Hi - I also think your feelings are all very natural and also difficult to manage, so much goes on with this change! I am 45 and for some reason hadn't quite appreciated that I would become so aware of my failing fertility as perimenopause developed. I felt naieve when I did begin to feel the full force of my reality, I haven't had children. I think I was coming to the end of the confusing muddle that I have been in about it for a good few years and now just have to work through things as they happen and accept this change.
I tried at first to make a decision, a one time only decision, in the hopes of avoiding the reminders or things that might hurt. So I thought about adoption, fostering, all the ins and outs as to why it never happened, what could I do? What could I do to regain 'control', suddenly it felt like choices had been made 'without me'. In the end, all this did was make me feel confused and more out of control.
I think the suggestion to explore the possibility of having children is really important, to have a look at the avenues open to you, to try hard not to seek an answer as it were, but seek to feel your way through your options and try not to write the future or re-write the past. Just find out what you want right now, what action you can take etc Getting some sense of choice and control is so useful I think.
Much love to you as you navigate x
