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[Greenfields]

Whilst I'm not against ad's (I tried prozac - not good for me!!!) I think you're pushing yourself to feel better too quickly - it will come - just not necessarily on your timetable. I had terrible anxiety and panic - absolutely awful but with cbt, hrt,exercise and constantly pushing myself (I also found hypnotherapy very good) - I got better. It sounds like you are on the right road but it will take time. Ad's don't necessarily fix the problem and you may end up with more problems to fix. Try to give yourself time and focus on the positives if you can. Try to find some joy in something you do every day and celebrate all of your achievements and i think it will all come good for you!!!!

Incidentally I have lorazepam for occasional use - haven't become addicted - haven't had one for 4 months and even though I'm prescribed 30 at a time, they always go out of date before I've used even 10 of them - I do use them only for emergencies but just knowing that I had them helped me enormously in the first very difficult few months that I had.

Thanks Suzyq - that's helpful to know. I've posted in my reply to Briony why I'm having to push myself a bit more than I would wish - really wish I didn't have to quite so much at the moment.  I spoke to somebody this morning who had a breakdown 6 years ago - she said it took her 2 years to get her sense of self efficacy back.  I keep coming across the 2 years reference in things I've read too - so I know it's going to take time. 

I will ask the Dr about lorazepam or something similar. If I can get back to Canada, although it will be difficult, the rents are so much less, that I hope I will be able to take more time to heal without it gutting my savings quite so much. I'd also like to work p/t and get some sense of a 'normal' structure back in my life. At the moment, I do all the things you mention (look for joy etc) and I keep reminding myself I have choices - I still have enough savings to survive for a little while longer.  But more breathing space in which to sort things out would be nice!

[Greenfields]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time Greenfields. I've been taking the lowest dose of Citalopram (10mg) each morning for nearly 4 weeks. I have had no side-effects at all. They were prescribed as a starting dose to help with depression. I'm sleeping much better (8 hours last night with one visit to the loo) and my anxiety/mood have improved. The doc wants me to raise the dose to 20mg (what she called a therapeutic dose) soon but I'm happy on just 10mg as it's doing what I needed it to do. I hope you find a solution to your difficulties soon. In your shoes I would try the low dose. If you get any side-effects (you'd be unlucky to get anything much on 10mg) they would be in the first few days when you could just stop the tablets without having to taper them off I think (check with your GP). Why not get your exercise free? A walk outdoors in the sun (if we get any!) can be hugely positive and costs nothing. Good luck.

Thanks for that info Freda. I do get my exercise outdoors too!  Trust me on that one! But my nervous system needs a lot of exercise at the moment to calm it and having the GP referral to the sports centre has really helped with meeting people and giving structure to my day.  Plus whenever I feel sick, I know that after the exercise class, I will feel better than I did even if I don't feel 100%.  My GP referral at the sports centre ends on August 13th though - so then I will have to exercise more for free or pay a lot more for classes.
I will talk to my Dr Monday and see what things she suggests med wise.

[CLKD]

You will let us know how you get on    and do take a list to talk through with your GP 

I take Cipralex which is the 'sister' to Citalopram.  Also the emergency drug which I think is Lorazpam which works within 20 mins but has a tendency to knock me out, she I wake I feel better.  I don't look at 'use by' dates for Valium etc. unless it's 3+ years …… they have always still worked.  I wait until the panic becomes too much to bear and begins to give me dark thoughts then I swallow one …….. at my review in Sept. I will talk this through with my GP as I've had anxiety problems more recently 

How about skipping, hopping, 'string'    all free and can be done alone.  Hoola hoop?  I bought 1 about 10 years ago and my body wouldn't take part  .  Could you join a local Ramblers Group or may your local Council do 'walks for health' ……..

[Greenfields]

Oh I do Walk for Health too - that's free!

I've been thinking more about what I posted because Suziq made me think as well about my current situation - and then also, speaking to someone this morning who had a breakdown 6 years ago.

I think the thing is that I don't expect the anxiety surges to disappear now but what I want to make sure is that it's manageable. 

By manageable I mean that if I make a visit to Canada soon and if I move back to Canada in September, that the anxiety won't get so overwhelming that I tip into another breakdown.

I need to have a sense that my nervous system is strong enough to cope with the demands that will be placed on it over the next few months.  Moving house is stressful.  Moving house internationally is more stressful.  Moving internationally with no job and no course place to go back to and limited savings to live on is even more stressful. 

However, the alternative is to live with the constant prospect of homelessness in the UK ... and that has been, and continues to be, incredibly stressful - having that hanging over me while I try to get as well as I can has been so so hard.

The breakdown experience I had in March shattered my sense of self.  I no longer trust that my mental health will 'hold' under stressful situations.  I am so much better than I was.  I know that.  But having to cope with more stressful decisions in a very short space of time (I have to vacate this flat by September 22nd if I give notice in August - which I'll have to do for the reasons I outlined earlier in this thread) - worries me.  I really really really don't want another breakdown and I especially don't want to experience one once I get to Canada - because it will be even harder to recover from as an immigrant (as being an immigrant is so stressful).

