Good for you for staying strong Dandelion.
If you can, try to avoid contact with your mum for the moment - sometimes we have to set boundaries for our own well being.
I read your posts with interest because I get that with talking therapies people can get stuck with the talking. One of the things that has helped me enormously over the years is yoga. It's helped me learn to self soothe my nervous system. I've also found, from teaching it and in my own practice, that it can help to safely release emotions that are stuck in the body too. It's my passion in terms of the area I want to work in - with people who've experienced trauma - to combine yoga with talking therapy to help heal the mind and the body.
Maybe next time you're on YouTube, see if you can find a gentle yoga clip to practice too - you don't have to turn yourself into a pretzel to get the benefits! And it is hard with ADHD to focus on things - I've supported people with that condition and services are patchy and it's a challenge to live with. So you are doing well.
I see a lot of strength and courage in you Dandelion - you had the courage to endure 25 years at home for starters. I left home at 18 and only left because my boss helped me to leave - he took the afternoon off after hearing one too many stories about what was happening to me and helped me sort out a room to rent. I would never have had the courage to leave otherwise because I believed that I was worthless and would not be able to cope on my own because that's what I was constantly told.
So celebrate and remind yourself of your capacity to endure Dandelion - it shows considerable strength of character. You are still here. Still breathing. And you have the capacity for insight on the impact of what has happened to you. A lot of people don't have that - and instead they act it out on others.
BTW have you ever given St John's Wort a try? I know they use it in Germany a lot. The only thing is it does interact with other medications - so if you do try it, check out it's impact on what else you are taking with either a pharmacist or a Dr. I've heard it can help with depression.
Also, a book I found interesting to read was Anatomy of the Noon Day Demon - by Andrew Solomon. I don't know whether your ADHD impacts your ability to focus and read because it is a bit of a big book! But it tells the story of his depression and things he tried - he tried a lot of stuff.
Sending hugs xxx
Hi Greenfields, thanks for the hugs and the lovely post.
I do have trouble focusing when reading.
It's good that I didn't drink today, dunno if I am in the mood to be honest.
I tried st johns wort when I was working, but it didn't work, dunno if you have to give it time.
The 5htp I took earlier has seemed to work, I took 100mgs. I tried 200mgs a long time ago and it made me throw up, so I know I cannot do that dose all in one go.
I feel like I am ignoring my mum, cos I have hid my online status on facebook and not replied to her messages, and I feel bad about this, but I also have to protect my self from future further risk of self harm.
I think she loves me for the wrong reasons, she loves to drain my energy by putting me down and taking out her anger on me, and it makes me feel like I have been shit or pissed on, somehow soiled.
I still have that homelessness fear in the background.
In England, there is an atmosphere, a general vibe, of scarcity, lack, 'not-enough-ness' and it is a metaphor for how I feel 'not strong enough, not tough enough' I cry at the drop of a hat.
I have had some drugs today, pregabalin, calms me down, illicit, but it is the only one that works, and docs wont prescribe it, although it is prescribed for anxiety for some people.
Before I had that, I think I was heading for an irrational anxious long sunny day indoors.
I have booted the drink, which is good, but I had to stay indoors alone, because outdoors on a sunny day is too much of a drink trigger.
