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[GypsyRoseLee]

I have felt better within myself since last Wednesday when suddenly that awful, dragging depressed/dread feeling lifted from me. It was wonderful for it to be gone.

Thursday I felt quite drained but so much lighter inside, probably just the relief from not feeling so very down.

But I am still very aware of the background anxiety just gently simmering away under the surface and it's really getting me down. Don't get me wrong. I can function fine. I am not experiencing the waves of dread etc for which I am very, very grateful. But I know the anxiety is there just hovering at the periphery, trying to break through and it's like the HRT is holding it at bay but only just. Weird sensation.

I have just spent a really lovely afternoon at a friend's house for a BBQ. All our closest friends having a laugh and all the children having a great time on the trampoline. Just so lovely. But all the time it is an effort for me to chat away and laugh. It's not coming spontaneously or naturally at all. And all because of this hovering anxiety.

The anxiety made me secretly reluctant to leave the group and go on my own to the loo. The anxiety really put me on edge when I had to spend 10 minutes in our friend's dark shed trying to dig out an extra chair (when my anxiety is present I HATE being left alone and I HATE being in a dark room).

I know it's actually appositive thing that I was able to go to the BBQ at all and at least have 'half' a good time. I know there are plenty of people who have anxiety so badly that even leaving their home isn't an option. But it makes me so sad to know I'm not fully myself and that I'm not fully enjoying myself, or even 'half' enjoying myself really to be honest.

Sorry to whinge. But I begrudge that yet another 'should be' very happy memory has been tainted by this hormonal anxiety.

Another thing I have noticed is that emotionally I am feeling really quite numb and have done for at least 2.5 weeks now. Just simply not experiencing any of that up welling of love that I always have for my husband. But it's not just him. I'm not even experiencing it for my children either, if I'm honest. Just nothing really there when I look at them and I'm certainly not interested in being cuddly or affectionate with any of them 

At least I am not still experiencing that awful deadening low mood I had up until last Wednesday, but this absence of any emotion really isn't pleasant either. I am 10 days into my Utrogestan which I understand has a 'deadening' effect on people so not sure if it's just the Utro making me feel like this? But I don't remember feeling this 'no feeling' sensation when I took it the first time?

Anyone else affected by progesterone like this? If this is caused by the Utrogestan and is on going then HRT isn't going to be for me. I can't spend 12 days per month feeling nothing for my husband and children 

[Annie0710]

I'm can't help because I'm oestrogen only but your post is so from the heart and sad, and at times I've been where you are, the worst being 3 years ago when peri hit and floored me.  I still get funny feelings and I'm just starting to socialise again but I know what you mean about the people you love, I've had that too and that really scared me


Lots of hugs to you, I just couldn't read your post and flick over without posting

Annie xx

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thank you Annie, that's so sweet. People on here are so supportive.

I am very pleased to not have the crushing low mood I had last week, but this emotional numbness is really quite horrible in another way. I was watching my lovely husband and my children on our friend's trampoline earlier. They were all laughing and having such a good time. But I felt nothing whilst I watched them. That's just not natural.

I'm glad you're starting to feel better xx

[GypsyRoseLee]

Sorry, wanted also to ask did the 'no emotions' feeing go away in the end? It did it come and go?

[CLKD]

You are expecting too much of yourself  .  You went to the party.  You joined in.  You did a couple of things that are alien and scary.  (I'm different, when anxious I would rather be alone  ).

You have had a shock to the system in recent weeks with the deep lows.  It burns up a lot of body and brain energy.  Try to enjoy the 'now'?  I can't cry but eventually my emotions came back once the anxiety went away.  The biggest thing was fear - that I would never recover, would never leave the house, would never stop dreaming about the phobia, would become worse …….  .  That was in the forefront of my mind 24/7.

Medication made a huge difference eventually. 

[GypsyRoseLee]

You're absolutely right CLKD. I guess I am just frustrated that I'm not feeling like my old self. But I suppose in a weird way I am convalescing from an illness. That 11 day low I had was really, really horrible and quite frightening.

[CLKD]

Little steps  …….. be kind to you!

[Lynnhunter]

Hi Gypsy Rose Lee. This is the first time I have ever commented on this forum, I have always dipped in and out gaining strength and positivity from other ladies going through this most difficult and challenging time in our lives.. I was diagnosed in July 2013 as menopausal after 1year without period and extreme fatigue. FSH level came back at 84 and doc put me on evoril patches, elleste duet 1 & 2 mg and now cellesse 2mg. The reason for the 3 different changes were that at the beginning they seemed to pick me up, but then I would crash after 6mths.. I would go back to GP and try to explain my feelings and symptoms.. I believe that current HRT is the type I should have been on since the beginning as my periods had stopped. I never really understood what was wrong with me when I crashed every 6mths as I never experienced anything like it before, but now I know that I am suffering from anxiety and panic. I really could go on and on about all the feelings of fear, dread and possibility of me going mad that I constantly struggle with. I just had to comment on your post because right now I feel so vulnerable. I am writing this message at 1.40am  from Orlando Florida. I arrived on Saturday for 4wks to visit my wonderful daughter who has been working here for the past year.. My wonderful husband who works so hard is with me and so badly needs this break as I had to cancel a previous holiday in December as I was so bad with anxiety and couldn't come over.. We have a 2day visit to New York planned as well as other things, yet I find myself sitting writing this comment dreading the coming days.. I want to go home and feel safe, but I know that I will feel exactly the same when I am home.. Just don't see any way out of this menopause misery, I have so much good in my life that I can't actually enjoy any of it for worrying about what i am feeling, while trying to convince everyone that I am having a good time. I am so tired of trying constantly to convince myself that it's just the hormones it will get better.. Will it, doesit??       
Sorry but I just had to get all of that out..

