies that can help.

How often have you seen each other in recent years? 

[bunnylove]

CLKD --

Prior to this she hasn't managed very well.  Lots of poor choices which put her son in bad situations.  That's mostly why I'm here.  Yes my hubby is her natural dad.  We both thought it was the best thing to do...

During our argument this morning she did say that she thought I shouldn't have come (that's mostly what made me cry), but she admits that she flies off the handle too easily and I think she probably regrets saying that now --

[CLKD]

Will your daughter be moving closer to you and her Dad after she finishes School?

In some parts of the UK there are groups I think called 'home start' where adults with family backgrounds go into help young parents.  Also in the UK we have 'gingerbread', groups of single parents who help each other.  Is there anything similar near to where your daughter lives, where she could go for advice and support?

I take it that she doesn't have contact with her son's father or family?

[Limpy]

Bunnylove - Is there any way you could spend smaller amounts of time with your daughter, say 3 or 4 days a week then get back to your husband for the rest of the week? Otherwise I think Honeybun's idea of paying for child care seems the best way to go. If not it seems likely you'll end up wrecked.

[bunnylove]

Hi Dorothy --

I think you've hit the nail on the head with several points.  I'll ask her today if she will sit down with me and make a list of ways I can be of help.  I really like that idea.  And the time apart thing is a must for me - she has her time away (while in school), but I work from home so basically it's me that should find stuff away from home to do.  Problem is I'm a homebody who loves just being at home!  Guess I'll just need to make myself get out.

She made me cry by saying I should not have come - but I really don't think she meant it.  A little while later she was fine.  I know I'll need to toughen up my skin and try not to take things she says so seriously.  We also fought about groceries (of all things) and how to spend the money for them...

You're probably right about her feeling guilty too.  I'm sure she does think she can handle this on her own...ugh.  The problem is that I'm extra emotional and sensitive these days and it's hard to keep all that inside.

Thanks so much for your good wishes.   And I hope everything turns out beautifully for you and your mother. 

[bunnylove]

CLKD --

No, she'll probably stay here after she finishes school.  We may end up here in this part of the country though.

There are some organizations here to help, but it just wan't enough.  We were to the point of concern for the welfare of her son.  Her son's father is in the picture, but only once a week for a day or two. 

Thanks so much for your suggestions and ideas!  I really appreciate you and everyone taking their time to offer them.

[bunnylove]

Limpy --

Unfortunately that wouldn't be possible at all.  We're about 1,000 miles apart.  You guys are making me scared that I've made this decision!      

[babyjane]

would it not be possible for your daughter and grandson to move nearer to yourself and your husband so that you can both offer support but maintain some independence for you all?

[bramble]

I think it is early days yet. I'm sure that this will not be the last time one of you will be in tears but I am sure it will get better over time when you are all in a routine. And yes it would be a good idea to sit down over a meal or coffee and work out responsibilities, chores, grocery shopping etc just so you both know where you stand. Your daughter is bound to feel as though she has failed in her role with you coming to help so no doubt she is feeling a bit emotional. I am sure it will all settle down and you will be a huge help to her both physically and emotionally.
Good luck and fingers crossed.

Bramble

[honeybun]

I think if you have any chance of making this work you need to stop being her mother and be her friend. Two adults sharing a house and child care. You need to encourage her to be an independent adult who has her life, her health and her child under her control.
If you try and be mum and take over everything when you eventually leave she will be back to square one.
Your job is to support but not take over. To suggest but not insist. This is going to be difficult for you both.

I hope it works out for you and your daughter.

What a great thing for a mum to do.

Honeyb
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Honeyb
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