So I guess that's the thing behind me looking for some kind of chemical help ... I just need to know that I can stay well for a while and not go back to where I was in March.  I know recovery from breakdown isn't linear - one has good days and bad days.  But I really don't want to go back to really bad days like I had in March - that was horrendous.

Hope that makes sense?  If anyone has any advice on this, please post. I know others have had breakdowns on this board but it's so difficult to judge when one's nervous system is back to a reasonable level of resilience that will hold under stressful situations.

[CLKD]

It does make total sense!  When ever my anxiety threatens I am fearful of being where I was in the 1990s  and don't think that my mental health is strong enough even with medication to survive it again.  Thank goodness for the emergency med the GP prescribes ……..

Valium as necessary helped me for years: I would take it the evening prior to an event and if necessary the morning too, never needed it during the day >phew< and because I knew it helped I used it sensibillly.  I think the trick is to talk to a Pharmacist to see what's on the market and then your GP to see what they will prescribe.

[Greenfields]

Thanks. I went to London today to do some shopping - I bought a pair of jeans in M&S in Marble Arch and then some bras in M&S Tottenham Court (as I needed to get a bra fitting at the same time - and they were the only store that had an appointment I could keep).  I made myself have lunch at M&S as well.  I also made myself walk down Oxford Street several times later in the day - it was very hot and busy.  I also went on the hot and busy underground lines as well.  I was intending to go for a wander around London (possibly some of the parks) after shopping but I started to feel that I had done enough - or my nervous system did.  So I went home - got back home around 3.30pm (I'd caught an early train into London - got into Waterloo at 9.20am).

Part of me is pleased that I managed to do what I did but I was really struck by how wobbly my nervous system was on returning to my home.  I always have a sense of when I've done too much for it as I get this internal juddery shaky feeling - like my heart and cells in my body are jumpy/shaking.  When I got home I lay down and did a body scan exercise, then some yoga and then some meditation.  It's helped but it's made me realise that to try and trek over to Canada in the next few weeks may be just too much for my nervous system to handle - so I may have to just take a giant leap and move over in September without having made a prior visit since I started HRT.

The whole thing is making very nervous - but I can't face being homeless in the UK - so there's a sense of having to trust that my mental health will 'hold' sufficiently for me to get back to Canada and restart my life.  I really hope so.

So it will be good to talk to the Dr on Monday about possibly meds to take when needed as well as to my therapist on Tuesday about all this.  I wish so much that I didn't have such a short window in which to sort things out 

[Limpy]

So I went home - got back home around 3.30pm (I'd caught an early train into London - got into Waterloo at 9.20am).

Part of me is pleased that I managed to do what I did but I was really struck by how wobbly my nervous system was on returning to my home.

Greenfields - Well done you.
I'me not surprised you were wobbly.
You'd had a long day, and it was hot and busy.
You've done well.

[CLKD]

The jittery feelings may well be lack of sustenance, when we are out and about on hi-alert it uses up a lot of energy.  Even when I think I've eaten enough I can 'suffer' 1/2 days after  ........ where you able to enjoy any of your day out?

[Greenfields]

The jittery feelings may well be lack of sustenance, when we are out and about on hi-alert it uses up a lot of energy.  Even when I think I've eaten enough I can 'suffer' 1/2 days after  ........ where you able to enjoy any of your day out?

Oh I did eat enough - I made sure to make sure my blood sugar didn't drop.

I did enjoy bits of the day.  I think it's just that I find myself a bit on "edge" when I'm jittery and I start wondering whether I'm pushing it too far and my nervous system is going to topple ... that's the fear.  When I am jittery, I try to bring mindfulness to my body and notice the areas that are stable - usually my sitting bones and my backside.  And I bring my attention back to that area while at the same time trying not to push away the sensations I'm feeling in other parts of my body but just allowing them to be there.  That's something I've started doing a lot lately and it does help.

It was nice to get a pair of jeans that fitted - size 8! Ridiculous really and I hope I gain weight soon.  The young woman who fitted me for bras was funny as well - I told her I had been sick and lost a lot of weight and she asked me whether i was better now.  So I said yes and then told her it was nothing infectious - that I'd had a nervous breakdown in March. Blimey she said!  I ended up telling her what had happened.  She was nice.

So I can have conversations with people and interact with people and walk down very busy London streets and go on the underground (which I really don't like doing in the summer heat - it's very claustrophobic).  But I'm still not sure whether I would be pushing it too far if I was to go up to Heathrow (either by coach or stay overnight in a hotel and get a taxi the next day if its an early flight), get an 8 hour flight to Toronto, then a 2 hour bus journey to the city I will go back to, then stay however many days with a friend, then do the whole thing in reverse but add on an extra night in a hotel on my way back as I will arrive in the UK in the evening if I take a day flight from Toronto.  It was a lot to do when I was well - so trusting that my nervous system isn't taxed too much the way it is at the moment would be asking a lot. And then, if I did do such a trip, when I got back, I would immediately be busy trying to sort out all the stressful stuff to do with moving - while also trying to recover from all the travel stuff which will have taken a lot out of me. 

