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[Annie0710]

I have a sister who 16 years ago lost the plot and severed all ties with my family, devastated me to begin with but I learned to cope, she was evil when my mum died and a few years ago she tried to 'get me round' I was in a dilemma about it but decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life, so chose to live the rest of my life without her in it

If your mother really is as bad as you say, I'd be long gone

I might not have my dear OH for years and years, either way I'll never get my parents back

Annie

[Dandelion]

I have a sister who 16 years ago lost the plot and severed all ties with my family, devastated me to begin with but I learned to cope, she was evil when my mum died and a few years ago she tried to 'get me round' I was in a dilemma about it but decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life, so chose to live the rest of my life without her in it

If your mother really is as bad as you say, I'd be long gone

I might not have my dear OH for years and years, either way I'll never get my parents back

Annie

Your're all heart 
Your sister could be mentally ill and vulnerable.

Why are you posting on here if you have no empathy with me, it's not helping.
If a friend of mine had a bad relationship with her family and had also bought a flat that may generate debt if sold, and fear of homelessness in the future, I would be a lot more sympathetic, and a bit empathetic too.

Also, I don't understand when you say you might not have your hubby for years and years, but, I apologise in advance if I am missing something.

[Limpy]

I have a sister who 16 years ago lost the plot and severed all ties with my family, devastated me to begin with but I learned to cope, she was evil when my mum died and a few years ago she tried to 'get me round' I was in a dilemma about it but decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life, so chose to live the rest of my life without her in it

If your mother really is as bad as you say, I'd be long gone

I might not have my dear OH for years and years, either way I'll never get my parents back

Annie

Your're all heart 
Your sister could be mentally ill and vulnerable.

Why are you posting on here if you have no empathy with me, it's not helping.
If a friend of mine had a bad relationship with her family and had also bought a flat that may generate debt if sold, and fear of homelessness in the future, I would be a lot more sympathetic, and a bit empathetic too.

Also, I don't understand when you say you might not have your hubby for years and years, but, I apologise in advance if I am missing something.

I think Annie may have been posting because she'd had similar family issues in the past.
Try reading her post fully, she was obviously distressed by the situation.
Does empathy only go one way?

[Dandelion]

I have a sister who 16 years ago lost the plot and severed all ties with my family, devastated me to begin with but I learned to cope, she was evil when my mum died and a few years ago she tried to 'get me round' I was in a dilemma about it but decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life, so chose to live the rest of my life without her in it

If your mother really is as bad as you say, I'd be long gone

I might not have my dear OH for years and years, either way I'll never get my parents back

Annie

Your're all heart 
Your sister could be mentally ill and vulnerable.

Why are you posting on here if you have no empathy with me, it's not helping.
If a friend of mine had a bad relationship with her family and had also bought a flat that may generate debt if sold, and fear of homelessness in the future, I would be a lot more sympathetic, and a bit empathetic too.

Also, I don't understand when you say you might not have your hubby for years and years, but, I apologise in advance if I am missing something.

I think Annie may have been posting because she'd had similar family issues in the past.
Try reading her post fully, she was obviously distressed by the situation.
Does empathy only go one way?

Sorry @Annie0710 , I read your post wrong.
When you said she lost the plot, I thought it could have been losing the plot as in mental illness, because I have heard a few people with mental illness, reflect back on their mental breaks as losing the plot.

My mum and sister used to boss me around, and bully me, so the only way I could envisage them as being upset if i cut off contact with them is wondering if they will be bothered because if I go permanently, it will mean they have  no one to bully or pick on, whereas, at least now, they have hope that I will visit them or see them again.

I don't know whether my mum and sister are evil, because it was only me they picked on, and they are lovely to each other and the rest of the family. My sisters used to spar with each other, but one never picked on the other.
Also, my brothers are close to my sisters, so, they can be a loving family.

I am glad I said, in my fb message, that I brought out the worst in them, rather than saying they brought out the worst in me, because it was my of saying, what were my shortcomings that enabled you to pick on me?
That way, I am saying that something that I did brought about the victimisation, rather than just directly blaming them.

I would rather somebody told me my shortcomings rather than just call me vague names like idiot, or vague put downs like "You don't deserve to be spoken civilly to" because at least I could do something if they said, "It annoys/upsets/etc me when you...."
At least that way I learn, all I learnt from being picked on contintually was to assume everything was my fault, and to fear people.

[GeordieGirl]

Just catching up with this thread.  Have I understood correctly that as well as alcohol, you use tobacco and weed? No wonder you're depressed Dandelion, you're filling your body with toxins. Weed is also linked to paranoia. 