[Grumpymum]

Hi Lynnhunter
I so know where you are at. People I speak to (and my hubby) so look forward to holidays but to me they are just an added anxiety to the constant anxiety at home. I'm still struggling to find the 'right' HRT for me. I wish you luck and hope that you can at least enjoy spending some time with your daughter. Try and make an appointment to see your GP for when you are back home to help sort things out. 

[Lynnhunter]

 :(Thanks grumpymum,
I am awaiting a gynaecologist appointment re bleeding breakthrough, so hopefully someone will start to listen and at least try to understand how horrible and debilitating this anxiety/ panic is taking over me..

[Briony]

Oh, GRL, really sorry to hear that things aren't good again.   

I can empathise with a lot of what you're saying, especially the deadening feeling - I sometimes used to feel like I was watching a movie of my life rather than actually living it, if that makes sense?

I know we are all different, and I can only speak from past experience, but I do think you need to give the HRT more time to settle. My GP said three months minimum until you can begin to distinguish between initial side effects/it just not working/a wrong dose/ or else an intolerance to one of the ingredients. After two months (if not more) I was worrying (as 'everyone' else seemed to feel brilliant within days/weeks) and a number of people told me that they didn't really notice themselves picking up for up to six months.  If I remember rightly, Suzie Q, CKLD and PeeGeeTips were very helpful and reassuring.

I also think that, for your age, you're on fairly low/medium dose of estrogen and may need more.  When I was on Evorel 50 and felt miserable/anxious, I blamed the patch for being too much on top of my own hormones. Now I take a minimum of double this, in pill form, for all but two days a month, and despite the occasional physical side effects of HRT and then Qlaira (mainly fatigue which I think is due to the progesterone) the emotional difference is massive. Even if I have a blip, it's more of a normal blip (which , let's face it, even 'normal', non hormonally-challenged people still get sometimes) rather than the previous 'End of the World' ones (the 'this will never end/I hate everyone/ no one understands/aghhh - that's my own shadow and I'm scared/oh no, OH will get fed up and leave me if this continues/even the cat thinks I'm pathetic/past happy life and past confident me: RIP' kind of thing).

Try to hang in there if you can - though I know, from experience, it's easier said than done xx

[CLKD]

   Lynnhunter - what a pity you didn't ask your GP for an emergency medication to ease the anxiety i.e. Valium as necessary.  Could you speak with your daughter's Medic Centre to see if you can have something to tide you over?  Or try Rescue Remedy …… you need to enjoy this stay - at least you got onto the plane  …….. and you flew to the US!  but so understand that need to get home where it's safe 

[Annie0710]

Sorry, wanted also to ask did the 'no emotions' feeing go away in the end? It did it come and go?

For me it was a phase, and it's mostly passed now, thinking back, anxiety must've been at its worst and maybe I distanced myself as to no have to socialise, I knew I loved them all, but I was avoiding them, of course if one of them had problems I'd be there in a heartbeat, but nothing , nor my loved ones made me smile, I've now gone emotional again , and embracing it.  Those dark days were when I was convinced I had dementia, I still get weird times, but I'm sure it's when this vertigo/woozy feeling hits, I really need to get it sorted

I started taking all vitamin supplements and large doses b12 and I'm sure they've helped

Annie xx

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thanks Briony.

I'm actually okay still. I wrote this post on Sunday when I was still struggling with residual anxiety etc which I couldn't seem to shake off. Then bizarrely woke up Monday morning feeling very chilled and relaxed, just like my old self again in fact. Then I noticed my withdrawl bleed had arrived early on only Day 11 of Utro. Wasn't sure if it was a coincidence? I think I posted about it and you replied to me.

Luckily I am still feeling much better today, though a bit headachey and cramping. But there you go.

You are absolutely right that I do need to give HRT another couple of months at least to settle in before I even think of making any further decisions about trying the Pill. Of course I can say this very calmly now and very objectively as I am feeling very 'good' 

The fact that I have suddenly felt so much better since Monday has actually given me hope that I CAN sometimes feel 100% my old self again. I was beginning to believe that I would never feel like my old self ever again. I want to try and have as many of these very good days as possible. I still think that the Pill might be a better medication for me in order to improve my overall emotional well being, but I want to feel I have given HRT a proper crack of the whip before I move on.

What you say about the Pill being much stronger than HRT makes sense to me. And it also makes sense that knocking out your own fluctuating hormones entirely and just giving yourself a much stronger oestrogen dose at a steady pace will give me the 'good' mood for much longer. 

[GypsyRoseLee]

Briony, and yes I completely know what you mean when you say you now only have 'normal' blips. I want to just have passing irritations. Or just a morning of feeling a bit fed up. So tired of this extreme reaction to everything. And each time feeling like the sky is falling in.

I took the Pill for about 16 years and remember feeling perfectly normal on it apart from PMS once a month. But I remember feeling happy and feeling excited and feeling irritable and feeling bored. Just all normal emotions in normal quantities. So I would assume it would make me feel the same again?