I've also just been looking at Air Canada flights - and there aren't that many seats left in July and those that are, are very expensive.  And once you get into August, I'm looking at a lot of money for flights - won't get much change out of 1500 pounds (and that's just for the flight - haven't included transport to the city I would be going to or any nights in a hotel in the UK or Canada for flight connections). 

Given this, I'm thinking more and more that it may just make sense to fly over in September although its a heck of a risk if I get sick again or can't manage the stress of immigration ... but I'll see what my Dr and therapist suggest when I speak to them Monday and Tuesday (although each day that passes, there are less and less seats available - sigh).  I can't do the really cheap flights as they include a night flight and that would wreck me completely (couldn't do those before I got ill so I'm pretty sure they are not a good idea to do now). 

[Greenfields]

So I went home - got back home around 3.30pm (I'd caught an early train into London - got into Waterloo at 9.20am).

Part of me is pleased that I managed to do what I did but I was really struck by how wobbly my nervous system was on returning to my home.

Greenfields - Well done you.
I'me not surprised you were wobbly.
You'd had a long day, and it was hot and busy.
You've done well.

Thanks!  I keep telling myself I am making progress 

[honeybun]

Don't forget being anxious is very tiring. Your body is on high alert and when eventually you do start to relax even just a little exhaustion is not far behind.

I've never had a breakdown but suffer from General anxiety.....you can do so much more than I can so give yourself a huge pat on the back.
For me...London...crowds...and the underground...I just couldn't even contemplate it. I think I'm doing well if I can go to a small shopping mall and I live in Scotland whose whole population is equivalent to London. I'm so impressed to be honest.

Stop putting yourself down, you are doing wonderfully well....and don't forget it.


Honeyb
X

[Greenfields]

Don't forget being anxious is very tiring. Your body is on high alert and when eventually you do start to relax even just a little exhaustion is not far behind.

I've never had a breakdown but suffer from General anxiety.....you can do so much more than I can so give yourself a huge pat on the back.
For me...London...crowds...and the underground...I just couldn't even contemplate it. I think I'm doing well if I can go to a small shopping mall and I live in Scotland whose whole population is equivalent to London. I'm so impressed to be honest.

Stop putting yourself down, you are doing wonderfully well....and don't forget it.


Honeyb
X

Thanks Honeybun.  I guess it's just the pressure I feel under to sort things out in a very short window of time.  I hate having the sense of possibly being homeless hanging over me.

You're also very right in that anxiety is tiring.

It's just in the past, when I suffered from panic attacks in my twenties and thirties, I didn't experience the weird juddery feeling I get in my nervous system now - I've never had that before.  I tell myself it's okay and just allow my body to do whatever it needs to do (I notice it trembles a bit when this happens) but I guess always at the back of my mind is, have I pushed myself too far this time?  It's so hard to judge. 

Having said all that, I've just been looking at British Airways flights and they are a little cheaper so maybe I should try and make a visit this month to Canada.  I would be able to do a day flight on the way there but would have to do a night flight on the way back (urgh!) ... but I might actually try and do that ... I'll see what my Dr and therapist say this week.

[Limpy]

It's a long trip, you'd be absolutely wiped out doing it in a day, even with taking a night flight back.
Expensive too.
Perhaps stay a week, or at least a couple of days.

[CLKD]

I think you should fly with the intention of staying at least until New Year  which will give your nervous anxiety a chance to settle, you will find out exactly what support will be available and see what the job/housing situation is.  You have to give up your Tenancy or you're stuck …….. if you give up the Tenancy what is to keep you in London (you have probably told me already  )

I couldn't contemplate going to London and we live 45 mins away 

[Greenfields]

I think you should fly with the intention of staying at least until New Year  which will give your nervous anxiety a chance to settle, you will find out exactly what support will be available and see what the job/housing situation is.  You have to give up your Tenancy or you're stuck …….. if you give up the Tenancy what is to keep you in London (you have probably told me already  )

I couldn't contemplate going to London and we live 45 mins away 

I don't live in London - I live in Hampshire.  So I would have to trek to London and then fly out from Heathrow.

Am going to speak to the Dr tomorrow.  Despite doing extra yoga and relaxation and meditation last night, my body continued to feel wobbly - as if all the cells were jangling together - and this morning I woke up with acute anxiety and feeling very stressed about moving back to Canada.  I had to take a beta blocker (and this time I took it quite quickly and it helped a bit) - but it was a nasty experience and clearly going up to London yesterday took more out of my nervous system than I anticipated.

I'm thinking now that I may just have to move back to Canada in September without making a prior visit in July or August - and will have to trust that I'm well enough to return by then.  I can't think of any other option other than to try and rent a room from September if I'm not well enough to return to Canada by then.  But finding someone who will rent a room to me will be challenging given that I am not fully well and not working - although I can pay rent. (If you've got a room CLKD, let me know!).

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty stressed about the whole thing at the moment.

As well, when I see the Dr tomorrow, if I want to go on an AD I'm going to have to cope with all the side effects of that while sorting out an international house move ... not a good combination.  I'm going to ask the Dr whether taking the beta blockers regularly might help - at least, so far, I haven't had any side effects that I've noticed with the 2 doses I've taken (on 2 separate occasions).