You consistently blame your family for your situation but although you can't change the past, you can change the future - you'll only do that be taking responsibility yourself. You've been blaming your family,  David Cameron,  previous flat owners...    Sh*t happens but we pick ourselves up and move on. Wait for someone else to pick you up and you'll be waiting an awful long time. There are organisations that can help you but only if you're prepared to help yourself. In all of this thread I dint think I've seen you take responsibility for anything?

Cut out the stuff you're poisoning yourself with (your body AND your finances will thank you for it) then rather than sit and wait for a diagnosis, make a list of key goals going forward. Do 5 things each day to help bring you closer to these and you'll feel at least that you're moving forward. It's a good feeling and it motivates you.  More than any diagnosis will (I can't see how that will help except for more benefits).

Losing your house would be tough but there are rented properties - it doesn't mean you'd be on the streets. Alternatively have you considered a lodger?   

Happiness is a state of mind not circumstances - and trust me I know some people whose situation would be your (anyone's)  worst nightmare and yet they choose to be happy.

GG x

[GeordieGirl]

P.S. I'm typing on a autocorrect-happy phone, please ignore the typos above x

[Mrs January]

Hi Geordie Girl

I totally agree with your post. Our future is in our own hands in my view, we can blame all sorts of things and situations, to take drugs, alcohol, smoking is all a CHOICE we individually make to do ( only my view) I have been nurse now for 33 years and seen first hand the sorrow caused to family members of what people do to them selves with drugs etc. I have had some very, very hard times in my life. My dad will be 77 BH Monday tomorrow and I haven't seen him in 23 years, my mother died 5 years ago and relationship was awful

CHOICE, yep I choose to live my life better for not having them in it, I am rounded and whole despite my son's suicide last year at 23.......I could have crumbled but stayed strong, I don't smoke, drink or take drugs, my elder brother did all of it...me ...nah I want better things to spend my money on and be a good mum to my kids....the future is what we want it to be , the past is a closed chapter in our life

Mrs January xx

[Dandelion]

Just catching up with this thread.  Have I understood correctly that as well as alcohol, you use tobacco and weed? No wonder you're depressed Dandelion, you're filling your body with toxins. Weed is also linked to paranoia. 

You consistently blame your family for your situation but although you can't change the past, you can change the future - you'll only do that be taking responsibility yourself. You've been blaming your family,  David Cameron,  previous flat owners...    Sh*t happens but we pick ourselves up and move on. Wait for someone else to pick you up and you'll be waiting an awful long time. There are organisations that can help you but only if you're prepared to help yourself. In all of this thread I dint think I've seen you take responsibility for anything?

Cut out the stuff you're poisoning yourself with (your body AND your finances will thank you for it) then rather than sit and wait for a diagnosis, make a list of key goals going forward. Do 5 things each day to help bring you closer to these and you'll feel at least that you're moving forward. It's a good feeling and it motivates you.  More than any diagnosis will (I can't see how that will help except for more benefits).

Losing your house would be tough but there are rented properties - it doesn't mean you'd be on the streets. Alternatively have you considered a lodger?   

Happiness is a state of mind not circumstances - and trust me I know some people whose situation would be your (anyone's)  worst nightmare and yet they choose to be happy.

GG x

Hi Geordie Girl

Firstly, may I correct you on ADHD diagnosis and more benefits.
I will not get more benefits due to getting an ADHD diagnosis. I will be on the same ones.
I know you did not say this, but money is not a reason I want a diagnosis.
I have a small pension income, and savings, which is where my drink and drug money come from.
I do well in minimising my drink and drug use, and for that, I am proud of myself. OK it is not as simple as stopping, but anyone who knows about addiction knows it is not as simple as stopping dead.
I spend very little on drugs, more on drink.
The last time I stopped dead, I badly self harmed, not in a premeditated way, but in a quick loss of temper on myself kind of way. This type of thing often happens when I go totally sober from anything.
I am not in the mood for alcohol today, so it was easy not to have a drink today.
There is a housing crisis in the UK. Being a benefit claimant does not automatically guarantee you a house, neither does having mental health problems. Private rents, plus, bills, even for sober people who don't smoke, can be too expensive and result in eviction, for workers and claimants alike. Most private landlords don't take claimants, and all homeless charities know that.
If I have a problem, and I can do something about it, I either solve it, or get advice or help to solve it, and then I feel better.
It is only the insolvable ones that I cannot seem to shift the mood from my heart.
That has been the way long before I started to drink or do drugs.
The unsolvable ones at the time were the painful relationships I had with my family.
Yes, I could have moved out, but I thought the problems were my fault, as my family manipulated me into thinking I was the one at fault, so I was forever trying to improve myself, only getting nowhere, because I did not know I was being manipulated, or 'kept little', or, brainwashed.
More and more people are being made homeless. I have not gone into detail about my flat, but there is a chance I will also be made homeless.

I have not said that I blame David Cameron, the previous owners of my flat, or anyone for my issues. In fact, I even said that I bring out the worst in my family and there is something I am doing that is attracting bullying, because a bully would bully everyone if it was all of the bullies fault, whereas bullies do not bully everyone, only those who somehow in some way, show the bully they are a victim.

I also do tell myself I am grateful that I do have a home now, and that I have the use of my arms, legs, and senses.
I know of people who have lost their independent living funds and home-helps so they can no longer care for themselves in their own home and have to be moved to insititutions.
I also know of people who have had their disability living allowance cut, and can no longer go to work as they can no longer afford the various aids that allowed them to go out to work each day and hold down a job.
There are people who are stronger and more able to smile despite worse problems, I have never denied that.
I can't help feeling the way I feel about the possible spectres hanging over me. I always try to apply the CBT tool I learnt, not to worry about things that I cannot control, but the physical feelings wont go away.
I try to make myself smile and I even force myself to laugh, so that people can 'see' I am jolly and upbeat, but I just feel a fake to be honest.

Thaks for the lodger Idea but I don't have the room, and also I like my own space.
I do acknowledge that I fear the worst case scenario a lot of the time.
I know there are people who have terminal illnesses, disabiliities, etc etc, but for an agoraphobic vulnerable person to be homeless and keep a smile on his/her face, I would think that would be mission impossible.
I might stand corrected here also, but how many women with very bad meno symptoms can feel happy? I just hope mine go by the time my doc wants me off hrt.
Some people do have suicidal feelings, telling them that there are people worse off, might be well intentioned but it really doesn't help. People like this know that there are people worse off than them, they don't want to be worse off, they want to be better off. Remembering to feel greatful is a good thing, but it does not stop the horrible feelings coming up.

So, I do think I am taking as much responsiblity for myself as possible right at this time. I feel like I am being guilt tripped and its the last thing I need as I just feel alienated and invalidated.

Anyway, I responded to my mum's facebook message today in a respectful way, but in a way that I can respect myself for as well, so I am grateful for that. I said.

"Adhd is a physical, rather than a mental condition. All physical conditions were once unheard of"

She had previously said ADHD means f*ck all and it wasn't heard of until a few years ago.

I won't be putting any more posts like this in this forum. I'll still be friendly and help where i can but I will keep my queries to meno only.

[CLKD]

But that is not your fault.  Maybe your Mum had 'empty nest syndrome' and didn't want to  let you 'go'.  But that was then, you need to deal with the now.  I found writing a letter so that I could vent but not sending it cleared my head - watching the letter burn in the grate seemed to release my anger and sorrow.

I get angry still 'cos she can be soooo annoying but even when her anger was aimed at me, I could see it wasn't me she was angry at.  She had to get it 'out' and I was in the way  .  Available.  Safe ? to shout at.  It made me angry though but I didn't react.  Odd that, so unlke me but OH I DID feel *good* 

Taking care of you may be difficult.  However, you have got thus far?   Many mental health and physical conditions were hidden and many were not known until recent years so as Science advances, so will realisation and diagnosis.  Make those lists of what does make you smile, what will make you relaxed (other than drugs/drink); we cant' be happy continually but we should be able to have a base-line from which to work.  For me it's getting through the night and being able to get out of bed each morning, anything else is a bonus  - and I find myself standing still occasinally to simply 'be'. (pity I can't spell  )

[Dandelion]

But that is not your fault.  Maybe your Mum had 'empty nest syndrome' and didn't want to  let you 'go'.  But that was then, you need to deal with the now.  I found writing a letter so that I could vent but not sending it cleared my head - watching the letter burn in the grate seemed to release my anger and sorrow.

I get angry still 'cos she can be soooo annoying but even when her anger was aimed at me, I could see it wasn't me she was angry at.  She had to get it 'out' and I was in the way  .  Available.  Safe ? to shout at.  It made me angry though but I didn't react.  Odd that, so unlke me but OH I DID feel *good* 

Taking care of you may be difficult.  However, you have got thus far?   Many mental health and physical conditions were hidden and many were not known until recent years so as Science advances, so will realisation and diagnosis.  Make those lists of what does make you smile, what will make you relaxed (other than drugs/drink); we cant' be happy continually but we should be able to have a base-line from which to work.  For me it's getting through the night and being able to get out of bed each morning, anything else is a bonus  - and I find myself standing still occasinally to simply 'be'. (pity I can't spell  )

Hi CKLD and thanks for your post.
Maybe my mum did have empty nest syndrome.
She apologised for sending me that message on fb, which meant a lot to me.
I did a no send letter, that helps a bit.